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 Topic: 27 year old virgin

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  • 27 year old virgin
     OP - November 30, 2014, 06:53 AM
    Hi everyone,

    I'm quite new to the forum and the whole apostasy thing in general.

    Lately, I've been thinking of all the opportunities I've missed in life because of religion. There are things that don't interest me such as drinking alcohol or eating pork, so no worries there. But there are other things- mostly of a sexual nature- that bug me. As a religious hijabi, I never thought of having sex with a guy I was not married to. Saving myself made complete sense. But now it just feels like a weight around my neck.

    I haven't ever even kissed a guy, as there was no way I was ever going to go out and 'pull'. I think 27 years old is a bit too old for such antics and wonder where to even start. I feel quite awkward of my lack of life experience in this.

    I don't want to wait until marriage any more, because what's the point? At the same time I don't want to just have casual sex after all this time. I need to find someone who is serious about me, willing to take it slow and understanding of the situation. Which I think will be difficult with guys my age, who don't expect to find this much inexperience in an older woman.

    I know that I will really regret it if I give it up to the wrong person after all these years. Then again, I don't want to hit the big 30 and still be in this situation.

    Anyway, very confusing for me, as you can tell. I was wondering if anyone has had a similar experience after a late apostasy and just felt out of their depth with social norms.
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #1 - November 30, 2014, 11:34 AM
    Hi. It's not all about age or experience. It's about how comfortable you are with the person and with having sex. Even women who are expereienced, if they are uncomfortable with having sex then we can tell.

    How to start? Make some male friends and get to know them. There are plenty of guys here you can start a conversation with. Start with getting to know 'the other' and as your confidence with conversation develops minus the guilt of talking to non-mahram this will then increase your confidence with perhaps asking a guy out and determining which guy it is you wish to pursue a relationship with.

    Above all remember that:

    You are a mature woman.
    You are intelligent.
    You are beautiful.
    You deserve to be happy.
    You are more free now than you've ever been.

    The unicorn approves.

    No free mixing of the sexes is permitted on these forums or via PM or the various chat groups that are operating.

    Women must write modestly and all men must lower their case.

    http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?425649-Have-some-Hayaa-%28modesty-shame%29-people!
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #2 - November 30, 2014, 01:03 PM
    Thanks a lot Jedi for the lovely reply!

    I do have male friends, but sadly they all know me as me. The religious Muslim girl who would never go there. That's who I am now to people, so I feel like all the males I know can never see me in that way. I feel that I can never be 'sexual' because of this weight I've carried for so long. I also find it hard to make new friends, since I am cocooned into my friendship group- though I do love them and luckily none are Muslim.

    I guess something I am also trying to do is change my image without being completely shocking to my friends. I would feel really embarrassed to emerge one day as this flirtatious, non-hijabi sexbomb  Cheesy No that's just an exaggeration! But it feels strange, being the 'moral' one of the group for so many years. I really hate that label and don't think it's truly me.

    I'm looking to move city in the next year for a job and I'm really hoping to redefine myself. I've become very lax with the hijab now, don't wear it all the time, wear it very 'loosely' if I do, but hope to get rid of it completely by then. It's funny because it feel like I'm conforming to what people expect of me, but they aren't even Muslims or family. My family live miles away and while I am close to them, their opinions have almost no bearing on my life due to the distance.

    I'm thinking of coming off Facebook for a few years while I basically undergo a metamorphosis of some kind! I just want to live my life, but without all the probing, prying, questioning and challenging I feel I will encounter.

    I think it is unfortunate it took me so long to figure it out. It feels like I'm really lost in terms of my identity and having a (rather early) mid-life crisis!
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #3 - November 30, 2014, 01:10 PM
    You're emtitled to make this change and do it slowly.

    I'm actually pelase to hear that someone is taking a mature approach to this as some ex-Muslims may think it's good to rebel and take it too far as if they're trying to make a point. Take your time and take it easy - do what you're doing.

    Sex does get boring after a while anyway. I'm glad you're taking time out to rediscover yourself. That's the most important thing.

    Lovely meeting you!
    No free mixing of the sexes is permitted on these forums or via PM or the various chat groups that are operating.

