I am no longer a Muslim

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- SetMeFree
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I am no longer a Muslim
OP - August 04, 2016, 02:02 AM

Finally I can say I am an ex Muslim. I realised today that I don't believe in Islam at all anymore, no part of it. And it's not enough for me anymore to just pick and choose the pleasant bits. I think I hate religion and I need to renounce it. I don't want to be identified as a Muslim and it actually hurts that I have to represent Islam with the hijab. I went out a couple of times without it this week and I was so scared leaving the house, I was literally trembling. But I had the strength to do it even if it took me a year - before I would have panic attacks and not be able to open the door. Then I'd just put my hijab back on and feel safe even though it was killing my soul. It was amazing though once I got away from where I live - just feeling the air in my hair and on my scalp and my ears. It was so overwhelming, I thought I was going to burst into tears right there on the street.

This is a very strange feeling. On one hand I feel liberated and free of the shackles of faith but on the other hand I feel trapped because I can't be open about who I am now. Maybe even more trapped now than when I was Muslim because now I know the truth. I'm lucky that I don't live with my family but they do live nearby so it's only a matter of time before I get caught without a hijab. I'll always wear it when I visit them and keep one around my neck when I go out as a precaution. I've always worn it since my childhood, no one has ever seen me without it. I have quite a few muslim colleagues so I have to still pray at work and I know if I was to go in without my hijab they would be shocked. So I've decided to leave my job even though it's an amazing job, I just can't pretend that much anymore. I have PTSD and depression and it's just too much to deal with. Even with these worries this is the first time in a long time I am excited about my future. I just hope my fears and shame will start to go away soon.
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Reply #1 - August 04, 2016, 10:16 AM

Hello SetMeFree

I am an ex muslim male who is living in the closet. I have a very practicing Hijab wearing wife, and a fairly religious family.

I would say don't made any drastic decisions or leave you job just yet.

I understand what you are going through. Every day I say go along with my wife's view of the world because I dont want to hurt her, im still working on my long term plan, but i have young kids to consider.

But enough about me
I don't know if you were looking for advice and I dont know if this advice is relevant if you have
PTSD, but there must be a different way.
If you already have a job and live on your own, you are already half way there.

long term you cant survive with everything bottled up. So you need to focus on getting to the next stage of your life.

First things first, start making yourself less religious. you might think it inconceivable that you could walk about in your community without a Hijab, but people get used to things quicker than you think.

One day just go out without it, when your family ask you why you are not wearing it,
dont get confrontational, do not try to justify yourself, your family will wear you down in an Islam based argument very fast,

just say, your imam is feeling weak, and laught it off and may allah guide you
or even better just say in a light hearted way, that you wanted to see what it was like, and laugh

You will need to listen to people moan at you about hijab for a while, but they will get used to it. Just joke it off when they ask you about it. I have tried the path of finding Islamic justifications for my non islamic behaviour, and its exhausting.

Overtime once they get used to seeing your hair, wear a tighter top, nothing too extreme, or one with short sleeves, or three quarter trousers. When they ask you about your clothes, just say in a jokey way, I thought it looked cute. Just act like you didn't even realise it might be unislamic

At work start missing some Salah because you have a meeting or lots of work
then over time just stop reading, you may have some people ask you about it at first, but then they will just get used to it and people will leave you alone.

Start finding friends who understand you.

I hope you find something helpful in my reply

A perfectly just God who sentences his imperfect creation to infinite punishment for finite sins is impossible
- SetMeFree
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Reply #2 - August 04, 2016, 12:52 PM

Hello aside

I really don't think I could just turn up to my family without hijab. Every female in my family wears it even my young nieces who also go to Islamic schools. They wear the full burqa and my mother already sees me as a deviant for only wearing the hijab. It isn't something I could do in a lighthearted way, she just wouldn't see it like that.

Just to test her reaction I said to her I sometimes think of not wearing hijab. She immediately told me how shameful that would be and that I am bad for thinking this way. She also said that I was to blame for the traumatic things I went through in my life because of being 'bad'. She always uses that word instead of just saying the dirty things that go on in her head. I wouldn't be welcome in the home at all if I turned up in revealing clothes.

I think I could do what you suggested with salah at work, I am less afraid of colleagues than my family. I'm so exhausted, it's so hard with PTSD and depression, I feel like I'm pushing my mind and body to breaking point. I need to work to be able to afford to keep my place but I also need a break from everything. The last thing I want is to have to rely on my family again because then I will lose the freedom I've worked so hard for. I can be impulsive when my mood is going up and down, I am scared of doing something I'll regret.

