I've had a few weeks on my own. I'm rebuilding my work ethic back up.
That's good. You need some positive growth to focus on, it will help to slowly rebuild your self-esteem
But I feel that something terribly wrong has gone on inside of me that I can't fix, something's been corrupted for having stayed with my family for so long.
It isn't unusual for people who have been abused to feel like something is wrong with them very deep down. It's because we internalised the messages that our parents gave us, so we blame ourselves rather than their poor treatment of us. It took me years to recognise that feeling in myself and address it through therapy. You're not alone in feeling like this, and it does go away one day.
I thought I would feel liberated by moving out, that I'd enjoy life again but that's not what's happened. I was never good at much, just writing. I tried getting into reading again and it's still such a chore. I can't get my disgustingly disdainful father's words out of my head whenever I pick up a book, 'you shouldn't be reading ENGLISH books! Your depression is because of these haram books you *insert dehumanising expletive*'. Or 'there is nothing out there. Islam is all you need.' This without needing to mention the physical abuse at times. The shame has been embedded and it's all fucked...up. I'm still fucked up.
This stuff heals with time. I was still terrified of hell for over a year after losing my faith. Take it one day at a time. Whenever improvements happen for you, it may be worth writing them down so you can go back to them during the darker days to remind yourself that things are really improving. You could start it off with the fact that you moved out. That is a big accomplishment.
Of course people say you shouldn't dwell on anything bad that people have said to you. Easier said than done. I just see their eyes of disappointment and anger all the time in my head like a fuckng virus that will not go away. How these cretins tried their best to shame who I am. I'm talking as if I'm gay or I once openly declared that I was ex-Muslim, which in both cases isn't even the case. Yet they still went to extraordinary lengths to control me at times (minus the internet of course, the cretins couldn't even comprehend the scale of what it is).
I feel like if I go back, I feel like I have to humble someone. Maybe say that I'm going to kill myself and that it's their fault. See if I find catharsis there. Being a weak sap, I've never been good at standing up for myself but whatever.
You left. That is the most powerful way to stand up to an abuser. Look after yourself, one of the most important things that we learn to do when we leave abusive parents is to parent our own selves. This isn't easy and can take years to learn.
This one is up to you: I would recommend that you learn about Complex PTSD. Childhood abuse leaves its mark in this way, and learning about it helped my growth a lot. reddit has a very good community devoted to it (https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/
). And Pete Walker has a very good book about it called Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. I can get you the free ebook if you ever want to read it.
I hope things improve for you Ward. Please feel free to pm me if you ever need it. I ran away myself several years ago, I understand how lonely it can feel. Please keep talking to us, get a therapist if possible. Learn to socialise, don't be afraid to make mistakes. We're all here for you