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Theme Changer

 Topic: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell

 (Read 20976 times)
  • 12 3 4 Next page « Previous thread | Next thread »
  • Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     OP - April 11, 2010, 09:25 AM

    As a way to get this new sub forum going, I thought we could tackle the issue of forced marriages amongst the muslim male population, since it is a problem, even if it is on a lesser scale.

    Quote
    Our Forced Marriage Unit (FMU) is a joint-initiative with the Home Office. In 2009 FMU gave advice or support to 1682 cases. 86 percent of these cases involved females and 14 percent involved males.

    http://www.fco.gov.uk/en/travel-and-living-abroad/when-things-go-wrong/forced-marriage


    Personally I think the number could be higher, I just think the 14% are the only ones so far to have come forward and gone against the parents in this way.

    Quote
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7223743.stm

    Imran Rehman, from Derby, said his family took some extreme measures to get him back in line when he resisted the marriage, explaining that he was abducted and taken to Pakistan.

    He said a relative shackled his legs together and he was imprisoned for 15 days.

    Mr Rehman has now urged the government to take action.


    Often I think we are under the impression that men can be in charge of all their choices, in an Islamic household, but actually it's not true.

    Usually, society pressures them just as much, to protect their families honour, and go along with the choice of bride the parents have in mind for him.

    As an observor, in truth it always appeared to me that many of these guys who do eventually go back home and marry who their parents have chosen (because she is pure and from a good family) seemed to have convinced themselves that this is ok with them, and readily jump on that "sleep with white girls and then marry a virgin" attitude.  (another attitude I think comes from growing up in a misogynistic religion).

    I'd like to hear from the male members who had wives chosen for them, if we have any here, about your experiences of it.

    Did you feel constricted by the choices given to you?

    Did being a muslim, influence your obediance and force you to just go along with it?


    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #1 - April 11, 2010, 10:18 AM

    Excellent choice for a thread. The plight of men in islam is sometimes overlooked because of the sheer horror some of the women face. But that shouldn't negate the fact that men do experience oppression under islamic ideology.

    Each of us a failed state in stark relief against the backdrop of the perfect worlds we seek.
    Propagandhi - Failed States
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #2 - April 11, 2010, 10:52 AM

    Men are certainly forced into marriage and I reckon it is higher than the 15% quoted. I reckon men do not report it as much as women do, and also, maybe maybe men don't admit it to themselves.

    I know a man who was forced into marriage and I also know someone who married under a lot of pressure, although he says he is happy now but I am a bit sceptical. Anyway, the bloke that was forced did a runner after a while, and he was called all names under the sun, they said he was shirking his responsibilities, leaving that poor girl on her own etc. I know that if a woman does a runner, there is obviously a very negative response from the family, saying she has shamed them at the like, but there is also usually a lot of sympathy and support as well. With this guy, there was not really a contingent who was sympathetic to him and what he had been through - because of what a man's role is meant to be.

    The pressures and expectations on men are very different than females, primarily because women leave the family home and men are expected to stay and live with their parents - with women, the pressure tends to be around honour, and with men, it tends to be about arranging a marriage with a partner who will be good for the whole family. They say thongs like "we want somebody who will look after us when we are old. The women from England don't care about family as much as the ones from Pakistan, and they will want to move out and leave us on our own". Parents also want somebody they know and trust, this is why pressure is put on lads to marry cousins from Pakistan; because they know them and are confident they won't screw them over because of family ties etc.   

    Religion - The hot potato that looked delicious but ended up burning your mouth!

    Knock your head on the ground, don't be miserly in your prayers, listen to your Sidi Sheikh, Allahu Akbar! - Lounes Matoub
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #3 - April 11, 2010, 11:12 AM

    Reminds me of the gay Muslim forum I was on one time and the number of guys who were forcefully put into marriages by their parents.