    Women must write modestly and all men must lower their case.

    http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?425649-Have-some-Hayaa-%28modesty-shame%29-people!
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #4 - November 30, 2014, 01:42 PM
     parrot Welcome!
    I just want to say that I had a friend who was in your situation, as far as the inexperience goes. She was twenty nine, and not Muslim. She joined a classy matchmaking agency (think hefty fees) so she could find someone suited to her, but her goal was marriage. Anyway, it worked.
    So I don't tell you this so that you will go out and join some matchmaking agency, I tell you this so that you know that it is not a terribly unique situation. There are tons of ways to approach this, but it sounds as though you are still in transition. As hard as it seems to be, I would advise you to wait until you feel secure in your new identity before you start dating.
    There are many ways to date without involving the club or bar scenes. Don't worry.
    You might want to open up to your nonMuslim friends about your change of belief. The pressure you feel to conform to their perception of you will ease when you change that perception.
    You could use their support, right? You have mine.
    Don't let Hitler have the street.
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #5 - November 30, 2014, 01:58 PM
    Hi in_november. Welcome to the forum, and have a rabbit!  bunny

    The whole virginity thing isn't that big of a deal, honestly. I have pretty much the same experience, of thinking myself way too old for this shit at age 26, but luckily found myself a very understanding and wonderful girl. I think you can do the same, you just need to let go of anxiety surrounding the whole situation.
    Quote from: yeezevee on February 11, 2016, 02:05 PM
    how fuck works without shit??


    Let's Play Chess!

    harakaat, friend, RIP
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #6 - November 30, 2014, 02:21 PM
    If you meet a guy you click with on a mental level, he won't care about your lack of experience and he'll be understanding. Not all guys are selfish that way !

    There's alot of stuff I hadn't experienced when I reached that age not to long ago. In doesn't make you any less of a human being  Smiley Might sound corny but what really matters is if you've been a good person and not intentionally caused harm to others.
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #7 - November 30, 2014, 02:49 PM
    Just wanted to chime in and say that being a virgin at 27 is really no big a deal. I was 26 the first time I ever kissed a man  Wink
    He's no friend to the friendless
    And he's the mother of grief
    There's only sorrow for tomorrow
    Surely life is too brief
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #8 - November 30, 2014, 02:59 PM
    Never wanted to to eat pork?

    I'd rather forego sex than bacon.
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #9 - November 30, 2014, 03:24 PM
    Thanks everyone! Glad to be here!


    I've come around to the fact that I might not get married to the one I lose my virginity to and I'm ok with that. I'm just hoping that it is a meaningful relationship that I can look back on without complete regret.

    It's good to know that others have been there and haven't had issues. I'm not used to being 'inexperienced' at things, I suppose. The fact that I have less knowledge of this than most teenagers seems a bit crazy to me. Also I'm quite mature in most things, but worry that I'm going to behave like an adolescent when it comes to relationships/sex.

    LOL Rob. I'm actually not a big meat eater and have actually considered going vegetarian one day- though I don't know if I could give up fish! My vices are more of the chocolate/ice cream type!

  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #10 - November 30, 2014, 03:32 PM
    I actually really do hope that you behave like an adolescent regarding sex and relationships, because that is how people learn. I know a great number of people who married their high school sweethearts, so adolescents are really not much any better or worse than adults are at creating decent relationships. In my opinion. It's about your values and emotional maturity, as well as that of your partner.
    Don't let Hitler have the street.
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #11 - November 30, 2014, 04:28 PM
    Quote from: Naerys on November 30, 2014, 02:49 PM
    Just wanted to chime in and say that being a virgin at 27 is really no big a deal. I was 26 the first time I ever kissed a man  Wink

     

    Plus we're exmuslims so we can't really compare our sexual experience with that of regular never muslim people.

    In my opinion a life without curiosity is not a life worth living
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #12 - November 30, 2014, 04:52 PM
    I'm a never-moose from the land of bacon, beers and boobs brought up in a liberal atheist family and a society where sex was everywhere and I didn't have sex until I was 28. And haven't had it since I was 30. I'm 42 now.

