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 Topic: 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham

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  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #30 - November 08, 2017, 11:09 PM

    Thanks Q, though I perhaps shouldn't give the impression that I'm packing my bags and ready to leave, though I wish I could if I had a viable, stable plan.
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #31 - November 08, 2017, 11:30 PM

    Become a prostitute?

    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #32 - November 08, 2017, 11:41 PM

    Nah, I'm a skeleton. I'm too ugly, though maybe there's a market out there, I don't know.

    I was just typing up this to elaborate my last post:

    I'm penniless, I have no friends and most of my cousins are estranged through either petty disputes with my family or religion. I have a few possessions I'm fond of that I can't carry in one go but I fear will be thrown into the bin if I vacate my belongings. Most depressing aspect of today was my mentally ill mother, egging my Dad on, calling me insane too. I have far more sympathy with her.

    Pathetic thing is, the most recent argument started over my hair. Embarrassingly petty. Which isn't even overly long. Nowhere close to being shoulder length. Why does he think I should cut it? Well... Because.

    I was thinking about the graphic verbal abuse and bully tactics I've had to suffer at my old man's hands prior to the recent bursts of arguments anyway. So I just let loose today. I'm not good at being vitriolic I have to say. I made the point that much of what he's done to me in the past, to my brothers (I should've mentioned my mother, she's the one who's suffered the most) has been abuse. But oh no it's not, it's 'discipline'. Discipline to send me to Hifz class after Hifz class being smacked around by pipes, playing the old chicken and chair. But it's my fault for not saying this years ago according (though he still justifies this deranged from of religious discipline). Never mind the fact that it's obvious why, when as kids you tend to bottle things up, especially when you think you'll go to hell or you'll be dishonouring your family, especially when the old man is paying out of his pocket. He justifies the abuse despite me pointing out that I was far happier at school (and those days weren't without turmoil).

    The truth perhaps is this, he knows as much about Islam as I do. I don't contribute much to theological discussions and what is said in the Quran. He's nothing but a semi-literate egg sitting in the masjid in front of these morally superior imams, swallowing up ideas of Muslims are best, kufaars are backward. I don't have enough knowledge to challenge him or anyone having not being able to muster to the curiosity to read the Quran in English. I still have those scars of the Quran classes, having to recite words I can't fucking understand, neither my own family. Neither perhaps most Muslims.
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #33 - November 09, 2017, 02:39 AM

    Old man had the nerve to try and justify the beatings I received at the mosques and the brainwashing that went on. He said it was 'our culture' unlike the decadent gora culture of drinking. I couldn't believe what the fuck I was hearing. I can't remember if he specifically said that the beatings were part of the common culture (which he said he received also back home, which apparently makes it OK). Either way, I felt repulsed. I've had enough lately of 'our culture' and 'their culture' in the media and on the internet but to hear this kind of BS from my own Dad hit me hard.

    Quod, you said in my other piece in the Ex-Muslims blog that I'm a child of two cultures. I don't know how valid that can be if I choose to reject this narrow minded view of the world that my parents hold. I used to yearn for a 'Pakistani' identity that my fellow schoolmates were more celebratory about. The colourful clothes, the weddings. We had that too when I was young but that feels like a world away as overt religiosity took over our minds. I don't know what I can hold on to anymore. I'm barely able to speak my parents dialect, I speak entirely in English in front of my brothers and old man.
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #34 - November 09, 2017, 02:42 AM

     far away hug

    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #35 - November 09, 2017, 08:29 AM

    Quod, you said in my other piece in the Ex-Muslims blog that I'm a child of two cultures. I don't know how valid that can be if I choose to reject this narrow minded view of the world that my parents hold. I used to yearn for a 'Pakistani' identity that my fellow schoolmates were more celebratory about. The colourful clothes, the weddings. We had that too when I was young but that feels like a world away as overt religiosity took over our minds. I don't know what I can hold on to anymore. I'm barely able to speak my parents dialect, I speak entirely in English in front of my brothers and old man.

    Do you have to belong to a culture? Is there a way for you to celebrate just being an individual and be proud of that? Do you have any identities that aren't based on geography? Like 'geek' or 'hipster', etc?