I'm such an anxious person, I don't even know how to make new friends. I was thinking of telling a couple of my religious friends and seeing what happens. Do any of your Muslim friends know?
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Reply #3 - August 04, 2016, 01:30 PM

nobody knows. Im in my late 30's and virtually all of my friends are Muslim. I feel a bit old to come out, but i feel annoyed at being silenced by islam but i think thats the topic for a different post.

Im lucky enough that im totally financially independent, and dont need to answer to anyone about my faith. My mother used to constantly go on at me for not praying, After a while i told her she needs to change the record, and ill pray when im ready. She mostly just prays for me now

My biggest issue is the fact that I have a religious wife and a young family and im not sure if i can tell them.

when i was younger i used to have a beard, i grew it from when i started growing hair. So when i was twenty i had a beard and had never shaved. Then I decided to shave it off. everyone freaked out. My mother told me her legs were shaking, the next door neighbour told me I was a leader who had fallen. A Guy who went to the mosque came up to me and slapped me.

But after all the commotion was over, everyone just carried on with their lives. People got used to me not having a beard.

You need to think long term. I think if you snap and then come out, your relationship with your family will probably be over for every. Plan long term

so start with work, no one will care, honestly, and if they do, who cares. And if you can do it without your family finding out, go out for a drink with your work collegues. Atleast then you will have a place where you can be yourself.

if you are sure your family wont do something stupid like hurt you, or force you to marry some religious guy, then
I still think the best idea with your family is going less religious. you might have to put up with a big freak out, crying, drama, but once the dust settles, you will be in a better world.

A perfectly just God who sentences his imperfect creation to infinite punishment for finite sins is impossible
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Reply #4 - August 04, 2016, 01:33 PM

Oh, i forgot to say

I tried to tell my wife once, and she puked up, and starting freaking out. I bottled it, and changed my story.
I don't think Muslim friends would understand unless they are really liberal.

Its not easy.

A perfectly just God who sentences his imperfect creation to infinite punishment for finite sins is impossible
- SetMeFree
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Reply #5 - August 04, 2016, 02:54 PM

That's not old, you could have another 50 years to live, are you giving up already? I'm sad to hear your story, I used to be very naive and think that love conquered all. But people love a cruel god and pervert prophet more than their own partner and children. Have you tried showing them the truth about Islam just like in a conversation, without telling them you're an unbeliever?

I think a hijab is very different from a beard. There is something very sexual about hijab and when you take it off its like you've suddenly lost your morals and become dirty. When a man shaves his beard off I don't think he's judged in that way. But I do understand what you mean about becoming less religious, I need to be careful and do it slowly because last thing I want is to lose my family.
- Hsnake
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Reply #6 - August 04, 2016, 03:27 PM

Hi Set.

Thank you for telling your story. I PM'd you before perhaps so that you can start a dialogue more privately, because find it easier that way but I am glad you choose to put it on the forum. Thank you.

Firstly about your job, please be careful about it. Like you said you don't want to lose your freedom by not being able to afford your place. Unfortunately sometimes we do have to make compromises maybe you should just be more open at work, but that being said if your town is the kind of place where word travels fast I would be weary.

In the latter case I would recommend securing another job before leaving. I also worked in an Islamic environment (although secular business-wise we didn't pray) and it took me longer than I would have liked to secure another, you just have to start looking immediately.

Think about the bigger picture, taking off your hijab is liberating but losing your income is the bigger blow. It will only add to your conditions. If you have friends to talk to or if counseling is an option I would recommend pursuing them; sometimes someone listening to you is good enough.

You are right in saying the hijab is very sexual, have you heard the candy analogy? It's terrible really. The worst thing is Muslim women I have been in relationships with have also made it a sort of sexual fetish. It's definitely a sort-of symbolic chastity belt.

Ultimately life is a long-distance run and you have to deal with your decisions until you die; life just isn't that short I'm afraid. But you also get to live life for you now! And not for some vague God or theological tenets. Pick your spots, be patient and move forward with your doubts to achieve total emotional and eventual physical liberation.

Good luck.
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Reply #7 - August 04, 2016, 06:23 PM

Lol yeh, Ive had a problem with my age for the last decade.

To be honest im ok, my life is very good, Im just trying to figure out how to manage my relationship with my wife, I keep changing my mind about telling her the truth, I would prefer to avoid all the heartache my admission of my true faith would cause.

I tried having a conversation where I questioned the authenticity of Hadith, and told my wife that I could not follow Hadith as they were not officially sanctioned by Allah in the Quran. I also told her that I could not understand Allahs justice. She listened quietly to me and became very upset. She has now closed off to me with regards to Islam, so she doesnt ask me about Islam, and quietly thinks that i have gone astray. She also doesnt listen to my opinions on Islam. So ive been shut out from a spiritual perspective. To be honest being shut out spriritually doesnt bother me too much. if my wife did not dress so modestly, i.e hijab and baggy clothes, I would be fine with our arrangement, but her insistance to identify herself as Muslim at all times kind of gets to me. But other than that ive made peace with my situation.

