I've spent my whole life, muslim. I am in my late teens right now, almost over.
I have always been a practicing muslim, in fact not just that, I've always had a very deep love for Islam, and Allah. I always knew Islam is the true religion, and Allah is the true description of God. I had deep devotion and love for him and his book, and was a staunch defender. There were always things I never understood, but I always humbled myself, attributed them to Gods utmost wisdom and my lack of understanding as a human. Despite that, I like to say I've always been a deeply empathetic and agreeable person.
But, I always considered faith more important as humanity. Its what I was taught.....but I wonder now, if that what I truly deep in my heart believed...
As I child I began reading the Quran very early. My family weren't very
religous but they had deep faith in their religion, which transferred onto me. I remember in my late childhood and teens, I would pray Quran after fajr salat everyday, while sitting on the prayer mat, because I truly believed angels descended down to watch me.
In my mid teens, I started attending some ladies' quran sessions. I felt my love for the Allah and Islam deepen. I would tear up while reading it. My favorite surah was, and still is, Surah Balad.
I began hijab by my own will. I was so happy wearing it. It was very hard, because I have low heat tolerance. But I did it. Part of me told me Allah was blessing me. Weirdly enough...the moment I began wearing hijabm my life improved. In many aspects. I proudly attributed the positive changes to my commencing wearing hijab, and used that as a motivator to continue wearing it.
As I grew, the hatred and radicalization also grew. As an empathetic person this was very hard to handle. But I told myself, this is just Allah's test. It'll all be worth it.
So it went on, I lived my life, always proud and happy of my faith, it was a very important part of me, a source of peace.
But this was soon to change.
One day, I was feeling deeply faithful. I was watching up videos of converts to Islam to strengthen my faith. Then my mind began to drift off. I started thinking of some women issues in Islam. And so it began, my doubts, my inner turmoil, my recognition of everything wrong with the religion, shifting sects, and the terrible, the horrid, the painful mental gymnastics I underwent for the next months.
It started with polygamy, I read some horrible stories of women suffering under polygamy, men getting away with such cruel stuff, all sanctioned by god. In Sunni Islam a man could marry a second wife while hiding the news from his first. it felt s awful imagining what these women went through, and I imagined my own self in their shoes, and I felt so terribly awful. Then it was divorce. In sunni Islam, unlike secular countries, a woman has no right to division of assets or alimony. so basically, if a woman is a devoted wife for 50 years, supports her husband through thick and thin, sacrifices everything for her husband, and is one day divorced by him, she will get nothing. She'd literally be left with nothing. I thought of all the poor, old elderly women living in my home country, in that situation, and I felt so incredibly awful at how this so called feminist religion could let this happen to them.
It all made sense know, why muslim countries were the way they were, why people said Islam oppresses women. I felt so awful at knowing how protected secular women were, and there was no such thing for women in my home country, no alimony, no protection against DV, no child custody rights.....nothing. Next was triple talaaq, I wondered how something so awful can be sanctioned by God. I wondered if I were to ever be in an abusive marriage, my only freedom relying on mehr or the mercy of a judge. It made me feel sick. Testimony, inheritance, sex slavery, etc, all so particularly unfair. Thats the word that was bugging me, unfair
. I prayed to Allah, why oh Allah did you make things so unfair for women? It made my head hurt. I had an exam the next week, but I spent all day and all week on the internet looking for answers. My head would be in inner turmoil. I ignored my own life. These terrible days turned into weeks, then months for me.
Finally, I found something that gave me peace. Progressive Islam. The very sweet sugar coating of honey on an apple rotten at its core. But I didn't need to see the core. I bit through the surface of the apple, that was enough to console my shaky faith. It didn't last long, I saw the problems in Progressive Islam.
The turmoil in my head continued. Let me explain; I loved Islam. I was finding out Islam is bad. I loved and hated it. It wouldn't let me leave. I was basically in an abusive relationship. A very painful one. I know it may seem I am foolishly over exaggerating, but this is truly how I felt...
I prayed for guidance. Prayed to Allah oh please make it sense to me. At this point, I was talking to ex-muslims alot. I continued interacting with exmuslims, I really liked talking to them, I would get annoyed at them, but would never challenge them... but I knew...I simply knew in my heart that no matter what I would never leave Islam. I would never leave.
