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 Topic: new ex muslim in a very strict religious household

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  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     OP - November 03, 2013, 04:23 PM
    Hey everyone. i just joined this site and this is my first post  Smiley

    i'm 17 years old, 18 very soon, from the UK. I've been questioning islam for a long time and i have finally come to the conclusion that religion is man-made and exists to oppress and control people through fear. i went to madrasa at the age of just 5 and have finished learning the quran by heart although i don't speak Arabic and had no idea what exactly i was learning about. what lead me to rebel against islam was probably my mum forcing me to read the quran EVERY DAY and forcing me to wear abaya and hijab.  for the past 2 years or so, i've been doing a lot of research and reading English translation of the the quran trying my hardest to comprehend islam because i feel extremely guilty for questioning everything but i just can't find it in me to understand the religion. I was shocked at how misogynistic, intolerant and violent some of the teachings were. when i speak to muslim girls they always talk about how they feel pride when wearing the hijab but i feel nothing but anger and frustration that i can't look pretty and dress how i want to dress. wearing the hijab and abaya is like a uniform, i feel like i have no sense of self and identity, i am unable to express who i am as a person and i feel so unfeminine. I was also circumcised as a baby and had my clitoris removed. i had no idea until few years ago when my friend and i were showing each other our privates (don't ask why) and i had discovered that i didn't have it. I was young, i went home asking my mum what had happened to me and she told me with no regret. My elder sisters were stitched together and always go through so much pain when they're menstruating and two of my sisters have had several miscarriages so my mum always tells me to shut up and be grateful that i only had my clitoris removed and wasn't stitched. but i can't get over it, i feel disgusting and i don't think i could ever have the confidence to have sex with someone. I don't even feel like a woman. I have the lowest self esteem that you could imagine. I take my hijab off sometimes when i'm going out with my friends and i feel like a different person, with confidence.  i get so many compliments when i'm not wearing a hijab and i was even crowned prom queen. maybe this is mental thing, i don't know, but i just feel so oppressed with a hijab on. I'm planning on moving out for university next year, i'm in the process of applying right now but my mum is saying that i am not allowed to move out. she said that i either have to go to a local university or i won't go to university at all. I have an elder brother who is currently working in dubai, he wants me to live with him there, he is super strict and is offering to pay my tuition fees if i go to university in dubai. He always tells me that i'm becoming too westernised so he wants to keep me under his supervision. but i don't want to go to dubai, i don't want to go to a muslim country. the thought of islam makes me angry! i don't have a problem with Muslims, i just hate the ideology of islam.  furious
    I get amazing grades even though i don't put the effort in, but to be honest i don't want to go university because i want to study and have a career like most people, i just want to go university because i could only dream of having freedom. I do want to have a good job in the future but main priority is to find happiness. I've been feeling suicidal for years but i'm just too afraid to ever go ahead with it. i always thought that when i turn 18 i'd move out and i could do whatever i want and that got me through everything but now it just seems like i'll never have freedom and i'll live my life pretending to be someone i am not.

    Sorry for rambling, any advise or comments?
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #1 - November 03, 2013, 05:29 PM
    Hi, I am relatively new, too.
    The advice I have for you is that you should plan. Be patient. Strategize. Make sure you are safe.
    As far as your plans for university, go. I think you are right about staying out of Dubai. But go. More opportunities will open for you because of it.
    More later, and welcome. My guests just arrived.
    Don't let Hitler have the street.
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #2 - November 03, 2013, 05:47 PM
    hey.

    thanks for your response. I understand that dubai is not as bas other muslim countries but i really want to go to a university here because i want to live and do crazy stuff which i can't do in a muslim country. is this bad?
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #3 - November 03, 2013, 07:26 PM
    Welcome to the forum!

    Here is our customary welcome parrot  parrot
    In my opinion a life without curiosity is not a life worth living
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #4 - November 03, 2013, 07:33 PM
    Welcome! dance
    turnipovich
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #5 - November 03, 2013, 08:06 PM
    Quote from: nousername on November 03, 2013, 04:23 PM
    but now it just seems like i'll never have freedom and i'll live my life pretending to be someone i am not.

    Did you decide to be born as a muslim? No!
    So why you are saying you will never live your life based on your beliefs? 
    Freedom is your right, nobody can take it away from you!!
    Welcome to this forum   parrot 
     Smiley
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #6 - November 03, 2013, 08:09 PM
    Quote from: nousername on November 03, 2013, 05:47 PM
    hey.

    thanks for your response. I understand that dubai is not as bas other muslim countries but i really want to go to a university here because i want to live and do crazy stuff which i can't do in a muslim country. is this bad?