    Now you can compare Tongue
    Danish Never-Moose adopted by the kind people on the CEMB-forum
    Ex-Muslim chat (Unaffliated with CEMB). Safari users: Use "#ex-muslims" as the channel name. CEMB chat thread.
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #13 - November 30, 2014, 04:53 PM
    Virginity is way too overrated. It has no value to it whatsoever. It's just part of the usual female subjugation and control over female sexuality. When it comes to women, we have to "protect" it and give it to someone "special". Who the fuck is special? Nobody is "special", everyone are "special". It all depends on who you like and are attracted to in that moment when you're feeling horny. Men on the other hand, the sooner they get rid of it the better. Good job, you're finally a man. You got experience with the women. Fuck that shit. Stop putting value in "virginity" where it doesn't belong. I was a virgin when I got married, it gave me nothing. I was not happier because of it. It didn't make me feel better about myself because I "saved it" or gave it to someone "special" (in my case, my husband).

    Once I got rid of these ideas about virginity and sexuality, I am way more comfortable with myself, my body, my sexuality, and the fact that the person I'm having sex with doesn't have to be "that special". Because seriously, how do we define "special enough". It doesn't mean we have to jump in bed with strangers in a one night stand, but we don't have to date a person for a year and all other emotional bullshit (sorry for being so cynical). Let me tell you this, I also had these lingering feelings that the other person has to "understand me" and whatnot. It ended up not being like that at all, nor was it necessary. It doesn't have to be so dramatized.

    Go be flirty with men, show your personality and who you are. There are plenty of people out there who will be mesmerized by you. Live your life and don't build walls around you. Finding someone you like and the occasion for intimacy will present itself naturally eventually.
    "The healthiest people I know are those who are the first to label themselves fucked up." - three
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #14 - November 30, 2014, 06:39 PM
     Cheesy She talks sense. Afro
    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #15 - November 30, 2014, 07:07 PM
    Oh and about this:

    Quote
    I need to find someone who is serious about me, willing to take it slow and understanding of the situation. Which I think will be difficult with guys my age, who don't expect to find this much inexperience in an older woman.

    Sex is supposed to be fun. What this means is that you should not take it too seriously. If you're not the world's greatest lover in the first ten minutes this is not a big deal, as long as you don't take it too seriously. Just go with the flow, experiment with anything you feel like experimenting with, and don't get talked into experimenting with anything you don't feel like experimenting with. Any bloke that can't handle this is an idiot anyway.

    Remember to laugh at the funny bits. There will be some.
    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #16 - November 30, 2014, 07:23 PM
    ^ The bit between the legs? Talking from experience Os?  Cheesy
    No free mixing of the sexes is permitted on these forums or via PM or the various chat groups that are operating.

    Women must write modestly and all men must lower their case.

    http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?425649-Have-some-Hayaa-%28modesty-shame%29-people!
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #17 - November 30, 2014, 07:29 PM
     grin12 I refuse to comment on the grounds that it may incriminate me.
    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #18 - November 30, 2014, 07:53 PM
    Osmanthus, at least someone is interested in your sex life... whats the problem?

    Ontopic: as said before, get to know other people. As for your friends, you don't have to tell them, show them. (Not that you have to wear lingerie and chill with them tho)  Cheesy or tell them indirectly, give them signs. Or talk about morals and that your ideas have changed on some things. Telling them you don't give a sh*t about virginity doesn't make you a sexbomb...

    If I could tell my best friend (who is a die hard muslim) I am an atheist, then you can do anything (telling your friends you dont see added value in some things anymore)
    Dogs never bite me - just humans. ~ M. Monroe

    Religions seem to cause more grief than good.

    Exmuslim Chat
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #19 - December 01, 2014, 09:08 AM
    I m really a serious and kind hearted man,just 3 years older than u, f u wod like...(can,t use lovly emotions),its fun,love the fun,take it easy don't be type of oml-momeneen type of lady..LOlz
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #20 - December 01, 2014, 10:33 AM
    asadbaloch, this is a thread posted by a member asking for advice, not a dating service.
    He's no friend to the friendless
    And he's the mother of grief
    There's only sorrow for tomorrow
    Surely life is too brief
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #21 - December 01, 2014, 10:39 AM
    But he's a smooth talker, Naerys, admit it.
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #22 - December 01, 2014, 10:40 AM
    The fact that I had butterflies in my tummy while reading his post is entirely irrelevant, David!
    He's no friend to the friendless
    And he's the mother of grief
    There's only sorrow for tomorrow
    Surely life is too brief
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #23 - December 01, 2014, 03:57 PM
    Quote from: Naerys on December 01, 2014, 10:40 AM
    The fact that I had butterflies in my tummy while reading his post is entirely irrelevant, David!


