"George! Hello son, haven't seen you in a dog's age. How are you?"
"Hey Quod, I'm fantastic. Have you heard the good news?"
"Oh, your hamster finally gave birth? I know how much you love that thing."
"Oh, no. I threw Whiskers out the window."
"I threw her out the window."
"You live on the twelfth floor!"
"Why, why, why would you do that?"
"Hamsters are evil."
"It's okay. Fred told me,"
"Who the fuck is Fred?"
"Fred! You know Fred. Down the pub."
"Fred from down the pub told you hamsters are evil so you threw Whiskers out the window?"
"Why would you believe some random bloke down the pub that Whiskers is evil?"
"Not just Whiskers. All hamsters."
"It actually comes direct from Dave. Fred introduced me."
"Dave? There's a Dave now?"
"Yep. He's a prophet of god. His words are god's words. We're writing everything down in the Book of Dave. You alright Quod? Just noticed you're turned a bit pale."
"Jesus wept, you're in a cult! You're been brainwashed!"
"Well that's offensive."
"George, mate...are you on something? Are you having some sort of breakdown?"
"Not at all."
"Just, I know you've always been easily led, but...bloody hell."
"I know how it sounds, but it really is true! There's a golden unicorn and everything! The unicorn farted a rainbow and Dave rode him up it to Heaven to talk to god! I was there! Lots of people were!"
"So you all saw this happen?"
"Yes. Well, kinda."
"Well, we all went to see Dave out in the woods and he said he needed some time to himself. He went deep in the woods where nobody could see him. After an hour or so he came back. He'd been with god for a thousand years!"
"Oh, I know that look. Yeah, we pointed out to Dave it was only an hour but he told us that a thousand years with god is only an hour on Earth. Why are you shaking your head slowly back and forth?"
"I, I...I just...I don't know what to say."
"I get that."
"I don't think you do George."
"It's true! Dave had proof and everything!"
"Really? What proof?"
"God told him how when I was little my mum took me to a doctor to see if I was born a bit slow, and I was. I never told him that! How else could he know except god told him?"
"I can think of a few ways."
"It's a miracle!"
"George, mate, I have to be honest with you. You're scaring me. You've gotten yourself involved with crazy people! They aren't American are they? American republicans! They are, I knew it. It's always the bloody yanks doing this shit, now they're taking it international. I knew it wouldn't stop with the Mormons, then Scientology set up shop in London, now this Dave wanker is here...."
"Actually, he's from Liverpool."
"It's worse than I thought."
"You know, you can't prove Dave is lying."
"How do I explain this. Okay George, I know it's difficult for you, but try and stay with me here. See that person over there in the red top? Yes, that one. Don't stare George. Right. So say that person came up to me and told me they had a pet dog, I'd believe them. I know people have pet dogs, dogs were bred to be human companions, having them as pets is very common. I see it every day. Now, they might be lying. They might not have a pet dog. But it's so common, I would believe them. Now, imagine instead of a dog they tell me they have a pet dragon."
"What's the dragon's name?"
"Huh? I dunno. Smokey. Right, so that person over there in the red top tells me they have a pet dragon. Now that's a little different from saying they have a dog. I've never seen a dragon, I've never seen or heard anything to convince me dragons exist. So I'd need to see it for myself before I believe they have a mythological creature as a pet. Now this person could spin me a wild tale. Tell me that they can prove they have a dragon because of the ice caps. Thousands of years ago Smokey fought a race of ice giants and melted them with his fire breath, and that the ice caps are the frozen remains. But the ice caps are perfectly explained through nature. Now they could come up with even more stories trying to convince me. They could tell me a million stories about how Smokey did this and Smokey did that but if there's always another explanation that doesn't prove anything. And they still haven't shown me Smokey! I can believe they have a dog without proof because I see the evidence on a daily basis, but I can't do the same for a dragon. Understand?"
"So we can put this silliness behind us now then?"
"Oh, George. Come on mate..."
"How did Dave know my mum took me to the doctor, ay? Explain that it god didn't tell him!"
"Well, some things aren't hard to figure out."
"No, come on smart guy. How did Dave know my mum took me to get checked to see if I'm slow if I never told him unless god did?"
"George, I'm trying not to be...I mean...look, it's obvious to most you're not the sharpest tool in the box."
"I knew it! You're trying to trick and confuse me! God told Dave to tell us people would do that when the unicorn took him up the rainbow to heaven! Ha! More proof!"
"Look, calm down, alright? Okay, did Dave actually bring anything back from heaven? Some real proof you can hold, see, smell, test?"
"No, but he told us what it's like."
"I'm probably going to regret this, but go on..."
"You ever see those Japanese cartoons?"
"Anime, yeah. So?"
"The Japanese cartoon porn."
"It's called Hentai."
"How do you know what it's called?"
"Not important. So come on, what was heaven like?"
"Like nothing any human could come up with on his own. Real life anime girls with the big eyes and the huge tits and god gives you loads of them and you can have sex with forever and they'll do whatever you want! And you get a palace and servants and never ending wine and it's brilliant! Isn't it brilliant? We wrote it all down in the Book of Dave. But you can only go there if you believe Dave is a prophet of god. Dave said that only stupid people won't believe it and if we think it's bollocks that's the Devil trying to trick us and we should talk to Dave."
"George, mate, you've lost the plot. Look, we can go find Whiskers, okay? Give her a proper burial. How long ago did you throw her out the window?"
"About a month ago."
"Yeah, you're not getting Whiskers back."
"Why would I want to? I told you, hamsters are evil. God told Dave."
"You have lost the fucking plot. Please, let me help you. You can come round to mine, spend the night. We can ring the doctor in the morning yeah? Get someone to come round and see you."
"No! I want to go to heaven! God made you too stupid to ever see the truth! You need to seek forgiveness!"
"No one except you could ever believe this. It's insane."
"Fred believes it. He's even reading the Book of Dave to his kids every night so they won't go to hell."
The Temple of Dave is coming soon to an area near you! If you would like to have your own copy of the Book of Dave and learn more about the true path to god, please feel free to stop by
Remember that the Temple of Dave is protected by law under the Public Order Act 1986. Any communication which is threatening, abusive or insulting, and is intended to harass, alarm, or distress a follower of Dave constitutes as religious hatred and may result in a fine, a criminal conviction or both.