    You should stay out of the Muslim countries, stay where you have human rights and citizenship. I meant I think you should go to university in your country.
    Crazy stuff is relative. What I consider crazy and your brother considers crazy are two different things. Just whatever you do, take the best care of yourself that you can. Bad is also relative. Wanting to be yourself is not bad. Wanting to beat people up for no good reason is bad.
    Just keep your head down. Being an independently minded, minor female in a Muslim family is being at risk. Make sure you know your options, and the names and numbers of any and all social service agencies that can help you. Be aware, always.
    PM me any time.
    Don't let Hitler have the street.
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #7 - November 03, 2013, 09:21 PM
    Quote from: TheDarkRebel on November 03, 2013, 07:26 PM
    Welcome to the forum!

    Here is our customary welcome parrot  parrot

    Quote from: Mia on November 03, 2013, 07:33 PM
    Welcome! dance


    thank you! everybody seems lovely on here  Smiley
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #8 - November 03, 2013, 09:24 PM
    Quote from: INcePtion on November 03, 2013, 08:06 PM
    Did you decide to be born as a muslim? No!
    So why you are saying you will never live your life based on your beliefs? 
    Freedom is your right, nobody can take it away from you!!
    Welcome to this forum   parrot 
     Smiley



    i know that but it's hard to just live life as a kufar in a muslim household  Tongue especially when they're devout. I'm just too scared of abandonment
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #9 - November 03, 2013, 09:40 PM
    I can understand how you feel about it, because our situations are "quite" similar. Dont ever let fear hold you back. The more you fear, the worse it becomes...

    Never feel alone, we are here to help each other   Wink
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #10 - November 03, 2013, 11:18 PM
    What INcePtion said Afro
    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #11 - November 04, 2013, 01:03 AM
    Quote from: nousername on November 03, 2013, 04:23 PM
    I was also circumcised as a baby and had my clitoris removed. i had no idea until few years ago when my friend and i were showing each other our privates (don't ask why) and i had discovered that i didn't have it. I was young, i went home asking my mum what had happened to me and she told me with no regret. My elder sisters were stitched together and always go through so much pain when they're menstruating and two of my sisters have had several miscarriages so my mum always tells me to shut up and be grateful that i only had my clitoris removed and wasn't stitched. but i can't get over it, i feel disgusting and i don't think i could ever have the confidence to have sex with someone. I don't even feel like a woman. I have the lowest self esteem that you could imagine. I take my hijab off sometimes when i'm going out with my friends and i feel like a different person, with confidence.  i get so many compliments when i'm not wearing a hijab and i was even crowned prom queen. maybe this is mental thing, i don't know, but i just feel so oppressed with a hijab on.


    First of all, I know this means little, but I am so sorry you had to go through something so terrible. I can't even imagine the pain you must have felt to realize what had happened to you.  far away hug

    Everybody feels differently about the hijab. If you feel oppressed in it and feel much more confident without it on, it is your right to take it off. If your mother forbids you to go to a faraway university, I am sure there are lots of groups/organizations in Britain that could help you out if you ask.

    Otherwise, all of us here will definitely be happy to lend an ear.

    Welcome to the forum  Afro
    "so now, if you leave (Allahu A?lam is you already have) what will u do??? go out and show ur body to all the men??? sleep with countless men?? maashaAllah if you think think this is freedom or womens right then may Allah guide you to that which is correct."
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #12 - November 04, 2013, 01:48 AM
    Welcome to the forum - its great to have you here  Smiley
    "we can smell traitors and country haters"


    Quote from: arX on May 01, 2011, 03:33 AM
    God is Love.
    Love is Blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God.

  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #13 - November 04, 2013, 02:42 AM
    Greetings and salutations and welcome to the forum!
    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    The sleeper has awakened -  Dune

    Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish!
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #14 - November 04, 2013, 03:43 AM
    Go to university in England. Your parents cannot stop you going where you want. I'm sure wiser heads on here can tell you which authorities to approach if they try to strong-arm you.

    Quote from: nousername on November 03, 2013, 04:23 PM
    i don't think i could ever have the confidence to have sex with someone.

    Wait till you find someone you love and trust, perhaps at university. Take your time and talk about it first. I'm a slow starter sexually in a new relationship; things get far better as you and your partner get to know one another.