    "It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up." - Muhammad Ali
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #4 - April 11, 2010, 11:16 AM

    Excellent choice for a thread. The plight of men in islam is sometimes overlooked because of the sheer horror some of the women face. But that shouldn't negate the fact that men do experience oppression under islamic ideology.


    Exactly, not to mention that, just like women, their own indoctrination also carries a heavy price on their mental health later on in life too.   yes

    Men are certainly forced into marriage and I reckon it is higher than the 15% quoted. I reckon men do not report it as much as women do, and also, maybe maybe men don't admit it to themselves.

    I know a man who was forced into marriage and I also know someone who married under a lot of pressure, although he says he is happy now but I am a bit sceptical. Anyway, the bloke that was forced did a runner after a while, and he was called all names under the sun, they said he was shirking his responsibilities, leaving that poor girl on her own etc. I know that if a woman does a runner, there is obviously a very negative response from the family, saying she has shamed them at the like, but there is also usually a lot of sympathy and support as well. With this guy, there was not really a contingent who was sympathetic to him and what he had been through - because of what a man's role is meant to be.

    The pressures and expectations on men are very different than females, primarily because women leave the family home and men are expected to stay and live with their parents - with women, the pressure tends to be around honour, and with men, it tends to be about arranging a marriage with a partner who will be good for the whole family. They say thongs like "we want somebody who will look after us when we are old. The women from England don't care about family as much as the ones from Pakistan, and they will want to move out and leave us on our own". Parents also want somebody they know and trust, this is why pressure is put on lads to marry cousins from Pakistan; because they know them and are confident they won't screw them over because of family ties etc.   


    Yep.  Men, because they are seen as having such easy roles in life, get judged harshly if the rebel against it.  It's like people think why should they complain when they have it all, whereas with a woman, alot of us sort of feel her pain because we know she is just islam's prisoner.

    It's definately important to start tackling this issue, and making more men speak out, or realise that wanting better for themselves is not a crime.

    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #5 - April 11, 2010, 11:31 AM

    By the way, I was typing on my phone, hence the spelling mistakes!

    Religion - The hot potato that looked delicious but ended up burning your mouth!

    Knock your head on the ground, don't be miserly in your prayers, listen to your Sidi Sheikh, Allahu Akbar! - Lounes Matoub
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #6 - April 11, 2010, 12:44 PM

    Men, because they are seen as having such easy roles in life, get judged harshly if the rebel against it.  It's like people think why should they complain when they have it all, whereas with a woman, alot of us sort of feel her pain because we know she is just islam's prisoner.

    The systematic nature of male oppression is such that most wouldn't even recognise themselves as being oppressed given that its so deeply entrenched in the way we're socialised with expectations of fulfilling certain roles and responsibilities later in life.

    Quote from: Answers.com - Philosophy Dictionary
    Oppression:
    The unjustifiable placing of a burden on someone or some group, by interfering with their powers, interests, or opportunities. Oppression may be deliberate, or an unintended outcome of social arrangements; it may be recognized for what it is, or may go unremarked even by those oppressed.

    If we were to turn back the clock a couple of hundred years to a time when women's social and legal status was very different and asked a selection of women whether they felt oppressed I wonder what their responses would have been? How many would have fully recognised the extent to which they were oppressed? Bear in mind that the struggle for women's suffrage wasn't universally accepted by all women, some even actively opposed it.

    It's definately important to start tackling this issue, and making more men speak out, or realise that wanting better for themselves is not a crime.

    yes

    Each of us a failed state in stark relief against the backdrop of the perfect worlds we seek.
    Propagandhi - Failed States
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #7 - April 11, 2010, 01:36 PM

    Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell


    Very true and often forgotten!
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #8 - April 11, 2010, 01:55 PM

    I know of two men who were either forced or coerced into marrying against their will. 

    My good friend from Pakistan who lives in the States was pressured into marrying his first cousin by his family.  He tells me all the time how he is not satisfied with his marriage and the fact that he and his wife are both mentally and physically incompatible. 