I have to agree that women have it much worse with the Hijab. There are no easy solutions unfortunately.
But you seem to have the right idea about trying to keep your link with your family. Life can become very isolated if you loose your family, and dont have an extended support network.

I dont know how old you are, but in the longer term try to find friends who's life doesnt revolve around Islam. Someone you can share other interests with.

Good luck with whatever you try

A perfectly just God who sentences his imperfect creation to infinite punishment for finite sins is impossible
- SetMeFree
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Reply #8 - August 06, 2016, 12:28 PM

Thank you both for your advice. I've calmed down a bit and I'm thinking about things in the long term, so I won't be doing anything drastic. Things just really get to me sometimes but at least I can say on here that I'm not Muslim even if I can't tell anyone in my life - makes me feel a little better
- Bee
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Reply #9 - August 08, 2016, 12:38 PM

I admire your braveness.

It is not true that people will not harass you at work even if most of the people there are not muslim. They might not stop it because most of the nonmuslims will not understand. The muslims are usually holy-than-thou and could do some spite. Just awful to pray and fast when you find it not valid to your life. Somthey should mind their own business and just talk about work and not your personal life. But maybe some of them will leave that workplace or you could say you were praying somewhere else. So why leave your fantastic job because of them?

For your family, you can have boundaries. I had my mother always nag me about so I would stop discussing certain topics with her. So when she would bring them up I finally told her that if she continued then I would stop visiting her. This was a boundary. For other family members, some are still nasty so I only hear from them when they want something or at family parties. I just ask them about their children, polite conversation. Just so you are not having threats of harm from your family, why make them feel bad? Some parents are worried too much about nonbelieving children going to hell.

The unreligion, only one calorie
- SetMeFree
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Reply #10 - August 10, 2016, 06:23 PM

Thanks Bee and you're right about the people at work. The non Muslims there see us all as the same, they wouldn't want to get involved. There's just a small area where we are allowed to pray so everyone always knows who is praying and who isn't. My workplace is also very male dominated and I often feel out of my depth. It doesn't matter so much really, I might get fired anyway because of how much I've been off sick.

I also tried setting boundaries with my mum and told her I won't visit anymore if she keeps pushing me so now she doesn't pester me to pray so much. But she always reminds me that she prays for me because she's worried I'm losing my mind and might be a little possessed. That's all I can do for now. The hijab will have to stay, I can't deal with the fall out mentally. I'm so depressed. I'm OK for a while and then I'm not again, I can't break the cycle. I tried drinking today for the first time to see if it would make me feel better. Bad idea. I feel awful.
- yeezevee
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Reply #11 - August 10, 2016, 07:14 PM

Quote from: SetMeFree on August 10, 2016, 06:23 PM
.............. I tried drinking today for the first time to see if it would make me feel better. Bad idea. I feel awful.

..what did you drink SetMeFree you are giving bad taste to me and my drinks .,

Drink water .. drink...wine.. drink Smirnoff (NOT VODKA).

drink Arak

drink something that makes you feel good.. and tell me its name ..address and phone number please..

with best wishes
yeezevee

Do not let silence become your legacy.. Question everything
I renounced my faith to become a kafir,
the beloved betrayed me and turned in to a Muslim
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Reply #12 - August 10, 2016, 08:35 PM

It seems you should be able to complain to the boss if other muslim workers were harrassing you, only in reality it could get you and the harasser both fired. Most employers just want workers to fix their own conflicts and do their work.

I wonder if you were making the excuse that you were going out at lunch break a few times per week and praying with a friend at a nearby place or the gym. They are not invited. So they might get used to not praying with you all the time and maybe not notice if you were praying with them or not. If you do not pray with them what do they do? Do you pray when menstruating? Tell them it is none of their business. What kind of reaction do you fear? Are they going to broadcast who prays and does not across the neighbourhood, tell your family, the whole mosque etc? So people use blackmail such as if you do that then I have this on you and I will do this. So you get something like their secret to keep against them. Play their game and win.

No point in making your parents suffer. Unless you get another job and move away. Really what is wearing a piece of cloth on your head? I knew a woman who wore her hair tucked up under a hat and wrapped a scarf around her neck. It seemed hot in summer though but was not remarkable in Canada the rest of the seasons. Why are some muslims so much about a headscarf?

Use alcohol wisely. I do not like it since it makes me ill. But it can make some people depressed.

Try to do well at work. Do you need medication for depression? Please see a doctor. You could also try to have a few interests outside of work.

The unreligion, only one calorie
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