    Otherwise, I'm sorry for what you're going through Ward. That is pretty harsh.
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #36 - November 09, 2017, 01:25 PM

    Quote
    Do you have to belong to a culture? Is there a way for you to celebrate just being an individual and be proud of that? Do you have any identities that aren't based on geography? Like 'geek' or 'hipster', etc?


    Maybe not. But in an age of 'my culture' vs 'their culture' and identity politics, it's hard not to get warped in that 'who am I?' soul searching. I'll call myself a recluse for now, much less cooler than a geek or hipster and perhaps more pathetic.
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #37 - November 09, 2017, 01:39 PM

    So I was dragged down to my GP/doctor today where the old man wailed about my depression and what he thinks is the cause of reading books (he has an insecurity with the Potter books in particular given how much larger they are than his precious Quran, neither of the texts he can read the fucking moron) and watching 'CDs' and listening to music, the things he tried his best to stamp out over the years. I wanted the chair to swallow me up and kill me out of embarrassment that he was wailing what were his insecurities in front of a man of education, of a noble profession who wouldn't be where he was without... books! Not that I'm not pissed off at him either as a Muslim doctor, he left my old man I think emboldened as we left his office. Somehow I don't think my old man would feel quite as brave going into a non-Muslim's surgery and rant in the same way.
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #38 - November 09, 2017, 07:39 PM

    Maybe not. But in an age of 'my culture' vs 'their culture' and identity politics, it's hard not to get warped in that 'who am I?' soul searching. I'll call myself a recluse for now, much less cooler than a geek or hipster and perhaps more pathetic.

    Or a survivor, defector, free thinker. They sound cooler. You're very hard on yourself  far away hug
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #39 - November 09, 2017, 10:42 PM

    I don't know how to not to be hard on myself. I've heard this before from teachers and mentors when they've seen I'm frustrated or angry about something. I have this rage in me that I still haven't been able to subdue over the years.

    Nothing truly inspires me, I don't think. Everything has become an effort. If certain people think I'm a burden on them, I'm glad. It's vindictive but it's the least they deserve.
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #40 - November 10, 2017, 08:28 AM

    Quote
    I don't know how to not to be hard on myself.

    It's not easy. But one thing you can do is to also be kind to yourself. Be your own best friend.

    I have two voices in my head. One if the harsh one that always makes me feel like I'll never be good enough. The other is kinda like Gandalf, full of wise words and the kindness I would expect from a dad I never had. I try listening to him more.

    When we have shitty parents, it becomes our own responsibility to be our own parents in a way. It will never be easy. But we deserve kindness too far away hug
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #41 - November 10, 2017, 12:20 PM



    Ward, sorry to hear you're in such a bad place at the moment.

    Is it possible to change doctors. (a non muslim one?) one that you can talk to?

    I know when i'm in a dark mood no amount of positivity helps. you just have to ride it through. you will get through this.

    I know you say that nothing inspires you. but when you're feeling a bit calmer try and visualise a place where you are happy and everything is going well. what do you see yourself doing in a perfect world? what would make you happy?
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #42 - November 10, 2017, 04:35 PM

    Yeah, I have been looking at changing my GP and there is one that is open to new patients, albeit several miles away. The vast majority of the surgeries where I live are really badly rated. I don't want to emphasise that I have a sudden aversion to 'Muslim doctors'. My current GP is a Tablighi Jamaat dullard (a newbie after the last one retired a couple of years ago, a fairly pleasant Pashtun doc). It's only now I've found a fairly local GP that's highly rated as months ago when I was looking for one, they were all full.
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #43 - November 11, 2017, 03:55 AM

    Hey there, Ward End, well done for standing up to your father!  Ozonedance
     Afro Really pleased - some movement out of the stagnation is good, even if it's very hard and disruptive. And I know everyone else would say the same thing, namely - please don't beat yourself up for your situation. The fact is that you've been seriously abused, and had so much humiliation and adversity, at a time when you needed love, guidance, help and support. I guess you may be one of those sensitive ('orchid' versus 'dandelion)' sorts so you're much more badly affected by abuse and neglect. A bit like me - it's taken a heroic and marathon effort to 'repair' myself.

