Just decided that i don't identify with islam anymore this month
OP - May 21, 2018, 09:28 PM
Hello, i joined this forum because i needed like minded people to talk to, people with similar experience, it's not very comfortable to be the only ex-muslim you know in real life and every one else around you believe in islam.
So i am trying to find friends and support here, and here is a bit of my back story.
I was born to a German convert mother and an Egyptian father. when i was 5 years old my father decided that we need to move to Egypt to make sure we would grow up good muslims.
He made me wear a small head scarf when i was 7, made me wear a long plain dress and a long head scarf - khumar- when i was 11, i went to Al-azhar school and university, when i was 12 i went to a mosque to learn quran, There a teacher convinced me to wear a face veil at 13, by then i was wearing all black and even covering my eyes.
I used to watch anime, and was the worst member in the family for that, they made me feel very guilty about it, i used to imagine my self burning in hell before clicking the start button, but it took me years to stop after having some weird dreams, then i switched to religion.
I would watch religious shows, hear lectures and read books, i gave up drawing and for two years my life revolved around religion i had no reason to fear the fire, and it felt good to be close to allah, it didn't last and i started watching anime and drawing again but without a lot of guilt, I just didn't care by then.
At the time i was religious, i chose to study literature in high school, which meant no science no math, just because i believed girls can't work, so i wanted to work from home as a translator, i regret this deeply, i wasn't into literature at all, science and math were my things.
Eventually i studied psychology, i understood how humans and society work, and i started having doubts, a lot of small doubts, but the biggest was how can you say it's fair for me who was born a muslim and know arabic to go to heaven and other people who don't have the same chances go to hell.
but i brushed all my doubts aside, and they became more and more, i remember last Ramadan praying and telling my self "lets be clear here, you think that and that, and that makes you an unbeliever"
I also because of anime could read and understand English, so i had a lot more available for me in the internet, and eventually i told my self that i need to see if the quran really has a good proof of being the word of god for very good people to be thrown in hell for eternity, i quickly found out that it didn't.
I was shocked to find that all i though was true is false, so what no god?! mohammed isn't a real prophet ?, i was sad that i can't see my mother again when she dies, i was relieved that most people aren't going to burn for eternity, and i realized that i don't need to hate myself for being a girl, for having this body.
But now i don't know what to do, i wasn't allowed to go to study in Germany like my brothers, and would take a very long time working to get the money i need to go, i feel sorry for my mother, i feel sorry for my father.
I am still wearing a face veil, i am still praying 5 times a day and fasting of course.
But i am not going to die falsely thinking that i know what life is all about.
Topic: Just decided that i don't identify with islam anymore this month