4 years on as an ex-Muslim in UK

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- twolives
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
4 years on as an ex-Muslim in UK
OP - May 29, 2018, 09:21 AM

Hi all,

I thought I’d make a brief post sharing my journey, struggles and wins.

Brief background info:
- In my 20s
- Originally North African born and bred in UK speak fluent Arabic & English
- learnt half the Quran off by heart
- Used to be extremely religious (voluntarily) between 15-17 years old (strange I know)
- left because I studied religion and philosophy so vigirously that I just naturally saw the truth.
- come from a very scientific academic background

So - I’ve SLOWLY got my family to accept that I don’t pray and generally don’t practise Islam as I used to WITHOUT having to spell it out. I love my family so much and I respect the fact that they will most likely die under the belief of Islam and it would suck to create a void between them and myself. However, all religion is manmade and bullshit. My biggest struggle right now is the following..............

I CANT GET THE RULES (HARAM AND HALAL) out of my freaking head. The culture I grew up on shoves the RULES so far up your.... ##### that even now as an independant successful male I still have these subconscious guilt!!! What the f#%#.

And also - I still have this societal pressure - IN MY HEAD - where I fear what my “COMMUNITY” will say.

Anyway - I fucking hate religion. I dedicated years and years of my life learning the quran and everything to do with islam only to find out it was all a very clever hoax. But that’s not the problem - I’m now onto the practical side where I’ve realised religion IS NOT just rules.... religion becomes the fabric of society/family/community and leaving a religion is NOT like getting rid of your iPhone and buying a Samsung instead........ it’s much more difficult.

Leaving Islam (academically/scientifically/logically) = easy
Leaving the culture associated with islam & family = super complicated

Would love to hear your comments / thoughts etc.
- Absurdist
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
4 years on as an ex-Muslim in UK
Reply #1 - May 29, 2018, 01:27 PM

What’s worse is the ritual habits. I’ve stopped actively believing over 10 years ago, but I have OCD and I still say du’a as a ritual habit. I don’t believe in it, but I still fear something might happen if I don’t say it.
- Scheimaa
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
4 years on as an ex-Muslim in UK
Reply #2 - May 30, 2018, 12:02 AM

i just stopped believing a month ago, i can't even imagine missing a prayer,i am still wearing a face veil, and since i live in a muslim country with a conservative muslim family that brings religion in everything, i still feel like a muslim.

like someone who learned late in life that the earth is round and the stars are blazing suns, but still sees the earth as flat and the stars as specks of light on a black sheet.

that makes me feel very uneasy, as if i don't know who i am anymore.

one day when i escape to Europe, i probably will try counseling to deal with guilt - for leaving every thing i was trained into -
it became clear to me that me praying wasn't because i liked to pray or really to enter the heaven, it's something i
trained my self into it because i didn't want to go to hell.

maybe you can see if counseling can help you with that.
- asbie
- Actually just a dude
- Poster of the Month
- Past, present, future...
- offline
4 years on as an ex-Muslim in UK
Reply #3 - June 02, 2018, 02:10 PM

Quote from: twolives on May 29, 2018, 09:21 AM
Hi all,

I thought I’d make a brief post sharing my journey, struggles and wins.

Brief background info:
- In my 20s
- Originally North African born and bred in UK speak fluent Arabic & English
- learnt half the Quran off by heart
- Used to be extremely religious (voluntarily) between 15-17 years old (strange I know)
- left because I studied religion and philosophy so vigirously that I just naturally saw the truth.
- come from a very scientific academic background

So - I’ve SLOWLY got my family to accept that I don’t pray and generally don’t practise Islam as I used to WITHOUT having to spell it out. I love my family so much and I respect the fact that they will most likely die under the belief of Islam and it would suck to create a void between them and myself. However, all religion is manmade and bullshit. My biggest struggle right now is the following..............

I CANT GET THE RULES (HARAM AND HALAL) out of my freaking head. The culture I grew up on shoves the RULES so far up your.... ##### that even now as an independant successful male I still have these subconscious guilt!!! What the f#%#.

And also - I still have this societal pressure - IN MY HEAD - where I fear what my “COMMUNITY” will say.

Anyway - I fucking hate religion. I dedicated years and years of my life learning the quran and everything to do with islam only to find out it was all a very clever hoax. But that’s not the problem - I’m now onto the practical side where I’ve realised religion IS NOT just rules.... religion becomes the fabric of society/family/community and leaving a religion is NOT like getting rid of your iPhone and buying a Samsung instead........ it’s much more difficult.

Leaving Islam (academically/scientifically/logically) = easy
Leaving the culture associated with islam & family = super complicated

Would love to hear your comments / thoughts etc.

A certain amount of acceptance of a non-idealized reality is helpful. It helps deal with some off the cognitive dissonance associated with just getting on in interactions with Muslim family / community members. It doesn't make you a hypocrite or anything like that.

I feel like every once in a while trying to pin down what I actually believe in my head and honestly gauging my values helps me with regards to some of the indoctrinated rules. I don't consider what I do quite along the lines of journaling, but writing some of that stuff down can be helpful for retaining sanity.

Quote from: yeezevee on February 11, 2016, 02:05 PM
how fuck works without shit??

Let's Play Chess!

harakaat, friend, RIP
- ElToro
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
4 years on as an ex-Muslim in UK
Reply #4 - June 02, 2018, 03:12 PM

Hi, welcome to the forum
- asimwarraich
- Member
- offline
4 years on as an ex-Muslim in UK
Reply #5 - June 03, 2018, 09:57 PM

It gets very complicated. It used to be so easy when i believed in religion, for every problem i could blame god and forget about it, but since the time i realised about truth, i feel like that i have no leg to stand on, i am on my own, no one is a true friend or family.

You can't change the world by being part of it.
- asimwarraich
- Member
- offline
4 years on as an ex-Muslim in UK
Reply #6 - June 03, 2018, 10:02 PM

I never had a problem about gulity conscious but mainly i worry about Ulterior motives of people.

You can't change the world by being part of it.
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