    One book I'm reading right now that I wish I had read when it first came out, is "healing the shame that binds you", by John Bradshaw. (Physical and verbal abuse by parents will lead a  child to internalise a lot of shame). It's got lots of incredibly insightful info about how and why shaming can destroy your core self, and leave you lost and helpless. I think a lot of the confusion and pain of your questions, such as wondering about which culture you belong to, stems from that shaming abuse. (Pardon me for psychoanalysing you!)

    Actually, I think that all muslims/exmuslims should read the book - we are brought up in shame-based cultures, that stifle natural spontaneity and authenticity, and adventurousness and curiosity. The whole muslim world needs therapy, IMHO.

    And take it from this old lady - you're YOOOOUUUNG!  In my eyes you are still a baby. You can still determine your life story.



  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #44 - November 12, 2017, 10:35 PM

    Thanks spare parts. I do beat myself from time to team when I see other people who similarly don't have the most ideal of upbringings who still manage to heave themselves out of their particular situations. I've thought about that a lot and it's quite depressing. I was always a quiet, introspective kid. I always looked up to the nerds, the 'intelligent' kids. Something went horribly wrong at a time where I should've put my head down. I became more volatile (which resulted in getting myself suspended several times). Those were my formative years which I've struggled to close a chapter on and start a new beginning after all this time. Embarrassing to admit I have to say.

    It has been a relief of sorts to have let some of my steam out, even though I haven't been able articulate myself in the way I wanted given I'm still a little intimidated to face my father.
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #45 - November 13, 2017, 09:58 PM

    I don't know how to not to be hard on myself. I've heard this before from teachers and mentors when they've seen I'm frustrated or angry about something. I have this rage in me that I still haven't been able to subdue over the years.

    Nothing truly inspires me, I don't think. Everything has become an effort. If certain people think I'm a burden on them, I'm glad. It's vindictive but it's the least they deserve.


    Ward_End I'm glad that you're still posting on here. It's been nearly a year since my previous response. I hope you are doing well but I know that life can get hard.

    I have always thought long walks, calming music and good food can make a miserable day better. Remember to take care of your self, taking each day and each issue step by step. We all have our weaknesses so there's no shame in accepting that.

    I hope you are planning to keep yourself busy, education or work? I know it's stressful sometimes but try to use your time wisely to plan and prepare for your life ahead. I'm sure you will be able to succeed with some support. We are here for you too. I've made a massive change in my life and I can only say from experience that planning is essential. Especially for ex Muslims.

    Keep posting and perhaps we can support your future in some way or another.
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #46 - November 14, 2017, 01:34 AM

    I'd echo what BreakerofVows just wrote - take good care of yourself. If you're interested, google "self-soothe DBT" (dialectical behaviour therapy) - for finding very effective ways to calming and de-stressing yourself.

    And just a thought - hope I'm not being cheeky here - have you ever considered the possibility that you may have Asperger's - high functioning autism? I mention that because I'm aware of this condition through personal experience, and a few things you wrote about sort of rang a bell with me. Cos if you have it, then maybe some of the 'usual' solutions wouldn't be as effective, and need to approach things a bit differently.

    Anyhow, you sound like you have a lot of potential, and you're obviously very smart. I hope things work out for you, and we're all supporting you here.  far away hug Keep us posted on how you get on.
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #47 - November 14, 2017, 08:01 PM

    Yo Ward_End, don't beat yourself up mate. It seems like a lot has been building up over the years, and is starting to bubble over now especially with regards to your father. I hope you can find a way to let it not bring you down too much. Cheers mate, and keep us updated.  far away hug

    how fuck works without shit??


    Let's Play Chess!

    harakaat, friend, RIP
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #48 - November 15, 2017, 04:05 PM

    Thanks spare parts. I do beat myself from time to team when I see other people who similarly don't have the most ideal of upbringings who still manage to heave themselves out of their particular situations. I've thought about that a lot and it's quite depressing. I was always a quiet, introspective kid. I always looked up to the nerds, the 'intelligent' kids. Something went horribly wrong at a time where I should've put my head down. I became more volatile (which resulted in getting myself suspended several times). Those were my formative years which I've struggled to close a chapter on and start a new beginning after all this time. Embarrassing to admit I have to say.

