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 Topic: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!

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  • Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     OP - March 17, 2009, 09:21 AM

    This comes from a rather longish essay by Baron Bodissey. I have picked out the ones I considered most funny.

    Enjoy: grin12

    Sahih Muslim Book 028, Number 5612:

    Buraida reported on the authority of his father that Allah?s Apostle (may peace be upon him) said: He who played chess is like one who dyed his hand with the flesh and blood of swine.

    So the game of chess which actually sharpens your brain is like dyeing hands piggy blood, huh? Does this explain why Muslims are so outnumbered by Jews in the Noble Prizes?  wacko
     

    Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 72, Number 747:

    Narrated Abu Huraira:

    Allah?s Apostle said, ?If you want to put on your shoes, put on the right shoe first; and if you want to take them off, take the left one first. Let the right shoe be the first to be put on and the last to be taken off.?

    Umm, why? Huh?



    Sahih Bukhari Volume 1, Book 4, Number 238:

    Narrated Abu Huraira:

    The Prophet said, ?You will meet Allah barefooted, naked, walking on feet, and uncircumcised.?

    Foreskin that has been annihilated during obligatory circumcision ceremony will grow back I guess?  Wink

    Sahih Bukhari Volume 4, Book 54, Number 537:

    Narrated Abu Huraira:

    The Prophet said ?If a house fly falls in the drink of anyone of you, he should dip it (in the drink), for one of its wings has a disease and the other has the cure for the disease.?

    Another instance of "Islamic science"?  Tongue

    Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 65, Number 366:

    Narrated Ibn ?Abbas:

    The Prophet said, ?When you eat, do not wipe your hands till you have licked it, or had it licked by somebody else.?

    Someone else lick your hands?  aloofandbored0 But seriously, gross!!!


    Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 71, Number 636:

    Narrated Abu Huraira:

    The Prophet said, ?The effect of an evil eye is a fact.? And he prohibited tattooing.

    Hear that all unsuperstitious folks! Prophet says evil eye is a fact, must be so! dance


    Sahih Bukhari Volume 1, Book 4, Number 245:

    Narrated Abu Burda:

    My father said, ?I came to the Prophet and saw him carrying a Siwak in his hand and cleansing his teeth, saying, ?U? U?,? as if he was retching while the Siwak was in his mouth.?

    Since Muslims are supposed to imitate Mo in every way, be sure to make retching noises while you brush!  Roll Eyes


    Sahih Bukhari Volume 9, Book 87, Number 123:

    Narrated Anas:

    The Prophet said, ?Whoever has seen me in a dream, then no doubt, he has seen me, for Satan cannot imitate my shape.

    Err, what if he is Satan Incarnate,looking at his actions that's a good possibility!  015

    Sahih Bukhari Volume 9, Book 87, Number 124:

    Narrated Abu Qatada:

    The Prophet said, ?A good dream is from Allah, and a bad dream is from Satan. So whoever has seen (in a dream) something he dislike, then he should spit without saliva, thrice on his left and seek refuge with Allah from Satan, for it will not harm him, and Satan cannot appear in my shape.?

    How to spit without saliva? How will spitting on the left help, unless this is another attempt to vilify left handed folks?  Shocked

    Sahih Bukhari Volume 2, Book 21, Number 245:

    Narrated ?Abdullah :

    A person was mentioned before the Prophet (p.b.u.h.) and he was told that he had kept on sleeping till morning and had not got up for the prayer. The Prophet said, ?Satan urinated in his ears.?

    Satan urinating in someone's ears' while he slept?IMO, the funniest!  rofl

    Sahih Bukhari Volume 4, Book 54, Number 509:

    Narrated Abu Huraira:

    The Prophet said, ?Yawning is from Satan and if anyone of you yawns, he should check his yawning as much as possible, for if anyone of you (during the act of yawning) should say: ?Ha?, Satan will laugh at him.?

    Again, irrational & stupid words! Cheesy

    Sahih Bukhari Volume 4, Book 54, Number 516:

    Narrated Abu Huraira:

    The Prophet said, ?If anyone of you rouses from sleep and performs the ablution, he should wash his nose by putting water in it and then blowing it out thrice, because Satan has stayed in the upper part of his nose all the night.?