    As you relax, you'll learn your own responses. Some women get less pleasure from the clitoris than the G-spot. Sex is mainly in the head anyway, so if you're with the right person, beautiful things will happen. It's elusive, though. For everyone. Good luck, young lady.
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #15 - November 04, 2013, 04:24 AM
    ^
    Quote
    Wait till you find someone you love and trust, perhaps at university. Take your time and talk about it first. I'm a slow starter sexually in a new relationship; things get far better as you and your partner get to know one another.



    I'm still a virgin but is love really necessary before having sex?  I mean there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with two people who have a mutual physical attraction just fucking for fun right. In fact one night stands and short term flings seem to be more common in uni than relationships...

    I'm not planning on getting into a relationship anytime soon, for now I'll be content with no strings attached sex.
    In my opinion a life without curiosity is not a life worth living
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #16 - November 04, 2013, 04:49 AM
    Quote from: TheDarkRebel on November 04, 2013, 04:24 AM
    I'm still a virgin but is love really necessary before having sex?  I mean there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with two people who have a mutual physical attraction just fucking for fun right.

    No. Do whatever suits you and the person you're with.

    But if you're unsure of yourself and your body, love helps. A lot.
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #17 - November 04, 2013, 06:48 AM
    ^

    I'm not really a believer in romantic love anyway. 

    Humans are not biologically programmed to be monogamous so I think it's pointless to try to practice it but thats just me.

    In my opinion a life without curiosity is not a life worth living
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #18 - November 04, 2013, 08:38 AM
    You can have romantic love without monogamy.

    And love is the best thing that will ever happen to you. Even better than corporate finance.
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #19 - November 04, 2013, 02:04 PM
    There ain't no doubt in no ones mind that loves the finest thing around, whisper something soft and kind. And hey, babe, the sky's on fire, I'm dying, ain't I? I'm going to Carolina in my mind.
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #20 - November 04, 2013, 03:14 PM
    i just realised that i put this in the wrong section of the forum, oops lol. thank you everybody for your responses, i appreciate, it makes me feel less guilty. Does anyone have any similar stories regrading leaving home and parents refusing to let you go?i'd love to hear from people with similar experience 

    and also what drove you guys from islam? when  did you start questioning it? and will you consider marrying a muslim person? how do you planning on rising your children?
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #21 - November 04, 2013, 04:22 PM
    Quote from: David on November 04, 2013, 08:38 AM
    You can have romantic love without monogamy.

    And love is the best thing that will ever happen to you. Even better than corporate finance.

     

    Quote from: happymurtad on November 04, 2013, 02:04 PM
    There ain't no doubt in no ones mind that loves the finest thing around, whisper something soft and kind. And hey, babe, the sky's on fire, I'm dying, ain't I? I'm going to Carolina in my mind.

     

    This might sound naive but I'll ask it anyway.

      I already have close friends that I love which fulfills my emotional needs and then let's say I start having casual sex which will fulfill my sexual needs so what is the purpose of entering into a romantic relationship which will most likely end causing feelings of depression/jealousy

    Huh?

    I'm trying to understand what need a romantic relationship will fulfill that having friends and causal sex does not fulfill?


    In my opinion a life without curiosity is not a life worth living
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #22 - November 04, 2013, 05:44 PM
    You’re still young. There is still a lot left in life for you to experience. You don’t have to seek it out, but when it comes, you’ll know. And perhaps at that point you’ll look back and say “Oh, this must be what they meant.”
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #23 - November 04, 2013, 07:51 PM
     parrot

    My feelings are you should see your GP about the FGM and about feeling suicidal - ask for a referral to a psychotherapist. 

    When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.


    A.A. Milne,

    "We cannot slaughter each other out of the human impasse"
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #24 - November 04, 2013, 09:25 PM
    ^^ Ditto what moi said. The FGM has left you depressed and your GP and a therapist can help you. Do ask your GP to refer you to a psychotherapist as moi said above. Do not feel embarrassed to ask. They are there to help you.
    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    The sleeper has awakened -  Dune

    Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish!
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #25 - November 04, 2013, 10:12 PM
    Quote
    I was also circumcised as a baby and had my clitoris removed. i had no idea until few years ago when my friend and i were showing each other our privates (don't ask why) and i had discovered that i didn't have it. I was young, i went home asking my mum what had happened to me and she told me with no regret. My elder sisters were stitched together and always go through so much pain when they're menstruating and two of my sisters have had several miscarriages so my mum always tells me to shut up and be grateful that i only had my clitoris removed and wasn't stitched. but i can't get over it, i feel disgusting and i don't think i could ever have the confidence to have sex with someone.

