I don't know how to be soft anymore
Reply #4 - March 17, 2018, 10:50 AM
Hey Aqua. I'm someone who has been through the exact same thing, and I'm still struggling with some aspects of it. I actually had a conversation with one of my best friends a couple of weeks ago about it. I used to have this ugly resting bitch face on all the time. Even when I didn't feel anything, or maybe when I was "kind of happy", I still looked hard and angry.
I've build walls around myself for protection. I even developed this "intuition" that I can spot potentially "dangerous" and "problematic" people miles away. I see it in the way they move and interact with others, the way they look and small glances they give away, like micro-behaviour others usually don't see. I'm always observing people low-key to see what type of person they are and analyze them. I'm not saying its a super power, but so far this "intuition" has never failed me. But it's still a heavy load to bear, and I wish I was happy and naive as everyone else.
But it does get better. It really does. Before I had this impenetrable wall around me, and now I'm slowly letting people into my life. But you have to move away from your toxic environment, you have to find good people who will support you and surround yourself with them. And cut away all the toxic people from your life. It takes time, but it does get better, as long as you are willing to work on yourself and move out from your "comfort zone", or armour or whatever you want to call it.
Lately I've gone through a lot of new things in my life, and it has really changed the way I feel and look at things. It's not like it was an epiphany and now everything is flowers and parades. It has just given me new useful tools to handle all the issues I go around carrying with me. I've always wanted to have full control over everything. Because during hard times, that control was what saved me. But now I need to learn to let it go. Or as someone told me, "just slide". When I let things just "slide", is when I can relax and enjoy life.
"The healthiest people I know are those who are the first to label themselves fucked up." - three