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 Topic: Staring into an abyss

 (Read 3091 times)
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  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #30 - July 07, 2018, 10:45 PM

    Cutting myself makes me feel good, and unfortunately I'm not being entirely facetious. I've been ground down for so many years without standing up for myself that despite moving out, I still feel empty. I don't feel motivated to learn a new skill or even to try and enjoy things I used to do like reading. Years of living with shame I think has killed my self esteem. I find nothing interesting besides posting every now and then on here and cutting myself to keep the depression at bay. I don't feel like starting anew. I thought I would feel better by now but I don't.
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #31 - July 08, 2018, 12:32 AM

    The thing most people don't tell you is just how therapeutic self-harm can be. Imagine a sink with the taps constantly on, the never ending water (negative emotion) constantly flowing into the sink (you), and all you can do to stop it from overflowing is to occasionally pull the plug (self-harm), draining said sink. As the taps never shut off, the water (emotion) is constantly filling the sink (you) up, and if you didn't occasionally pull the plug (self-harm), the water would fill the sink and overflow, spilling out where it wasn't contained and you couldn't control it. That's where the law and forever words on forever records can come in. Best thing to do was just pull the plug every now and then.

    It's only when you manage to heal you realise how fucked that ratonal is. Sadly, it can take years to turn the taps off.

    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #32 - July 08, 2018, 02:13 AM

    Quote
    Sadly, it can take years to turn the taps off.


    Well, yeah. Though some people are able to heal quicker than others. I'm just too much of an emotionally sensitive/weak person to get over certain things. All my life I've been told that there's nothing out there of value, only Islam. That happiness only comes from Islam and praying like a slave. Physical abuse is easy to get over, the mental scars I can't. I wish I were a resilient person and 'move on' but I'm struggling very hard to get to that sense of self worth. I don't know if I'll ever get there.
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #33 - July 08, 2018, 02:33 AM

    It can take years. And there's nothing wrong with feeling weakness unless it consumes you. It's about managing.

    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #34 - July 18, 2018, 07:31 AM

    Resilient people don't just move on Ward, they still feel the scars but they learn to manage them. I hope that can happen for you too some day. I'm happy to hear you are moving out, it's important to stay away from your oppressors and get a clearer mind. It's difficult to see how much they affect your state of mind until you have gone no-contact for a while.
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #35 - July 19, 2018, 02:49 AM

    The thing is, I don't like to think of my parents as oppressors. Maybe I should, I don't know.

    Moving out, I thought I would've felt a wave of relief. I haven't felt that.
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #36 - July 19, 2018, 12:25 PM

    That is more normal than you think. I still have a hard time considering my parents as abusers, and for the first few years I wouldn't even entertain that thought at all. I was fully convinced they were kind towards me. You don't need to consider them as anything. For now, concentrate on yourself. It wont be easy, but your mental health and stability should be your priority. I hope you can get a decent therapist too, they help a lot.
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #37 - July 21, 2018, 08:49 AM

    That is more normal than you think

     Afro

    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #38 - July 30, 2018, 10:03 PM

    So glad you've moved out Ward! Its a huge step - You know,  It might make your parents question themselves on their parenting. However, don't go back until your strong enough.
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #39 - August 06, 2018, 12:55 PM

    Quote
    So glad you've moved out Ward! Its a huge step - You know,  It might make your parents question themselves on their parenting. However, don't go back until your strong enough.


    I'm thinking of going back to check up on my mum. I've had my issues with her but I kind of regret not sending out word that I'm OK. I left without any parting words and I haven't spoken to my family in weeks.

  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #40 - August 06, 2018, 12:58 PM

    I've had a few weeks on my own. I'm rebuilding my work ethic back up. But I feel that something terribly wrong has gone on inside of me that I can't fix, something's been corrupted for having stayed with my family for so long. I thought I would feel liberated by moving out, that I'd enjoy life again but that's not what's happened. I was never good at much, just writing. I tried getting into reading again and it's still such a chore. I can't get my disgustingly disdainful father's words out of my head whenever I pick up a book, 'you shouldn't be reading ENGLISH books! Your depression is because of these haram books you *insert dehumanising expletive*'. Or 'there is nothing out there. Islam is all you need.' This without needing to mention the physical abuse at times.  The shame has been embedded and it's all fucked...up. I'm still fucked up.

