Comedy Hadith of the Day

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Comedy Hadith of the Day
OP - December 29, 2008, 09:49 AM

Currently going through the labourious process of sifting through Bukhari from beginning to end .
I nearly fell off my chair when I read this!

1.277: Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, 'The (people of) Bani Israel used to take bath naked (all together) looking at each other. The Prophet Moses used to take a bath alone. They said, 'By Allah! Nothing prevents Moses from taking a bath with us except that he has a scrotal hernia.' So once Moses went out to take a bath and put his clothes over a stone and then that stone ran away with his clothes. Moses followed that stone saying, "My clothes, O stone! My clothes, O stone! till the people of Bani Israel saw him and said, 'By Allah, Moses has got no defect in his body. Moses took his clothes and began to beat the stone." Abu Huraira added, "By Allah! There are still six or seven marks present on the stone from that excessive beating." Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "When the Prophet Job (Aiyub) was taking a bath naked, golden locusts began to fall on him. Job started collecting them in his clothes. His Lord addressed him, 'O Job! Haven't I given you enough so that you are not in need of them.' Job replied, 'Yes!' By Your Honor (power)! But I cannot dispense with Your Blessings.' "

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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #1 - December 29, 2008, 09:52 AM

A bruised a sore stone was all that was left behind.

Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #2 - December 29, 2008, 09:55 AM

A stone ran away with his clothes Saucy stone, sounds like a scene from a Benny Hill sketch.

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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #3 - December 29, 2008, 12:18 PM

Yeah, they really were a whacky bunch in those days. Nothing that hilarious happens these days. I laughed so much, I inhaled me false teeth and choked to death.

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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #4 - December 29, 2008, 12:25 PM

Good going Moossa, show that turd who is boss. Anyone slights you after that Moossa, beat them. beat them so hard you leave 6 or 7 bruises on them. Ya! This is how a real man acts.

</sarcasm>

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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #5 - December 29, 2008, 02:49 PM

HAHA!

Imagine how hilarious our world would be if every time a Jewish man bathed naked a stone rolled off on down the street with his clothes or G-d showered him with locusts!

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #6 - December 29, 2008, 05:25 PM

I've read that before and it still makes me LOL aloud! If you think that's bad have you read the one about one of Muhammad's companion's stoning a monkey to death for committing fornication?!

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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #7 - December 29, 2008, 10:26 PM

Quote from: Pazuzu on December 29, 2008, 05:25 PM
I've read that before and it still makes me LOL aloud! If you think that's bad have you read the one about one of Muhammad's companion's stoning a monkey to death for committing fornication?!

Hey that's quality but stupidity with monkeys has happened more recently and closer to home.

Did you know that the fans of Hartlepool football club call themselves the monkey hangers because during the Napoleonic wars they arrested a Chimpanzee in Hartlepool because they thought it was a French spy.

They had court proceedings with the Chimpanzee in the dock being cross examined and the Chimp was found guilty of being a French spy and hung by the neck.

I kid you not.
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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #8 - December 30, 2008, 02:34 AM

They bloody what?

Just out of interest what was the chimpanzee's defense?

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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #9 - December 30, 2008, 02:46 AM

Quote from: osmanthus on December 30, 2008, 02:34 AM
They bloody what?

Just out of interest what was the chimpanzee's defense?

OH OH OOOO AH Ah OO A A, O O O O AAAAAAAAAAA.

Aperently they thought he was talking French and that was all the evidence they needed. Case closed.
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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #10 - December 30, 2008, 02:48 AM

Ferk. Was he done for contempt of court as well?

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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #11 - December 30, 2008, 02:58 AM

I'm not sure whether they thought that the French were training chimps as spies or they thought that Frenchmen looked and sounded like chimpanzees.

Hartlepool is a long way away from the English channel and the jungles of Africa so the chances of them ever having seen a Frenchman or a chimpanzee before is slim.
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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #12 - December 30, 2008, 02:59 AM

Why didn't they just corrupt the chimp and send him back to France as a double agent?

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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #13 - December 30, 2008, 03:25 AM

Chimps wont turn on their own kind If anything chimps are loyal, they cook a mean onion soup, grow fantastic garlic and apparently they are better lovers than the Brits.

Ooops that's the French. I got confused
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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #14 - December 30, 2008, 03:28 AM

It is hard to tell them apart sometimes. They both have funny accents.

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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #15 - December 30, 2008, 03:32 AM

Yes funny accents, short hairy swarthy fellas with onions on strings around their necks or bananas in the hand. Practically indistinguishable.

Are we being racist?
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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #16 - December 30, 2008, 03:40 AM

Of course not. The French are white so it isn't racist to slag them off.

