making compromises with the relatives after our marriage
OP - December 06, 2017, 04:29 PM
So my husband and I chose to get married in April 2017 to mark our 10th Anniversary of being together; we invited those that have been with us, supported us, enjoyed our ups and helped us through our downs throughout our relationship that lead to the amazing day of our marriage.
We didn't have a wedding; we had the civil ceremony in the council hall, then went to a nice pub with our close friends for lunch and dinner.
Both our families - mine Muslim, his Christian, were not invited or told prior to the date, as they have not been there to support us together; throughout our relationship they have tried to push us apart, told us "it was a phase", been racist towards the other family and have actually separated us. We have come through all of it; we are not religious.
We feel that people shouldn't be ignored or hated or left out for all of their lives, so we wrote (handwrote) a letter to each family (when we got back from our honeymoon, a month and a half later) letting them know we had got married and the date, also including why we chose not to invite them. Our main reasons were; this was for us to celebrate our 10 years together, those invited had supported us and seen us together during that time and it was only a small event. Both families are fully aware of why we didn't want them there without us having to mention it.
We have heard back from both families; initially good and very happy for us then we have found as time has gone on they have both become a little annoyed; which we predicted, and agreed with each other that should that happen we will do something small for them so they can feel involved in our life.
This seemed to settle things for a while. His family are a bit "shocked" at his choice, and hoped from more from "their son", they would like things to be back they were before we were married as in "now I guess it's final". That's non religious I guess and more of a mother-son thing.
Now my family have said that now we are married we should do the nikah for them, we have said we are not religious therefore we feel it wouldn't be right to just pretend for our parents. Plus then how many extra / additional things will they say in the future to do just for them? They have said if we do it, it means they don't go to hell; we looked up various quotes from the Qu'ran including:
109: Surah Al-Kafirun
"I do not worship that which you worship,
"Nor do you worship That Which I worship.
"Nor will I worship that which you have been worshipping,
"Neither will you worship That Which I worship.
"To you your religion and to me mine."
35:18 Surah Fatir
And no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another. And if a heavily laden soul calls [another] to [carry some of] its load, nothing of it will be carried, even if he should be a close relative. You can only warn those who fear their Lord unseen and have established prayer. And whoever purifies himself only purifies himself for [the benefit of] his soul. And to Allah is the [final] destination.
These do not seem to phase them. They still think we should go ahead with it for them. But it is their blessing for us, so we don't understand what they are trying to gain out of it - does anyone have any idea?
If they want some sort of something for them like the knowledge that their day of judgement will not be affected by our actions, we are happy to do a prayer for them if it helps them. But how do we go about this?
We don't want to do the nikah if they add extra things they want in the future, like having a male child circumcised, or having them brought up a certain way. We will do what we feel is best when we get to that point, if we want children....
We do want to respect their views and religion. Any thoughts?