Hello all, I'm new here. I am having this urge to rant lately and luckily I found this forum which I found have warm, genuine, logical people--quite rare on the internet. I have never admitted it in any form before-- so here it goes—I think I'm an Atheist and a very hideous and guilt ridden one. My story is not heart breaking or very dramatic nor is it educative and enlightening. I just wanted to rant, so here it is.
I am 20 and from Bangladesh, a fairly moderate Islamic country, with its fair share of religious fanatics. Most Muslims around here don't really know much about Islam, and I'm pretty confident I possess a better understanding of Islam than a lot around here-- and believe me-- I don't know much.
I was born into a pretty liberal Muslim family. My father had the most Impact in my childhood. He is quite liberal and rational, and in all my early years, I never saw him pray. My mother was a "religious" person, in that she used to pray five times a day and....that was just about it. No women, even in our extended maternal family (who I am really close with) wears Hijab.
My father, a physician by profession, introduced me to the magical world of science. In my early years he'd go on and on about the Universe. By 2nd grade I knew what electrons were and how Earthquakes occurred in fairly good detail. I studied in an O/A level curriculum school till the 6th grade. I was never really exposed to Islam much, I just knew there was an Allah and he created everything. I remember when I was in grade 3/4, a guy was going on in front of me in class about how Adam was the first Human on Earth and later others were created. And it shocked me, the only words that came out my mouth was then "where were the Dinosaurs?", and he said it was in the Quran, I stopped talking. I went home and asked my father, and he said, that I should never try to relate both Science and Islam at the same time, it would confuse me. Fair enough--I never tried to confuse them again and stopped thinking about Islam. For some time at least.
While I was 13, I got into residential school---and ran into serious trouble. Students came here from all over the nation. Jumma prayers was a must here, and it is there I heard about all this discrepancies and nonsense. Most heated debate would unravel with my roommate who pretty confidently accused me of being really stupid 'cuz I thought "the Earth revolved round the sun". How can someone not know that!!!! That's freaking stupid. Apparently an Imam back in his village has said that and it is in the Quran. I've looked into it, and it is so vague, you could make up any Bullshit and it would explain that verse. My time here is when I consciously started thinking about science and Islam together--disregarding my father's advice.
Why would Men go to Jannat and have 50 beautiful 'Hoori to satisfy their lust in heaven and what would women get?? I don't know.
Our Islamic texts said---When the Quran was revealed, there was no paper. So the Arabs would memorize the verses, as the Arabs at that time had great memories.
Really?
That just screams bullshit.
And these doesn't even scratch the surface. But everyone were convinced by the oh so convenient explanation. The thing about faith is, you already know the answer. You just have to make up crap to explain the story.
After graduating high school, (been about 2 years) I rented an apartment with one of my best friends from school. He's very intelligent and shares the same passion for science. Hence it came as a huge shock when he suddenly found an avid interest in "Illuminati conspiracy theories" and tried to force me to watch “The Arrival ". The concept absolutely disgusted me and I felt my beliefs threatened. Slowly I started reading threads on online forums and realized, I definitely wasn't a Muslim.
I never truly grasped the concept of afterlife, never. It always felt like a fairy-tale. What's the point of Heaven and Hell? Eternal happiness or damnation? Doesn't make sense to me.
To most in this country being Muslim is-- Five times Prayer, No pork, No Drinking, Sawm, no fornication and a pretty healthy hatred towards atheists. They would do almost the same things as a non-believer but somehow if anybody claims he’s an atheist, all hell would break loose.
Presently I have a normal relationship with my family. But some of them suspect that may be I’m veering away from Islam. My aunt insinuates from time to time that I might be atheist. I believe if they find out they wouldn’t do anything drastic, but a full blown “Islamisation” campaign would follow. I just want to be left alone
, and might never tell them. If I ever leave the country, which is probable, I guess I might consider telling.
My father has been praying 5 times a day for the last few years. But even now from time to time he points out the discrepancies of Islam and then gets quiet. I have a feeling that he doesn’t really find Islam rational, but is too scared of Hell. I guess as brilliantly pointed out by ― Friedrich Nietzsche
“What was silent in the father speaks in the son, and often I found in the son the unveiled secret of the father.”
is true in our case. Anyway sorry for the long post, moreover English is not my native language, so pardon me for any mistakes. Thanks if you found the patience of reading this elaborate rant. Cheers.
Topic: Never really a Muslim