I am an agnostic muslim - Struggling with guilt - Advice would be appreciated
OP - September 06, 2016, 11:47 AM
Hi All,
First time poster (obviously) - but definitely not a troll. This is bit of a mind dump - but I really would appreciate any person reading and advising. What you will find, is a sincere gushing of thoughts - What lead me from being a devout muslim, to an agnostic?
My deal:
I'm 44, and I've always been religious and reasonably moderate - No drinking, eat Halal - Fell in love with a muslim girl at college and we got married some time later - No sex before marriage.
At uni, we both got into Islam strong (after my dad passed away) - and we've both kept within the minimal limits of following 5 pillars - but not fanatic (no beard / Hijab) - We've always been respectful of other religions and cultures. I've always seen it as a strong Muslim, and strong British person totally compatible
I have always been grateful for being a muslim - I found it generally made me a better person (trying not to lie, to steal, etc) - I have never had a desire to drink, and personally see it as a mind altering drug.
Anyway - it all started a few years a go, when I read Lesley Hazleton's book about the Sunni Shia split. She was very respectful of Islam, but also quite balanced in the accounts of what happened. Basically there's a picture of the Prophet dying, and almost immediately there's a power vacuum. Some people acting honourably, some people acting like politicians and so the history of post prophet Islam begins. The part that really hit me was the battle of the camel
Google: Wiki Battle_of_the_Camel
In essence, thousands of muslims die in a civil war - Started by Aisha, avenging the death of Uthman - Absolutely ludicrous, and contradicting so many good things that I learnt from Islam. I'll paraphrase a few below
"The death of one innocent is worthy of the death of mankind"
"The destruction of the Kabaa would be less significant than the death of an innocent muslim"
"The prophet's companions were the greatest amongst us - we should follow their examples"
Anyhow since reading that book, the whole thing started to unravel - There was no divine plan - the history of Islam is as messed up as the history of Christianity - History is written by the winners
Then I hit upon this thread
Google: quota Why-havent-we-seen-any-more-prophets-in-the-last-1400-years
Basically pointing out that technically there HAVE been prophets after Muhammad (5 million Bahai's, 15 million Mormons) - It's just a matter of perspective, and being brave enough to be impartial about it. - Again - history is written by the winners.
Oh, and then there's cosmology - My first year thesis at University I wrote about the proof of the big bang, and how that marries the concept of God and science (Basically - where did that energy come from for the singularity?) - That always made my faith stronger. But since then, I've learnt about the event horizon, and we're probably part of a multiverse - and there's no way to prove that as we're not able to observe beyond our universe - due to Physics!!!.
So this is where I end up - God, that created a multiverse (which is mind bogglingly massive) - God's last explicit communication with humanity was with a 40+ year old man, 1400+ years ago. And this was through a series of amazing and insightful poems - which were compiled after the Prophet's death into a single document..... That's it. Nothing more since then - despite the billions of births, deaths and evolution of mankind and technology.
... And the final piece of the puzzle - The internet .....
When I was younger, the Quran was this mysterious book with all the answers to life the universe and everything - directly from God's word! You could believe that.. Because we lived in a world where all information was in books, and you had to go to the library to do research, using 10 volume encyclopaedias. Learning about different cultures was an exotic and rare experience, usually involving lots of money and travel.
The post-internet world has changed it all - Now we KNOW that humans are humans wherever you go - and in MOST cases, they follow the path that their culture has laid out for them - They believe what their culture has told them. But at the heart of it, we all want to love, live and be happy - Muslim, Sikh, Jew, Hindu, Agnostic, Atheist - whoever
Some people are kind, some people are mean, some people are selfish, some people are generous. Some people are child abusers, some people are rapists - Doesn't really matter what religion, or culture - people are people. The internet has shown us this!
So, where Am I now?
I am agnostic (you can't prove or disprove God)
I believe that the prophet was an exceptionally intelligent man that changed the world - and wanted to create a good system to better humanity - But I can say the same about Ghandi, Steve Jobs, Elon Musk. There are always exceptional people in every generation.
I believe that Quranic Islam's intention is of a peaceful moral and good force in the world.
I respect Islam, as I respect other religions.
I don't want to drink...... and I don't want to eat Haraam
So I would class myself a cultural Muslim.
So What's my problem?
I have a wife - Whom I dearly love. When we met 24 years ago, we always felt that being muslim defines us. And she has always been encouraged when we pray together. I have told her about my lack of faith and she has told me that she still respects and loves me - We've had a stressful year and she does't want me to overthink it. However - I feel like i've broken the contract with her - I feel like I've let her down.
I have 5 year old twins - I want them to be muslim - I want them to benefit from the magic of Ramadan - fasting - The magic of Eid, the magic of believing in god and having Imaan. The pleasure of an Islamic community - It's all a beautiful thing, and I look back on all of that with love.
My problem... I just don't believe it's divinely ordained - I am agnostic about God - I believe there's something more than us - but that's more of a physics problem - But I don't believe that Prophet Muhammad recited the word of God in the literal sense that muslims are supposed to believe. But I believe his intentions were good - to create a movement to help mankind.
I am sad that I don't have Imaan - I always felt very blessed for having imaan... and I had it strong.... I just don't believe it anymore. Like George Carlin said (paraphrase) "The chance of your prayers working, are roughly the same whether you pray to God or Joe Pesci.. about 50 / 50" - and if I'm honest, that's kinda correct.
What do I do?
Topic: I am an agnostic muslim - Struggling with guilt - Advice would be appreciated