So, yeah, hi. Helloooooo! Uhmm... how goes it with youse! *ahem ahem*
Been lurking for a while, and I thought I'd finally join this warm, knowledgeable community.
Anywhooooooo... I've been an atheist for close to five years now. I still live in a Muslim country.
I'm an undergraduate studying to become a "highly skilled" professional so I can escape this shithole. But I'm suicidally depressed. I just feel so angry at everybody around me, so I isolate myself completely from everybody and everything because almost everything they say or do is somehow guided by their moronic, racist, mysogynist, ciscentric, etc. worldviews. And I feel so humiliated having to play along. I mean I am occasionally open about some of my less popular opinions about, say, feminism and LGBT rights and shit (and oh what fun that sometimes gets me), but I never had the courage to actually declare my atheism except to a couple of friends that now live elsewhere, for (quite prudent) fear of finding myself in jail/a hospital bed, so I often find myself smiling against my will at a dumb comment about a woman in short sleeves or something then (quite rightly) blaming myself for being part of the problem.
I thought it'd get better with time, I thought if I'd learn to lead a double-life or become more out-spoken and to hell with the world or something, but I just keep sulking more and more until I'm letting people taunt me and abuse me and I don't even care, they've taken away my dignity, without even trying, and I feel it's my fault for not clinging to it hard enough, you know. There are other, braver atheists in my country, their lives are hell, but at least they're living. And I used to be such a sociable, intelligent, strong-willed person too, "gifted" they called me. And they'd certainly blame it on me leaving their wretched religion if I ever confronted them. I'm doing very poorly in my studies, and I'm considering dropping out altogether, which would mean I'd need to kiss my already far-fetched dreams of immigrating to a country where I can be myself goodbye.
Sorry for the admittedly sappy and out-of-place rant, but I just needed to vent and had nowhere to turn. Has anybody here been through something similar, especially those who grew up in a Muslim country? Does it get better?
Thanks for bearing with me! Hopefully my next contribution will be more productive!
Topic: Depressed rant