    The other guy I know is a British Bengali who served as my wali when I got married and a few years later caved into his family's pressure and married a girl who was visiting from BD on a tourist visa.  As soon as she got her residency established, he filed for divorce and split. 

    So sad...   Cry  A poor girl's life ruined all because of the greed of others and 'what will the community say?' crap.   finmad

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    The sleeper has awakened -  Dune

    Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish!
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #9 - April 11, 2010, 02:05 PM

    A good friend of mine (Pakistani) got coerced into marraying a girl from 'back home' because she had to be Sayyeda, Ithna Asheri Shi'a, from the right town and crucially right caste / family. Sadly that also ended in divorce.

    It's also not only men brought up in that culture, either. I knew another revert who got divorced after being pressured into marriage with a girl he barely knew ("It's half your faith, bruzzar"). He found out a few weeks later that she had a long term boyfriend who she was still very much in love with and had only gotten married due to family coercion.

    Each of us a failed state in stark relief against the backdrop of the perfect worlds we seek.
    Propagandhi - Failed States
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #10 - April 11, 2010, 06:48 PM

    What's even worse than family pressure is societal and economic pressures. Many girls in Iraq are forced to marry the first suitor they get because 1)they don't wanna feel like a "burden" on their families and 2)they fear that if they reject him they will miss the "marriage train".

    However, there is an encouraging emerging trend right now, girls are starting to look for the Mr. Right themselves. I personally know 4 guys who are now engaged and in every case it was the girl who did all the courting or at least initiated it  Afro

    It's far from perfect but at least in most classes of Iraqi society, it's no longer the norm the girl sits idly in her "father's home" waiting for a suitor with absolutely no choice whatsoever in the matter.



    EDIT: Sorry guys. I thought this thread was about women forced into marriage   Tongue
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #11 - June 01, 2011, 04:11 AM

    Ahhhh I'm too young to thing about this  Cry

    I'm in my mid to late teens and my parent's have made it clear that they expect me to get married(to a muslim/arabic girl). They may even... take me to Lebanon or something. They say it's haram if a man doesn't get married and said something very similar to this:
    They say thongs like "we want somebody who will look after us when we are old. The women from England don't care about family as much as the ones from Pakistan, and they will want to move out and leave us on our own". Parents also want somebody they know and trust, this is why pressure is put on lads to marry cousins from Pakistan; because they know them and are confident they won't screw them over because of family ties etc.   


    Except replace England with US and Pakistan with Lebanon
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #12 - June 01, 2011, 04:58 AM

    ^ hey at least Lebanese women are fine  Afro
    I am some what in the same boat. Being a "Liberal Muslim" I cant marry a religious girl at all and I really hope I dont get pressured in the future to marry someone not on my level.

    Gotta think positive, gotta think positive.....  Smiley

    Nothing can be more contrary to religion and the clergy than reason and common sense. - Voltaire
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #13 - June 01, 2011, 05:02 AM

    Btw I know of a man married to a woman as a result of severe pressure. His wedding photos show it, his attitude towards her shows it, its so very unfortunate. He resulted in having an affair that went on for years. The lady he had an affair with made it public after he broke of his "promise" to marry her as a second wife.

    Silly culture and traditions.

    Nothing can be more contrary to religion and the clergy than reason and common sense. - Voltaire
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #14 - June 01, 2011, 05:37 AM

    Almost happened to me, but thank God I was able to stand up for myself and avoid cousin marriage. Cheesy
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #15 - June 01, 2011, 05:41 AM

    how bad did it get for you ?

    Nothing can be more contrary to religion and the clergy than reason and common sense. - Voltaire
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #16 - June 01, 2011, 05:48 AM

    .
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #17 - June 02, 2011, 02:38 PM

    Well I think over all it is a good idea that "WOMEN SHOULD FORCE MEN IN TO MARRIAGE"

      but what I want to see is this fool clean  shaved and beaten by his wife  IN PUBLIC ON TELEVISION..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkMF3bjGa0E

    Do not let silence become your legacy  
    I renounced my faith to become a kafir, 
    the beloved betrayed me and turned in to  a Muslim
     
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #18 - August 27, 2011, 06:30 AM

    ^ hey at least Lebanese women are fine  Afro
    I am some what in the same boat. Being a "Liberal Muslim" I cant marry a religious girl at all and I really hope I dont get pressured in the future to marry someone not on my level.

