Any of my close friends or people nearest to me, infact anyone with real insight can see that I completely lack self esteem and suffer from major image issues. I can paint a picture of bravado and paste it over my face every day, but inside it never changes, it's constant.
I have been battling an eating disorder since I was 17, and have been through periods of my life where all mirrors were broken or covered up in my house.
If you gave me loads of money there isn't any part of me that I wouldn;t surgically change just to be anyone other than me.
I honestly see nothing of value on the inside or the outside and it's hard to keep this side of me buried deep enough to live normally.
I avoid pictures, very rarely I will be drunk enough or silly enough to let friends include me in pictures, but once I see the image staring back at me I just want it gone. This is why any pic I have ever posted in the picture thread has repidly been removed by me.
I get very very angry, I'm talking rage level anger whenever anyone compliments me, I just want to lash out at them for lying to me, for trying to take me for a fool.
I see myself every day, I know what I look like, I don't need anyone to tell me any different just to spare my feelings, it hurts me to be lied to instead.
One of the reasons I am losing interest in the guy I'm seeing is because he keeps going on about how I look, and I just wish he would shut up and stop assuming that all I need is some words thrown at me to make me feel better, nothing anyone ever says makes me feel better.
This isn't to say that I express any of these fears and insecurities to him, every knows that insecurity is unnattractive and since I already think I'm hitting the lower rungs when it comes to attractiveness I wouldn't exactly take a risk in showing another trait to add to the many things I think are so shitty about me.
Honestly how do you improve on these self image issues?
The thought process I go through every morning that I wake up is "it's ok, so what if you are ugly, just get out there and get on with it"
I know where it all comes from, I know how I ended up feeling this way about myself, but I can't change it.
I am so sick of hating myself too much to have pictures of me, I am sick of being this way.
Arghhh, feel sorry for myself kind of day people.