    Listen folks! Just like one Santa gives all the world's kids' presents for Christmas, one Satan stays in all sleeping folks' noses all night!!!  hush Its true, Mo says so, must be so!


    Sahih Bukhari Volume 1, Book 5, Number 277:

    Narrated Abu Huraira:

    The Prophet said, ?The (people of) Bani Israel used to take bath naked (all together) looking at each other. The Prophet Moses used to take a bath alone. They said, ?By Allah! Nothing prevents Moses from taking a bath with us except that he has a scrotal hernia.? So once Moses went out to take a bath and put his clothes over a stone and then that stone ran away with his clothes. Moses followed that stone saying, ?My clothes, O stone! My clothes, O stone! till the people of Bani Israel saw him and said, ?By Allah, Moses has got no defect in his body. Moses took his clothes and began to beat the stone.? Abu Huraira added, ?By Allah! There are still six or seven marks present on the stone from that excessive beating.?

    Did you guys know this? Moses accused of scrotal hernia & beating a stone? 13

    Sahih Bukhari Volume 5, Book 58, Number 188:

    Narrated ?Amr bin Maimun:

    During the pre-Islamic period of ignorance I saw a she-monkey surrounded by a number of monkeys. They were all stoning it, because it had committed illegal sexual intercourse. I too, stoned it along with them.

    Hear that, all those who oppose stonings? Monkeys apparently stone for adultery too!  woohoo
    Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 33:

    Narrated Usama bin Zaid:

    The Prophet said, ?After me I have not left any affliction more harmful to men than women.?

    See folks? Woman's an affliction, but Mo's the bigger affliction, in his own words!  bunny

    Ayatollah Khomeini claimed, "There are no jokes in Islam!" Check these out Ayatollah!  Insert evil laugh

    World renowned historian Will Durant"...the Islamic conquest of India is probably the bloodiest story in history. It is a discouraging tale, for its evident moral is that civilization is a precious good, whose delicate complex order and freedom can at any moment be overthrown..."
  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #1 - March 17, 2009, 11:22 AM

     grin12 not come across some of chess & shoe removal.. in particularly licking your hands, a disgusting habit.  Why would anyone else want to lick your finges after eating?

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  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #2 - March 17, 2009, 12:52 PM

    grin12 not come across some of chess & shoe removal.. in particularly licking your hands, a disgusting habit.  Why would anyone else want to lick your finges after eating?


    Oddly (even though it's Sahih!) Only Salafists ban Chess! Everyone in my family used to love chess even the most devout, pro-Salafists! Saudi Arabia apparantly forbid the sale of chess boards but that's as far as this hadith goes. It's odd considering other traditions found in far-less reputable hadith books can be found across the board when it comes to practising Islam, yet this "Sahih" tradition is barely noticed. Does this suggest the age old Islamic practice of "picking and choosing"?

    Also, the finger lickin good practice I never found except for in a Deobandi madressa, even the Saudi Salafis I knew and grew up around (despite usually eating with their hands) wouldn't like their fingers, but yet Deobandis wouldn't let you leave the Sufra (food mat) if you hadn't licked your fingers. Deobandis are strange, stranger than Salafis.

    "I am ready to make my confession. I ask for no forgiveness father, for I have not sinned. I have only done what I needed to do to survive. I did not ask for the life that I was given, but it was given nonetheless-and with it, I did my best"
  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #3 - March 17, 2009, 01:50 PM

    We've had about at least 3 threads like this I can remember!

    "At 8:47 I do a grenade jump off a ladder."
  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #4 - March 17, 2009, 02:01 PM

    We've had about at least 3 threads like this I can remember!


     oops I didn't know that, I just joined in January.! Anyway, at least Islame learnt something new.