    Find a good gastroenterologist. There is hope for you yet!
    Quote from: yeezevee on February 11, 2016, 02:05 PM
    how fuck works without shit??


    Let's Play Chess!

    harakaat, friend, RIP
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #24 - December 01, 2014, 05:59 PM
    Quote from: asadbaloch on December 01, 2014, 09:08 AM
    I m really a serious and kind hearted man,just 3 years older than u, f u wod like...(can,t use lovly emotions),its fun,love the fun,take it easy don't be type of oml-momeneen type of lady..LOlz


    Master Yoda's got nothing on you!
    No free mixing of the sexes is permitted on these forums or via PM or the various chat groups that are operating.

    Women must write modestly and all men must lower their case.

    http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?425649-Have-some-Hayaa-%28modesty-shame%29-people!
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #25 - December 01, 2014, 08:03 PM
    If my observations of male-female "friendships" is anything to go by, I'd say there's a very high chance that several of your male friends would very much like to get into your pants.
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #26 - December 01, 2014, 08:15 PM
    ^

    That might be true for teenagers but probably not men in their late twenties.
    In my opinion a life without curiosity is not a life worth living
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #27 - December 01, 2014, 09:09 PM
    For them too. Unless they're homosexual.
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #28 - December 01, 2014, 09:50 PM
    Quote from: Cornflower on November 30, 2014, 04:53 PM
    Virginity is way too overrated. It has no value to it whatsoever. It's just part of the usual female subjugation and control over female sexuality. When it comes to women, we have to "protect" it and give it to someone "special". Who the fuck is special? Nobody is "special", everyone are "special". It all depends on who you like and are attracted to in that moment when you're feeling horny. Men on the other hand, the sooner they get rid of it the better. Good job, you're finally a man. You got experience with the women. Fuck that shit. Stop putting value in "virginity" where it doesn't belong. I was a virgin when I got married, it gave me nothing. I was not happier because of it. It didn't make me feel better about myself because I "saved it" or gave it to someone "special" (in my case, my husband).

    Once I got rid of these ideas about virginity and sexuality, I am way more comfortable with myself, my body, my sexuality, and the fact that the person I'm having sex with doesn't have to be "that special". Because seriously, how do we define "special enough". It doesn't mean we have to jump in bed with strangers in a one night stand, but we don't have to date a person for a year and all other emotional bullshit (sorry for being so cynical). Let me tell you this, I also had these lingering feelings that the other person has to "understand me" and whatnot. It ended up not being like that at all, nor was it necessary. It doesn't have to be so dramatized.

    Go be flirty with men, show your personality and who you are. There are plenty of people out there who will be mesmerized by you. Live your life and don't build walls around you. Finding someone you like and the occasion for intimacy will present itself naturally eventually.


    I disagree with that, chastity is actually very important. You may feel like you can fuck whatever and whoever you like but that's your choice. Some of us value a chaste woman, and I think a woman who goes around flirting with a bunch of guys will not be respected as much as they'll just see her as 'easy' and maybe a 'slut'.

    Virginity does have value, ask a man who he would rather marry, a woman that is a virgin or a woman that has slept with 50 men. you know what the answer is most likely to be, the one that is chaste !

     GoodVsBad
  • 27 year old virgin
     Reply #29 - December 01, 2014, 10:03 PM
    Quote from: Kodanshi on December 01, 2014, 09:09 PM
    For them too. Unless they're homosexual.

     

    Really ?

     I wouldn't maintain a friendship with someone I'm romantically interested in.     

    But if we are talking about just sex then I guess most would be willing to help her out.
    In my opinion a life without curiosity is not a life worth living
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