The answer to all my prayers came in the form of, Quranism. I realize that Quranism, alot of woman issues were cleared. At this point, I was so desperate for some consolation to my shaky faith, I accepted Quranism in an instant. And went on the website Free Minds. Now came the painful....painful...excruciating....mental gymnastics. It was a never ending cycle of inner turmoil inside my brain, I tried and tried to find answers, I would find them, but then something new would open it, and so the horrible cycle went on. I hate Free Minds now. I also like it, but the deceit.....and hypocrisy...is unnerving. I agree with the principle of quranism, hadith are silly and the quran never hints of them, however the rest I shall point out my issues to some other time.
Anyway, it went on, I thought I was happy as a quranist, but I never really was, the mental gymnastics ripped my brain apart into shreds. I couldn't take it anymore. I began to see how contrived the quranists and progressives apologetic were, how they had no real basis in the Quran, how they were twisting and turning things to say what they wanted it to say. Still, I didn't give up. Free Minds has some very intelligent people. One such user believed the Quran was divine, but was corrupted. I reconciled with that for a while...until I realized, it made absolutely no sense. How could we possibly know which parts are true then? Do we just ignore the verses that protect the sanctity of the book? I began to realize how he was also merely tricking himself to believing...and how it made no sense.
I truly felt terrible....I just wanted it to end. I wanted this pain to end so badly. I wish I had remained ignorant. Ignorance is bliss. I wish I had never bothered going on IslamQA, or studying more about Islam. It was so awful , to have an earthquake erupt in my faith, I felt so broken...
At this point, I also began reading about deism and panenthiesm....I liked them. I had found out about pedophilia in the Quran, verse 65:4 , and was horrified. Once again i continued the endless cycle of looking for some confirmation and twisted answer at free minds to calm my worries...I found someone, there's always an apologetic......but this time, I wasn't satisfied. Why Allah, why did you make it this way?
Polygamy, divorce, inheritance, violence, wife beating....someone or another, I found someway it another to twist and turn my brain to find a suitable answer. But pedophilia/65:4.....there was no way. There was no way Id tolerate any covering of that. I couldn't take it anymore. The mental gymnastics gave me severe ocd and intrusive thoughts. Made me almost fail my exams. Made my family worried. I realized this was an endless pit of despair, which had no way out...
So....I broke free. I broke free from the Quran. I saw the evil for what it was.......I ripped it apart, through it in mud, flushed it down, through it in the garbage for all the hell it had put me and so many people through....
Unfortunately, it wasn't over yet for me. I was hardly free. So began the cycle of fear, guilt, and regret. I kept thinking I was making a mistake, I was going to burn in hell, and I had no valid reason to believe. I studied in detail every reason that was wrong with Islam. The violence, hell fire, how it looked like a mere political tool, the mere copy pasting, the immorality, the originality, the contradictions. Everything.... the latter is the reason I made this account. To clarify all the contradictions (specifically internal ones). Also to meet you all
I wish muslims would realise this........I did not want
to leave Islam. I loved it very deeply. But there was just no way I could reconcile my humanity with Islam was anymore. It was very painful to leave...it feel the ground between me slipped...and it truly felt like I was drowining....
I am better now. I still believe in God. A loving, personal God.
Not the evil, immoral, primitive God of the Quran. I believe in the universe.
But I understand......these things are inherently unknowable. They are ungraspable. They are out of my reach. So there is no point worrying about it. I can accept that and move over that and not let it bother me because there is no point.
The only thing I want to focus now is being happy and kind.
I am still spiritual, and when I have to pray in front of my parents, recite some beautiful buddhist chants under my breath. <3. I believe in compassion and all. I believe in being empathetic. And being kind and understanding to everybody. And never give pain to anyone, especially the ones close to you. I believe life is about living it simply, modestly, sweetly, and happy.
. Giving is more important than getting. I believe all humans are deeply connected, to something greater perhaps..... But all we can worry and focus on is being good to each other, being forgiving, letting go of things, working hard, living free and simple and being happy no matter what. There are things I will never know or understand, I accept that. I will not let it bother me ever.
Sabba satta sukki hontu.
May all beings be well.