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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #17 - December 30, 2008, 04:23 AM

Quote from: brucepig on December 30, 2008, 03:25 AM
Chimps wont turn on their own kind If anything chimps are loyal, they cook a mean onion soup, grow fantastic garlic and apparently they are better lovers than the Brits.

Ooops that's the French. I got confused

What next, Iranians taking zionist squirrel spies to court?

Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #18 - December 30, 2008, 04:25 AM

Have you ever seen Louis CK? He is the funniest man alive. Check dis.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCbc6XbFIDU
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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #19 - December 30, 2008, 04:29 AM

Quote from: brucepig on December 30, 2008, 04:25 AM
Have you ever seen Louis CK? He is the funniest man alive. Check dis.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCbc6XbFIDU

So true, I have never seen anyone, not even a white guy, get offended when you use the words "white trash".

But I would say Kat williams and Russell peters are in the running for funniest stand up comedy, along with Jack Dee, because I like his vicious brand of humour.

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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #20 - December 30, 2008, 05:36 PM

Quote from: BerberElla on December 30, 2008, 04:29 AM
Quote from: brucepig on December 30, 2008, 04:25 AM
Have you ever seen Louis CK? He is the funniest man alive. Check dis.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCbc6XbFIDU

So true, I have never seen anyone, not even a white guy, get offended when you use the words "white trash".

But I would say Kat williams and Russell peters are in the running for funniest stand up comedy, along with Jack Dee, because I like his vicious brand of humour.

And I have heard Chris Rock (a black guy) use the "N" word many times. I guess that's OK for black guys to say that, but not OK for us white folks.
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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #21 - December 30, 2008, 05:46 PM

Quote from: brucepig on December 30, 2008, 04:25 AM
Have you ever seen Louis CK? He is the funniest man alive. Check dis.

Most of the audience weren?t even laughing.

here is a funny german.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qkf5TVqusEc&eurl=http://video.google.co.uk/videosearch?hl=en&client=firefox-a&channel=s&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&hs&feature=player_embedded

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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #22 - January 02, 2009, 10:32 PM

Quote from: BerberElla on December 30, 2008, 04:23 AM
Quote from: brucepig on December 30, 2008, 03:25 AM
Chimps wont turn on their own kind If anything chimps are loyal, they cook a mean onion soup, grow fantastic garlic and apparently they are better lovers than the Brits.

Ooops that's the French. I got confused

What next, Iranians taking zionist squirrel spies to court?

I read about that. Thought it was fucking hilarious.

On a lighter note, I didn't know they even had squirrels in Iran - I thought they were European. Anyway, maybe the Iranians need a hobby, like squirrel-fishing.
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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #23 - January 03, 2009, 01:09 AM

Please post more hilarious hadiths, or point me to a website where I can read them.

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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #24 - January 03, 2009, 01:10 AM

Quote from: gallego on December 30, 2008, 05:36 PM
And I have heard Chris Rock (a black guy) use the "N" word many times. I guess that's OK for black guys to say that, but not OK for us white folks.

No, it's not. White trash isn't a serious insult, white trash isn't associated with your ancestors being hung from trees. A group can make fun of itself and it'll be ok, but it's not cool when you're outside of the group, esp. if your group is associated with old hostility, and some still harbor it (KKK, neo-nazis, etc.).

It tells alot about yourself when ask this kind of question.

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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #25 - January 03, 2009, 10:41 AM

Quote from: fading on January 03, 2009, 01:09 AM
Please post more hilarious hadiths, or point me to a website where I can read them.

One of my absolute favourites because it shows that despite accepting him as a man of god, people knew Muhammad made up the revelations himself:

Volume 7, Book 62, Number 115:
Narrated Ibn 'Umar:

During the lifetime of the Prophet we used to avoid chatting leisurely and freely with our wives lest some Divine inspiration might be revealed concerning us. But when the Prophet had died, we started chatting leisurely and freely (with them).

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This one, too, is LOLworthy:

Volume 1, Book 11, Number 582:
Narrated Abu Huraira:

Allah's Apostle said, "When the Adhan is pronounced Satan takes to his heels and passes wind with noise during his flight in order not to hear the Adhan."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As is this for its hilarious image and pointlessness in recording it:

Volume 9, Book 83, Number 38a:
Narrated Anas:

A man peeped into one of the dwelling places of the Prophet. The Prophet got up and aimed a sharp-edged arrow head (or wooden stick) at him to poke him stealthily.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's the word 'stealthily' that does it for me!

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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #26 - January 05, 2009, 02:28 AM

Quote from: osmanthus on December 30, 2008, 03:40 AM
Of course not. The French are white so it isn't racist to slag them off.

Take that thought back plz, the French are not white anymore so you will have to hold off on the slags.

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Re: Comedy Hadith of the Day
Reply #27 - January 05, 2009, 12:58 PM

Thank you Pazuzu. Keep 'em coming.

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