    Of course people say you shouldn't dwell on anything bad that people have said to you. Easier said than done. I just see their eyes of disappointment and anger all the time in my head like a fuckng virus that will not go away. How these cretins tried their best to shame who I am. I'm talking as if I'm gay or I once openly declared that I was ex-Muslim, which in both cases isn't even the case. Yet they still went to extraordinary lengths to control me at times (minus the internet of course, the cretins couldn't even comprehend the scale of what it is).

    I feel like if I go back, I feel like I have to humble someone. Maybe say that I'm going to kill myself and that it's their fault. See if I find catharsis there. Being a weak sap, I've never been good at standing up for myself but whatever.
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #41 - August 08, 2018, 11:25 AM

    I'm thinking of going back to check up on my mum. I've had my issues with her but I kind of regret not sending out word that I'm OK. I left without any parting words and I haven't spoken to my family in weeks.




    Not surprising. It's your mum. Do you really need to say any more?

    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #42 - August 19, 2018, 04:08 PM

    I've had a few weeks on my own. I'm rebuilding my work ethic back up.

    That's good. You need some positive growth to focus on, it will help to slowly rebuild your self-esteem Smiley

    But I feel that something terribly wrong has gone on inside of me that I can't fix, something's been corrupted for having stayed with my family for so long.

    It isn't unusual for people who have been abused to feel like something is wrong with them very deep down. It's because we internalised the messages that our parents gave us, so we blame ourselves rather than their poor treatment of us. It took me years to recognise that feeling in myself and address it through therapy. You're not alone in feeling like this, and it does go away one day.

    I thought I would feel liberated by moving out, that I'd enjoy life again but that's not what's happened. I was never good at much, just writing. I tried getting into reading again and it's still such a chore. I can't get my disgustingly disdainful father's words out of my head whenever I pick up a book, 'you shouldn't be reading ENGLISH books! Your depression is because of these haram books you *insert dehumanising expletive*'. Or 'there is nothing out there. Islam is all you need.' This without needing to mention the physical abuse at times.  The shame has been embedded and it's all fucked...up. I'm still fucked up.

    This stuff heals with time. I was still terrified of hell for over a year after losing my faith. Take it one day at a time. Whenever improvements happen for you, it may be worth writing them down so you can go back to them during the darker days to remind yourself that things are really improving. You could start it off with the fact that you moved out. That is a big accomplishment.

    Of course people say you shouldn't dwell on anything bad that people have said to you. Easier said than done. I just see their eyes of disappointment and anger all the time in my head like a fuckng virus that will not go away. How these cretins tried their best to shame who I am. I'm talking as if I'm gay or I once openly declared that I was ex-Muslim, which in both cases isn't even the case. Yet they still went to extraordinary lengths to control me at times (minus the internet of course, the cretins couldn't even comprehend the scale of what it is).

    I feel like if I go back, I feel like I have to humble someone. Maybe say that I'm going to kill myself and that it's their fault. See if I find catharsis there. Being a weak sap, I've never been good at standing up for myself but whatever.

    You left. That is the most powerful way to stand up to an abuser. Look after yourself, one of the most important things that we learn to do when we leave abusive parents is to parent our own selves. This isn't easy and can take years to learn.

    This one is up to you: I would recommend that you learn about Complex PTSD. Childhood abuse leaves its mark in this way, and learning about it helped my growth a lot. reddit has a very good community devoted to it (https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/). And Pete Walker has a very good book about it called Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. I can get you the free ebook if you ever want to read it.


    I hope things improve for you Ward. Please feel free to pm me if you ever need it. I ran away myself several years ago, I understand how lonely it can feel. Please keep talking to us, get a therapist if possible. Learn to socialise, don't be afraid to make mistakes. We're all here for you  far away hug
  • Staring into an abyss
     Reply #43 - September 24, 2018, 03:18 PM

    Thanks Peruvian. I'll check out that book when I get the time. Self harm went up a few weeks ago but at the moment I'm doing OK.
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