This comes from a rather longish essay by Baron Bodissey. I have picked out the ones I considered most funny.
Enjoy:
Sahih Muslim Book 028, Number 5612:
Buraida reported on the authority of his father that Allah?s Apostle (may peace be upon him) said: He
who played chess is like one who dyed his hand with the flesh and blood of swine.So the game of chess which actually sharpens your brain is like dyeing hands
blood, huh? Does this explain why Muslims are so outnumbered by Jews in the Noble Prizes?
Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 72, Number 747:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah?s Apostle said, ?If you want to put on your shoes,
put on the right shoe first; and if you want to take them off, take the left one first. Let the right shoe be the first to be put on and the last to be taken off.?Umm, why?
Sahih Bukhari Volume 1, Book 4, Number 238:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, ?You will meet Allah barefooted, naked, walking on feet, and
uncircumcised.?
Foreskin that has been annihilated during obligatory circumcision ceremony will grow back I guess?
Sahih Bukhari Volume 4, Book 54, Number 537:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said ?If a house fly falls in the drink of anyone of you, he should dip it (in the drink),
for one of its wings has a disease and the other has the cure for the disease.?Another instance of "Islamic science"?
Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 65, Number 366:
Narrated Ibn ?Abbas:
The Prophet said, ?When you eat,
do not wipe your hands till you have licked it, or had it licked by somebody else.?Someone else lick your hands?
But seriously, gross!!!
Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 71, Number 636:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said,
?The effect of an evil eye is a fact.? And he prohibited tattooing.
Hear that all unsuperstitious folks! Prophet says evil eye is a fact, must be so!
Sahih Bukhari Volume 1, Book 4, Number 245:
Narrated Abu Burda:
My father said, ?I came to the Prophet and saw him carrying a Siwak in his hand and
cleansing his teeth, saying, ?U? U?,? as if he was retching while the Siwak was in his mouth.?Since Muslims are supposed to imitate Mo in every way, be sure to make retching noises while you brush!
Sahih Bukhari Volume 9, Book 87, Number 123:
Narrated Anas:
The Prophet said, ?Whoever has seen me in a dream,
then no doubt, he has seen me, for Satan cannot imitate my shape.Err, what if he is Satan Incarnate,looking at his actions that's a good possibility!
Sahih Bukhari Volume 9, Book 87, Number 124:
Narrated Abu Qatada:
The Prophet said, ?A
good dream is from
Allah, and a
bad dream is from
Satan.
So whoever has seen (in a dream) something he dislike, then he should spit without saliva, thrice on his left and seek refuge with Allah from Satan, for it will not harm him, and Satan cannot appear in my shape.?
How to spit without saliva? How will spitting on the left help, unless this is another attempt to vilify left handed folks?
Sahih Bukhari Volume 2, Book 21, Number 245:
Narrated ?Abdullah :
A person was mentioned before the Prophet (p.b.u.h.) and he was told that he had kept on sleeping till morning and had not got up for the prayer.
The Prophet said, ?Satan urinated in his ears.?Satan urinating in someone's ears' while he slept?IMO, the funniest!
Sahih Bukhari Volume 4, Book 54, Number 509:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said,
?Yawning is from Satan and if anyone of you yawns, he should check his yawning as much as possible, for if anyone of you (during the act of yawning) should say:
?Ha?, Satan will laugh at him.?Again, irrational & stupid words!
Sahih Bukhari Volume 4, Book 54, Number 516:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, ?If anyone of you rouses from sleep and performs the ablution, he should
wash his nose by putting water in it and then blowing it out thrice, because Satan has stayed in the upper part of his nose all the night.?
Listen folks! Just like one Santa gives all the world's kids' presents for Christmas, one Satan stays in all sleeping folks' noses all night!!!
Its true, Mo says so, must be so!
Sahih Bukhari Volume 1, Book 5, Number 277:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, ?The (people of) Bani Israel used to take bath naked (all together) looking at each other.
The Prophet Moses used to take a bath alone. They said, ?By Allah!
Nothing prevents Moses from taking a bath with us except that he has a scrotal hernia.? So once Moses went out to take a bath and put his clothes over a stone and then that stone ran away with his clothes. Moses followed that stone saying, ?My clothes, O stone! My clothes, O stone! till the people of Bani Israel saw him and said, ?By Allah, Moses has got no defect in his body. Moses took his clothes and began to beat the stone.? Abu Huraira added,
?By Allah! There are still six or seven marks present on the stone from that excessive beating.?Did you guys know this? Moses accused of scrotal hernia & beating a stone?
Sahih Bukhari Volume 5, Book 58, Number 188:
Narrated ?Amr bin Maimun:
During the pre-Islamic period of ignorance
I saw a she-monkey surrounded by a number of monkeys. They were all stoning it, because it had committed illegal sexual intercourse. I too, stoned it along with them.Hear that, all those who oppose stonings? Monkeys apparently stone for adultery too!
Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 33:
Narrated Usama bin Zaid:
The Prophet said,
?After me I have not left any affliction more harmful to men than women.?See folks? Woman's an affliction, but Mo's the bigger affliction, in his own words!
Ayatollah Khomeini claimed, "There are no jokes in Islam!" Check these out Ayatollah!
Topic: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!