    World renowned historian Will Durant"...the Islamic conquest of India is probably the bloodiest story in history. It is a discouraging tale, for its evident moral is that civilization is a precious good, whose delicate complex order and freedom can at any moment be overthrown..."
  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #5 - March 17, 2009, 02:30 PM

    Rashna,
    Thread  is funny. However, funny and idiotic texts are not only in Islam. Some of the Hindu mythology is pretty funny and impossible to happen in real life Wink
  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #6 - March 17, 2009, 02:31 PM

    Rashna,
    Thread  is funny. However, funny and idiotic texts are not only in Islam. Some of the Hindu mythology is pretty funny and impossible to happen in real life Wink


    But I've never heard Hindus claim that there texts contain miracles or that their religion is logical.

    "I am ready to make my confession. I ask for no forgiveness father, for I have not sinned. I have only done what I needed to do to survive. I did not ask for the life that I was given, but it was given nonetheless-and with it, I did my best"
  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #7 - March 17, 2009, 02:36 PM

    Rashna,
    Thread  is funny. However, funny and idiotic texts are not only in Islam. Some of the Hindu mythology is pretty funny and impossible to happen in real life Wink


    Hindus themselves don't believe everything in their faiths, how many actually believe that there's a Ganesha up in Heaven? Or a real Indra who causes thunderstorms via thunderbolts?

    Hindus simply suspend their disbelief when they pray before Ganesh, not imagine a real Ganesh like Muslims accept every word of the Quran & Hadiths. In this respect, Muslims are similar to the literalist, creationist Christians'.

    If Mo says Satan eats with his left hand, Muslims actually believe in Satan. They actually believe there's one Allah up in Heaven who dictated all the guidance the world needs in that book called the Quran.

    World renowned historian Will Durant"...the Islamic conquest of India is probably the bloodiest story in history. It is a discouraging tale, for its evident moral is that civilization is a precious good, whose delicate complex order and freedom can at any moment be overthrown..."
  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #8 - March 17, 2009, 02:43 PM

    Well Rashna, according to deepest Hindu Philosophies, God is not in the heaven above. But God is absolute and collective conciousness of universe and there are infinte forms of God like different deities be it Ganesha or Krishna etc.

    However, I have met ppl who do take it literally.
    On my recent trip to India, some Pundit was giving a lecture on TV channel my MIL was watchign that, he said XYZ king gave birth to daughters while he sneezed and thousands of ppl were his devout audience   and listened to him wacko
  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #9 - March 17, 2009, 02:47 PM

    Well Rashna, according to deepest Hindu Philosophies, God is not in the heaven above. But God is absolute and collective conciousness of universe and there are infinte forms of God like different deities be it Ganesha or Krishna etc.

    However, I have met ppl who do take it literally.
    On my recent trip to India, some Pundit was giving a lecture on TV channel my MIL was watchign that, he said XYZ king gave birth to daughters while he sneezed and thousands of ppl were his devout audience   and listened to him wacko


    Well yes, but its a pretty rare position, like Creationist Catholics are a rarity, Catholics & the Catholic Church do accept Evolution as a fact. Same with the majority of Hindus, at least the ones I've met.

    There will be such stray Hindus or stray Catholics' but its not the widespread way to accept those Scripture. Islam on the other hand, widely accepts every word of the Quran as Allah dictated to Mohammed.

    World renowned historian Will Durant"...the Islamic conquest of India is probably the bloodiest story in history. It is a discouraging tale, for its evident moral is that civilization is a precious good, whose delicate complex order and freedom can at any moment be overthrown..."
  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #10 - March 17, 2009, 03:18 PM

    However, I have met ppl who do take it literally.
    On my recent trip to India, some Pundit was giving a lecture on TV channel my MIL was watchign that, he said XYZ king gave birth to daughters while he sneezed and thousands of ppl were his devout audience   and listened to him wacko


    Well,the same people will also listen to stories' of the Buddha's birth & how he came out from his mom's womb from the right side rather than in the normal way, the Jain stories or even Jesus' Virgin Birth. The South Indian Hindus will have some local gods & godlings which East Indians' haven't ever heard of but will listen with interest to the stories' when they visit the South, the same god's story will come with local variations' in some other region of India, the Balinese Hindus will have their own beliefs & gods in addition to Indian Hindu gods. They're fond of stories' but have the ability to compartmentalise reality from fiction.