    Gotta think positive, gotta think positive.....  Smiley


    Haha sorry for late reply but yeah positive thinking  Cheesy

    Sadly it will be an honest, devote muslim women from some distant village in lebanon. I'm repulsed by the idea because I'm going to bet there are not many good looking ones and more importantly (maybe not by much  Roll Eyes ) than appearance we won't share the same ideology. What's worse is that I have this idea in my head that I would like to remain single (well as far as my parents should know  grin12 ) and not marry.
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #19 - August 27, 2011, 06:47 AM

    Men being forced to marry a beautiful girl - who would say no to that? Wink

    Little Fly, Thy summer's play
    My thoughtless hand has brushed away.

    I too dance and drink, and sing,
    Till some blind hand shall brush my wing.

    Therefore I am a happy fly,
    If I live or if I die.
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #20 - August 27, 2011, 06:55 AM

    Men being forced to marry a beautiful girl - who would say no to that? Wink


    Plenty of people.

    how fuck works without shit??


    Let's Play Chess!

    harakaat, friend, RIP
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #21 - August 27, 2011, 07:05 AM



    Yes plenty will refuse!

    Little Fly, Thy summer's play
    My thoughtless hand has brushed away.

    I too dance and drink, and sing,
    Till some blind hand shall brush my wing.

    Therefore I am a happy fly,
    If I live or if I die.
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #22 - August 27, 2011, 07:09 AM

    ^^ I don't think I can refuse that  Cheesy

    Why couldn't I have been raised in an atheist household  Cry
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #23 - August 27, 2011, 07:35 AM

    Men being forced to marry a beautiful girl - who would say no to that? Wink


    It depends on her personality Tongue

    "I'm standing here like an asshole holding my Charles Dickens"

    "No theory,No ready made system,no book that has ever been written to save the world. i cleave to no system.."-Bakunin
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #24 - August 27, 2011, 08:18 AM

    Men being forced to marry a beautiful girl - who would say no to that? Wink


    What if she wasn't beautiful?

    What if the guy wasn't shallow?

     Roll Eyes

    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #25 - August 27, 2011, 09:37 AM

    It depends on her personality Tongue



    She has personality! I am sure you will beating a path to her door Wink


    Little Fly, Thy summer's play
    My thoughtless hand has brushed away.

    I too dance and drink, and sing,
    Till some blind hand shall brush my wing.

    Therefore I am a happy fly,
    If I live or if I die.
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #26 - August 27, 2011, 11:12 AM

    rofl

    Not cool, not cool, Cry

    "I'm standing here like an asshole holding my Charles Dickens"

    "No theory,No ready made system,no book that has ever been written to save the world. i cleave to no system.."-Bakunin
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #27 - September 11, 2011, 08:35 PM

    What if the guy wasn't shallow?


    Ha

    Formerly known as Iblis
  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #28 - September 11, 2011, 10:26 PM

    Too right they are. finmad
    My husband faced extreme and violent threats from his father to marry a girl he had never seen.  It was an attempt to split us up, plus my husband had been working for a year so was deemed financially ready to be married. Luckily for us we were working overseas, he managed to escape ( literally) and that was it; he didn't go home again for nearly 8 years. When they next saw us we were married with a three year old kid Smiley
    Lose, lose all round. What for?

  • Re: Men are forced into marriage in Islam aswell
     Reply #29 - September 11, 2011, 10:33 PM

    What for?


    Pride and control. If you can't control your children's lives and fates, you're less of a man. According to how some Muslims are raised.

    Formerly known as Iblis
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