    I'm so sorry. That was hard to read. Men that are circumcised face maybe a few problems, but I can never understand the pain that must of been to learn that. Above that all your mom coldly telling you to shut up and be grateful, is just profoundly malicious.
    I never get teary eyed reading stories but that was personally one of the saddest to read.


    Quote from: nousername on November 03, 2013, 05:47 PM
    I understand that dubai is not as bas other muslim countries but i really want to go to a university here because i want to live and do crazy stuff which i can't do in a muslim country. is this bad?

    I would say Dubai is better then most muslim countries, but I'd say you probably have more personal freedom in places like Jordan and Lebanon (depending where you are).

    Also I'd say this is quite normal especially since you live in a very strict household. I mean when I started flirting with idea that I wasn't muslim, I tried experimenting with different things just to see if Devine intervention would ever happen. As you can see it didn't. If there is a hell and god really cares for me. then he would stop me. God is either inert, apathetic, or is just evil.

    Anyway welcome to the forum Smiley
    Here is your welcome parrot  parrot
    Tell people that there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you.

    Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
    - George Carlin
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #26 - November 04, 2013, 11:10 PM
    Quote from: TheDarkRebel on November 04, 2013, 04:22 PM
    I'm trying to understand what need a romantic relationship will fulfill that having friends and causal sex does not fulfill?

    As HM has already elegantly said, you'll know it when it finds you.

    But don't go looking for it. Love is not a commodity, nor, as the younger me imagined, a tool of social control. It's a magnifier of everything - your potential, your beloved's potential, the beauty and possibilities of life and the world. A poor thing really.
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #27 - November 04, 2013, 11:13 PM
    Quote from: nousername on November 04, 2013, 03:14 PM
    and also what drove you guys from islam? when  did you start questioning it? and will you consider marrying a muslim person? how do you planning on rising your children?

    Trawl the forum. You'll find loads of stories that echo your own and many of your dilemmas discussed.
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #28 - November 05, 2013, 04:38 PM
    Quote from: Sam Brent on November 04, 2013, 10:12 PM
    I'm so sorry. That was hard to read. Men that are circumcised face maybe a few problems, but I can never understand the pain that must of been to learn that. Above that all your mom coldly telling you to shut up and be grateful, is just profoundly malicious.
    I never get teary eyed reading stories but that was personally one of the saddest to read.

    I would say Dubai is better then most muslim countries, but I'd say you probably have more personal freedom in places like Jordan and Lebanon (depending where you are).

    Also I'd say this is quite normal especially since you live in a very strict household. I mean when I started flirting with idea that I wasn't muslim, I tried experimenting with different things just to see if Devine intervention would ever happen. As you can see it didn't. If there is a hell and god really cares for me. then he would stop me. God is either inert, apathetic, or is just evil.

    Anyway welcome to the forum Smiley
    Here is your welcome parrot  parrot


    Thank you. my mum doesn't realise how doing that is effecting me now. pretty much every woman in my family has had this done and even worse things so i'm no different. we have completely different mindsets, she's extremely religious, she spends every day at a mosque. i'm so upset, i cry every single day, i'm crying as i type this. i feel like i'm mentally fucked up, i've like this for the last 2 years. i was scouted my a modelling agency when i was 14 but of course i had to decline it because it's against islam. there are so many other things that i can't do because of my mum's faith. I feel like my family's robot because they basically live my life for me and choose what i can wear and what i cannot, they get to choose who i can be friends with and when i can leave the house.

    no offense but i wouldn't want to live in any middle eastern country. i'm not arab, i don't speak arabic so i would have to adapt to completely norms and values and lifestyle
  • new ex muslim in a very strict religious household
     Reply #29 - November 05, 2013, 11:40 PM
    Quote
    no offense but i wouldn't want to live in any middle eastern country. i'm not arab, i don't speak arabic so i would have to adapt to completely norms and values and lifestyle


    I don't blame you in anyway. I don't want to either and I'm half arab.

    But anyway I could see the impact it has had on you. I know Male circumcision is pretty much as bad, but there is a reason that FGM is looked down upon these days.  If you don't mind me asking which ethnicity are you?
     far away hug
    Tell people that there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you.

    Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
    - George Carlin
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