    It has been a relief of sorts to have let some of my steam out, even though I haven't been able articulate myself in the way I wanted given I'm still a little intimidated to face my father.

    You don't know the individual details of these situations that allowed those people to become free. Under slightly different circumstances like yours, maybe they would have gone down your route. You cant possibly know. And it's irrelevant, don't compare yourself to others. This is your life, and that's all that matters.

    In any case, it sounds like you are currently coming to terms with a lot of things. You have a long journey ahead of you, but from what I've read from your posts you are a fighter. Nobody is a fighter through choice, but we respect ourselves enough to understand when things just aren't right.
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #49 - November 18, 2017, 10:48 AM

    Ward_End I'm glad that you're still posting on here. It's been nearly a year since my previous response. I hope you are doing well but I know that life can get hard.

    I have always thought long walks, calming music and good food can make a miserable day better. Remember to take care of your self, taking each day and each issue step by step. We all have our weaknesses so there's no shame in accepting that.

    I hope you are planning to keep yourself busy, education or work? I know it's stressful sometimes but try to use your time wisely to plan and prepare for your life ahead. I'm sure you will be able to succeed with some support. We are here for you too. I've made a massive change in my life and I can only say from experience that planning is essential. Especially for ex Muslims.

    Keep posting and perhaps we can support your future in some way or another.


    I have found work recently after many months unemployed. I've never been the greatest planner if I'm honest which is part of the reason why I'm still so static in my life. I was hoping to see a therapist some time ago. It only takes a slight disappointment for me to give up. One of them was supposed to get back to me but they didn't and I just couldn't motivate to chase them up so I reverted back to my old state. I'm hoping to be more resilient now, especially when the money comes in.

    I don't like walking and that dislike comes from the fact that my dad keeps urging me to do this. 'Stop looking so sad, stop being so depressed and go out, it will make everything better along with praying'. So I'm quite stubborn to not take his advice even if part of it might be helpful.

    Thanks for the warm words in general. I'm trying to take things step by step in my life whereas before, I had grand ideas and tried to do too many things at the same time which would end up in failure.
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #50 - November 18, 2017, 10:57 AM

    I'd echo what BreakerofVows just wrote - take good care of yourself. If you're interested, google "self-soothe DBT" (dialectical behaviour therapy) - for finding very effective ways to calming and de-stressing yourself.

    And just a thought - hope I'm not being cheeky here - have you ever considered the possibility that you may have Asperger's - high functioning autism? I mention that because I'm aware of this condition through personal experience, and a few things you wrote about sort of rang a bell with me. Cos if you have it, then maybe some of the 'usual' solutions wouldn't be as effective, and need to approach things a bit differently.

    Anyhow, you sound like you have a lot of potential, and you're obviously very smart. I hope things work out for you, and we're all supporting you here.  far away hug Keep us posted on how you get on.



    Autism? Not really. I have to admit, I have very little knowledge on the subject. But I always attributed my reclusiveness to a general sense of social anxiety.

    But I don't think I'm smart, not intellectually or emotionally. Otherwise I won't be where I am. Not that I would concede that I'm 'dumb' or anything lol, but I'm just not a resilient person. Though I do take yours and other people's words of encouragement on board.
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #51 - November 18, 2017, 10:59 AM

    Thanks asbie and PeruvianSkies  Afro
  • 25 year old ex Muslim from Birmingham
     Reply #52 - Yesterday at 06:17 PM

    Hi,
    I´m not an Ex-Muslim but I can kind of relate to your story. It is terrible what your father has done to you and I really hope that God forgives him for how he has mistreated you. I´d like to actually know and understand your situation a little better and maybe I can actually help you. Sometimes talking to a complete stranger can be very helpful, especially if they can relate to your situation.
    I´m new to this site so I don´t really lnow how this works but I just made and account so i could get in touch with you and maybe help you.  Smiley
    If you want you can maybe reply.
    Looking forward to your message
    Byee Smiley
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