People are complicated beings. Even though I hated wearing the hijab/niqab once I lost faith, still I miss it sometimes. I'm not sure exactly what I miss about it, it's just a feeling. Nostalgia perhaps, the sense of anonymity suits my personality well. But then I remember that the hijab is not something you can put on and take off as you please. The piece of cloth comes with a whole set of values and expectations. No more short dresses, no more sun nor visits to the beach. No more feeling the sun warm up your skin down to your bone. No more breeze in your face and hair.
It took me over a year to get used to the wind. It was such an unusual feeling, I had completely forgotten how it felt from my early teenage years, and it felt cold and uncomfortable. Even now, over three years after I removed my niqab, I still have the habit of looking down. My posture is a lot better, but the habit of looking down, and not even noticing my surroundings, is still in me.
"And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms, and not to reveal their adornment [...] "
I still managed to keep some of my old abayas and hijabs, somehow. It's strange, that's what I brought and didn't have the will to throw away. While I felt no attachment to none of my other belongings. Except my books. I still mourn my books