    Millions of gods, stories & millions of ridiculous stuff, & always keen to add onto those, but they mostly do separate reality from fiction.

    World renowned historian Will Durant"...the Islamic conquest of India is probably the bloodiest story in history. It is a discouraging tale, for its evident moral is that civilization is a precious good, whose delicate complex order and freedom can at any moment be overthrown..."
  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #11 - March 17, 2009, 03:20 PM

    Yes, I get your point.
  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #12 - March 18, 2009, 03:49 AM

    Quote
    Sahih Bukhari Volume 1, Book 4, Number 238:

    Narrated Abu Huraira:

    The Prophet said, ?You will meet Allah barefooted, naked, walking on feet, and uncircumcised.?

    Foreskin that has been annihilated during obligatory circumcision ceremony will grow back I guess?  Wink


    You get a new body when u come back.

    "Ask the slave girl; she will tell you the truth.' So the Apostle called Burayra to ask her. Ali got up and gave her a violent beating first, saying, 'Tell the Apostle the truth.'"
  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #13 - March 18, 2009, 04:49 PM

    Except any wounds of jihad you died with remain on your face. So those suicide bombers will end up appearing in front of allah in tiny pieces!

    Sahih Bukhari
    Volume 1, Book 4, Number 238:
    Narrated Abu Huraira:

    The Prophet said, "A wound which a Muslim receives in Allah's cause will appear on the Day of Resurrection as it was at the time of infliction; blood will be flowing from the wound and its color will be that of the blood but will smell like musk."

    "At 8:47 I do a grenade jump off a ladder."
  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #14 - March 18, 2009, 05:11 PM

    The thing about funny Muslim hadiths, in contrast to funny polytheist stories is that, they are not accepted symbolically-there are all accepted as exactly true.

    In the case of funny polytheist stories', the same story varies in different locations which profess the same faith, some regions add or subtract a god, some regions add a new story, or omit a bit of the old story-& all those interpretations are just as valid & viable as each other.Further some gods\esses gain prominence, some lose their relevance over time & are added to the realms of mythology even within the same living faith,& when these faiths assimilate new tribal faiths, or even come across new foreign faiths they quickly add a new god into their existing pantheon, or make the new god an incarnation of one of their their existing god\s.

    Islam does not, strictly does not function like this. There's a Quran, which contains the last message the Creator of the universe had for all mankind, there're some previous Prophets who also had valid messages from the same Creator, but those previous Prophets' are also strictly those named in the Quran as People of the Book Prophets'-other Prophets' don't carry God's message, there're some hadiths considered authentic, based on a strict chain of narrators, others are false, made up & have no relevance & its of utmost importance to weed out the irrelevant. Forget adding new Prophets'-the Ahmadiyya claiming a new Prophet after Mo but considering themselves Muslims are considered the worst of heretics in the eyes of other Muslims.

    We cannot imagine Turkey or Indonesia having their own made up hadiths, or each having their own version of Mohammed's story or each having their own Prophets' in addition to Mo carrying the same God's message, rivalling Mo in importance in that particular Muslim region-  yet whose stories & teachings are acceptable to the other believers & listened with interest by the other believers. Yet the accepted Quran & authentic hadiths have immense power over believers' lives' & non believers' not accepting these are doomed to Hell.

    Its important to understand these distinctions while trying to comprehend why funny hadiths have a different impact upon the faith which calls itself One True Faith compared to faiths which are essentially very diverse in themselves & accepting of many gods, stories, interpretations & paths to heaven-& why they can potentially undermine the credibility & grandoise claims of the self declared only correct faith from the only True God, compared to faiths which accept all gods, interpretations & faiths in every corner of the Earth as equally true & leading to salvation Smiley.

    World renowned historian Will Durant"...the Islamic conquest of India is probably the bloodiest story in history. It is a discouraging tale, for its evident moral is that civilization is a precious good, whose delicate complex order and freedom can at any moment be overthrown..."
  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #15 - March 18, 2009, 11:18 PM

    Except any wounds of jihad you died with remain on your face. So those suicide bombers will end up appearing in front of allah in tiny pieces!

