Stepping Out of Hijab
Reply #3 - July 10, 2013, 02:04 PM
I was forced to wear hijab once. The result, i have not spoken to my own father for 6 months, never called him, never contacted him during that period.
My father was a dilligent follower of Islam. He went to mosques amost everyday (thats what muslims do when they get too old to do anything else). Whenever he comes back from the mosque, he will recite and tell my mother what he learned during the visit. It was always a one-sided conversation coz mom will never say anything back to him, knowing that he will start shouting back or worse, hit her hard on her face.
Mother seldom get hit anymore, therefore she just nods and make tea and supper when dad started the babbling about how great Islam is. Its a scene i have endured during my adolescent time, while staying under the same roof as them, before i went to boarding school a few years later.
A neighbour friend asked me to accompany her to the city one evening. I told mom, and mom said okay, i can go. Mom even offered to tell dad because she knows dad will get mad if he knows im leaving the house without him knowing. Somehow i think deep down inside, she knows we dont talk much to dad either, and most of us dont know how to communicate with him, so she offered herself.
Just before we left the house, my friend already waiting for me at the frontyard, i was walking down the stairs, and i heard dad. Shit! He's home early today, i thought. Thats it, i will never get out of the house if he's around, i told myself.
From the living room, he shouted " where are you going?" He snarls, i know this is not good. I know he will say no.
" you can go, but with one condition", he said sternly. His voice says its conviction, its not a choice, its a command.
I gaze up at him, looking confused. For one moment i was confused that he even let me go, and now he has a condition? This is not him at all, he never negotiates, especially with me.
" go back upstairs and wear a hijab. Cover your head. I dont want people from the mosque to say my daughters dont cover their heads." He says, without looking at my direction.
"Dad, please. " i choked. How could he force me like this.? My friends at school dont wear hijab, only some of them, yes, but not everyone. Even my friend waiting outside of the house doesnt wear one, why dad is being so tough in me? As if i am going to mosque or some religious place. I am just going to the city, for fuck sake!
"You want to go or not? If not, stay at home, help your mom." He said, mockingly amused. That stupid grin on his face. And i know,mif i were to open my mouth and say a word, he will change his mind, and my outing to the city is gone.
Without further hesitation, i went back inside my room, grab a white hijab, wear it, and go back down and off i go. My friend was shocked to see me and she giggled.
" he makes you do that huh?"
I nod. I cant hide the embarassment and wished she didnt hear any of it.
Before i reached the open street, while walking, i grab the hijab and take it off completely, and also my long sleeve tee, take it off and i am wearing only a simple black baby tee and jeans. I fold the hijab and long sleeve tee neatly and stuffed them into my backpack. I felt free! No one will ever force me to wear what i dont want to wear. If this is the game he wants to play, lets play this.
We had a talk, me and my friend that day, and to my suprise, she was also forced to do the same thing. Her father will hit her with a cane and lock her in her room if she refuses to wear one. I though to my self, at least i wasnt hit, i mean for that particular incident on the day.
We do live in fear, most of our lives, and trying to be free is something we look for.
But i know lying to my family is wrong. Why cant they listen to wha I have to say? Why cant they just accept me they way I am? With hijab or without hijab, i am still me, their daughter.
After that incident, i never spoke to my father. When i come back from school, i always make sure i do all the chores before he come back, then lock myself up in my room. Even during dinner, i dont talk much, eat my food, clean my plate and dissappear. We were like robots in the house. Not much happiness in the house anymore, until the point where mom fell sick and she was admitted to hospital.
Mom talked to me about dad, how depressed she was married to dad, and i can understand why. Its because of Islam. The religion that breaks us apart. We are living in fear all the time, fear of getting hit, fear of getting bashed and bruised and that threat comes from our own father, who supposed to protect us, love us and cherish us. Until today i wonder, did Mom ever fell in love with dad? I never knew, coz she died a few years after that while i was in boarding school.
Say NO to Islam. its killing you. It doesnt love you!
Write for yourself