Skip navigation
Sidebar -

Advanced search options →

Welcome

Welcome to CEMB forum.
Please login or register. Did you miss your activation email?

Donations

Help keep the Forum going!
Click on Kitty to donate:

Kitty is lost

Recent Posts


Qur'anic studies today
Today at 12:33 PM

300 "predator priests" ...
Today at 03:19 AM

Another Word Game
Today at 02:17 AM

Hi everyone
Yesterday at 08:16 AM

face veils & Islam back...
August 16, 2018, 02:25 PM

Indonesian here
August 16, 2018, 03:47 AM

Reading Quran And Inquiri...
August 15, 2018, 04:33 PM

What happens in these day...
August 15, 2018, 02:17 PM

NayaPakistan...New Pakist...
August 15, 2018, 11:58 AM

Theme Changer

 Topic: Staring into an abyss

 (Read 2197 times)
  • Previous page 1 2« Previous thread | Next thread »
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #30 - July 07, 2018, 10:45 PM

    Cutting myself makes me feel good, and unfortunately I'm not being entirely facetious. I've been ground down for so many years without standing up for myself that despite moving out, I still feel empty. I don't feel motivated to learn a new skill or even to try and enjoy things I used to do like reading. Years of living with shame I think has killed my self esteem. I find nothing interesting besides posting every now and then on here and cutting myself to keep the depression at bay. I don't feel like starting anew. I thought I would feel better by now but I don't.
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #31 - July 08, 2018, 12:32 AM

    The thing most people don't tell you is just how therapeutic self-harm can be. Imagine a sink with the taps constantly on, the never ending water (negative emotion) constantly flowing into the sink (you), and all you can do to stop it from overflowing is to occasionally pull the plug (self-harm), draining said sink. As the taps never shut off, the water (emotion) is constantly filling the sink (you) up, and if you didn't occasionally pull the plug (self-harm), the water would fill the sink and overflow, spilling out where it wasn't contained and you couldn't control it. That's where the law and forever words on forever records can come in. Best thing to do was just pull the plug every now and then.

    It's only when you manage to heal you realise how fucked that ratonal is. Sadly, it can take years to turn the taps off.

    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #32 - July 08, 2018, 02:13 AM

    Quote
    Sadly, it can take years to turn the taps off.


    Well, yeah. Though some people are able to heal quicker than others. I'm just too much of an emotionally sensitive/weak person to get over certain things. All my life I've been told that there's nothing out there of value, only Islam. That happiness only comes from Islam and praying like a slave. Physical abuse is easy to get over, the mental scars I can't. I wish I were a resilient person and 'move on' but I'm struggling very hard to get to that sense of self worth. I don't know if I'll ever get there.
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #33 - July 08, 2018, 02:33 AM

    It can take years. And there's nothing wrong with feeling weakness unless it consumes you. It's about managing.

    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #34 - July 18, 2018, 07:31 AM

    Resilient people don't just move on Ward, they still feel the scars but they learn to manage them. I hope that can happen for you too some day. I'm happy to hear you are moving out, it's important to stay away from your oppressors and get a clearer mind. It's difficult to see how much they affect your state of mind until you have gone no-contact for a while.
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #35 - July 19, 2018, 02:49 AM

    The thing is, I don't like to think of my parents as oppressors. Maybe I should, I don't know.

    Moving out, I thought I would've felt a wave of relief. I haven't felt that.
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #36 - July 19, 2018, 12:25 PM

    That is more normal than you think. I still have a hard time considering my parents as abusers, and for the first few years I wouldn't even entertain that thought at all. I was fully convinced they were kind towards me. You don't need to consider them as anything. For now, concentrate on yourself. It wont be easy, but your mental health and stability should be your priority. I hope you can get a decent therapist too, they help a lot.
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #37 - July 21, 2018, 08:49 AM

    That is more normal than you think

     Afro

    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #38 - July 30, 2018, 10:03 PM

    So glad you've moved out Ward! Its a huge step - You know,  It might make your parents question themselves on their parenting. However, don't go back until your strong enough.
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #39 - August 06, 2018, 12:55 PM

    Quote
    So glad you've moved out Ward! Its a huge step - You know,  It might make your parents question themselves on their parenting. However, don't go back until your strong enough.


    I'm thinking of going back to check up on my mum. I've had my issues with her but I kind of regret not sending out word that I'm OK. I left without any parting words and I haven't spoken to my family in weeks.

  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #40 - August 06, 2018, 12:58 PM

    I've had a few weeks on my own. I'm rebuilding my work ethic back up. But I feel that something terribly wrong has gone on inside of me that I can't fix, something's been corrupted for having stayed with my family for so long. I thought I would feel liberated by moving out, that I'd enjoy life again but that's not what's happened. I was never good at much, just writing. I tried getting into reading again and it's still such a chore. I can't get my disgustingly disdainful father's words out of my head whenever I pick up a book, 'you shouldn't be reading ENGLISH books! Your depression is because of these haram books you *insert dehumanising expletive*'. Or 'there is nothing out there. Islam is all you need.' This without needing to mention the physical abuse at times.  The shame has been embedded and it's all fucked...up. I'm still fucked up.

    Of course people say you shouldn't dwell on anything bad that people have said to you. Easier said than done. I just see their eyes of disappointment and anger all the time in my head like a fuckng virus that will not go away. How these cretins tried their best to shame who I am. I'm talking as if I'm gay or I once openly declared that I was ex-Muslim, which in both cases isn't even the case. Yet they still went to extraordinary lengths to control me at times (minus the internet of course, the cretins couldn't even comprehend the scale of what it is).

    I feel like if I go back, I feel like I have to humble someone. Maybe say that I'm going to kill myself and that it's their fault. See if I find catharsis there. Being a weak sap, I've never been good at standing up for myself but whatever.
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #41 - August 08, 2018, 11:25 AM

    I'm thinking of going back to check up on my mum. I've had my issues with her but I kind of regret not sending out word that I'm OK. I left without any parting words and I haven't spoken to my family in weeks.




    Not surprising. It's your mum. Do you really need to say any more?

    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Previous page 1 2« Previous thread | Next thread »