    Sahih Bukhari
    Volume 1, Book 4, Number 238:
    Narrated Abu Huraira:

    The Prophet said, "A wound which a Muslim receives in Allah's cause will appear on the Day of Resurrection as it was at the time of infliction; blood will be flowing from the wound and its color will be that of the blood but will smell like musk."


    And the virgins are going to fuck them looking like that? 

    Wait a minute!  I think I have figured it out.  Mo says that the majority of hell's residents are women.  But paradise is also full of women, the whores virgins that fuck all the jihadis.  So paradise is heaven for men and hell for women, all in one place.

    Of course this makes you wonder what men in hell and women in heaven are experiencing.
  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #16 - March 19, 2009, 12:59 AM

    Badum Tish!

    "At 8:47 I do a grenade jump off a ladder."
  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #17 - July 27, 2010, 01:40 PM

    Bump for Rationalizer, but this is not the main one.
  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #18 - August 09, 2010, 12:19 PM

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVkvfNWMzKM

    My Book     news002       
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  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #19 - September 21, 2010, 01:02 PM

    The Prophet said, "When any human being is born. Satan touches him at both sides of the body with his two fingers, except Jesus, the son of Mary, whom Satan tried to touch but failed, for he touched the placenta-cover instead.
    Sahih Bukhari Volume 4, Book 54, Number 506: Narrated Abu Huraira
    If that's true, Satan must have fondled Muhammad!

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  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #20 - January 05, 2011, 09:33 PM

    Sahih Bukhari Volume 5, Book 58, Number 199:
    Narrated 'Abdur-Rahman:
    "I asked Masruq, 'Who informed the Prophet about the Jinns at the night when they heard the Qur'an?' He said, 'Your father 'Abdullah informed me that a tree informed the Prophet about them.'

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  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #21 - January 05, 2011, 10:36 PM

     rofl rofl 015

    a tree.... hahahahah... a fucking treee.... and people believe this shit... aahahahahahha

    Just look at the sun and the moon, rotating around the earth perfectly! Out of all the never ending space in the universe, the sun and moon ended up close to earth rotating around it perfectly.!!

  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #22 - January 05, 2011, 10:47 PM

    Its called proof you see. If a tree confirmed it, then it must be so. 

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  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #23 - January 05, 2011, 11:02 PM

    Son: "Mom how do I know I am not adopted??"
    Mom: "Well easy son, just go and ask the tree..."

    Just look at the sun and the moon, rotating around the earth perfectly! Out of all the never ending space in the universe, the sun and moon ended up close to earth rotating around it perfectly.!!

  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #24 - January 05, 2011, 11:19 PM

    I wonder if a tree in Islam is considered to be a more reliable witness than a woman?

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  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #25 - January 05, 2011, 11:21 PM

    Probably
  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #26 - January 05, 2011, 11:25 PM

    "Your Honor! I call my first witness, the tree...."

    Just look at the sun and the moon, rotating around the earth perfectly! Out of all the never ending space in the universe, the sun and moon ended up close to earth rotating around it perfectly.!!

  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #27 - January 06, 2011, 12:40 AM

    It must have been the same tree that cried when the Prophet left it for a staff.

    I did wudu before entering this website.
  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #28 - January 06, 2011, 12:59 AM

    grin12 not come across some of chess & shoe removal.. in particularly licking your hands, a disgusting habit.  Why would anyone else want to lick your finges after eating?


    Perhaps all that tongue action explains how he kept all those wives happy. It explains a lot,really.

    El bien mas preciado / es la libertad
    hay que defenderla / con fe y valor.
  • Re: Rib Ticklingly funny Hadiths!
     Reply #29 - January 06, 2011, 01:02 AM

    And the virgins are going to fuck them looking like that? 

    Wait a minute!  I think I have figured it out.  Mo says that the majority of hell's residents are women.  But paradise is also full of women, the whores virgins that fuck all the jihadis.  So paradise is heaven for men and hell for women, all in one place.

    Of course this makes you wonder what men in hell and women in heaven are experiencing.



    "Wound Fetishists- Next on Jerry Springer !"


    El bien mas preciado / es la libertad
    hay que defenderla / con fe y valor.
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