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 Topic: Stepping Out of Hijab

 (Read 15315 times)
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  • Stepping Out of Hijab
     OP - July 09, 2013, 09:32 AM

    Stepping Out of Hijab

    by Luthiel

    Many here have said they wouldn't want to wear any form of hijab, no matter how mild, because of how it blatantly associates the wearer with Islam. I agree. As I was working through my doubts before actually leaving Islam, this was one of the things I struggled with. The hijab had hijacked my identity. I wanted to be seen as a woman with my own personality and from my own culture. Instead, I often felt dismissed as an obedient Arab Muslim girl. I was tired of forfeiting my outwardly apparent identity, and began leaning heavily toward wanting to remove my hijab. Having been living in an Islamic country at the time, though, I couldn't have removed it without making serious waves at work and within my social circle.

    I was still living there when I finally did leave Islam. At that point, I didn't dare remove it. I feared it would have meant not only losing my social circle, but risking my freedom and possibly my life if it led to the people around me discovering the truth about my apostasy. And so I continued to wear it for the longest four months of my life until I was able to leave the country.

    A few weeks before I was to leave, I was contemplating how and when, if ever, I would tell my closest Muslim friends that I could no longer believe. I decided I could do a test run to see how they would react by admitting that I had thoughts of removing the hijab. Just as I suspected, they reacted with pretty much an intervention, and begged me to reconsider. One friend hastily forwarded a few links about hijab in an attempt to convince me it was obligatory. In her haste, she didn't realize one of the links she sent me actually argued against the necessity of hijab. When I pointed it out, she frantically apologized, and proceeded to fling quote after quote from Qur'an, hadith, and various scholars in an attempt to prove that hijab is required, and then bullied me into obeying with statements like, "Please remember, that any hadith is sunnah.  And we must follow the sunnah also."

    With just days left in the country, I assured them they had convinced me and I would keep the hijab. They seemed satisfied.

    On the day I finally left, I was wearing a long skirt and a thin t-shirt under a flowing black abaya with a black hijab wrapped lightly but securely around my head. I boarded the plane and sat quietly, anxiously yet nervously awaiting my stop in Amsterdam. I felt fine in my abaya and hijab. I knew by then how to wear them comfortably, so I wasn't physically bothered. But I was acutely aware of everyone who looked at me. "I'm on the plane now, I'm home free. I don't have to wear this anymore. Can they tell? Do they see the real me under these shrouds?" Because I could feel it sharply.

    As soon as I arrived in Amsterdam, I headed straight for the restroom. My palms were sweaty and my heart was racing in anticipation of what I was about to do. I was a little shaky standing in the stall as I removed each piece one at a time, folding carefully so they would take up the least amount of room in my bag. I put on the jeans and tank top I had carried with me, and then I hesitated. This was it. The end of the old me.

    I was about to have full possession of my freedom.

    Even more acutely aware of every glance, I stepped out of the restroom. I had gone in quiet, somber, and shrouded. I came out tall, fresh, alive. Had anyone noticed? It didn't matter. The air on my skin gave me goosebumps to the core and I gained confidence with every step. Before I knew it, the hijab was behind me. And I haven't looked back.

  • Stepping Out of Hijab
     Reply #1 - July 09, 2013, 11:31 AM

    I never get tired of reading your story.

    Great work Luthiel  Afro

    In my opinion a life without curiosity is not a life worth living
  • Stepping Out of Hijab
     Reply #2 - July 10, 2013, 11:12 AM

    Great story. I too felt so liberated when I took of my hijab. Feeling the wind blowing my hair is a feeling I enjoy up to this day.

    Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.~Albert Einstein

    Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws. ~Plato
  • Stepping Out of Hijab
     Reply #3 - July 10, 2013, 02:04 PM

    I was forced to wear hijab once. The result, i have not spoken to my own father for 6 months, never called him, never contacted him during that period.

    My father was a dilligent follower of Islam. He went to mosques amost everyday (thats what muslims do when they get too old to do anything else). Whenever he comes back from the mosque, he will recite and tell my mother what he learned during the visit. It was always a one-sided conversation coz mom will never say anything back to him, knowing that he will start shouting back or worse, hit her hard on her face.

    Mother seldom get hit anymore, therefore she just nods and make tea and supper when dad started the babbling about how great Islam is. Its a scene i have endured during my adolescent time, while staying under the same roof as them, before i went to boarding school a few years later.

    A neighbour friend asked me to accompany her  to the city one evening. I told mom, and mom said okay, i can go. Mom even offered to tell dad because she knows dad will get mad if he knows im leaving the house without him knowing. Somehow i think deep down inside, she knows we dont talk much to dad either, and most of us dont know how to communicate with him, so she offered herself.

    Just before we left the house, my friend already waiting for me at the frontyard, i was walking down the stairs, and i heard dad. Shit! He's home early today, i thought. Thats it, i will never get out of the house if he's around, i told myself.

    From the living room, he shouted " where are you going?" He snarls, i know this is not good. I know he will say no.

    " you can go, but with one condition", he said sternly. His voice says its conviction, its not a choice, its a command.
    I gaze up at him, looking confused. For one moment i was confused that he even let me go, and now he has a condition? This is not him at all, he never negotiates, especially with me.

    " go back upstairs and wear a hijab. Cover your head. I dont want people from the mosque to say my daughters dont cover their heads." He says, without looking at my direction.
    "Dad, please. " i choked. How could he force me like this.? My friends at school dont wear hijab, only some of them, yes, but not everyone. Even my friend waiting outside of the house doesnt wear one, why dad is being so tough in me? As if i am going to mosque or some religious place. I am just going to the city, for fuck sake!

    "You want to go or not? If not, stay at home, help your mom." He said, mockingly amused. That stupid grin on his face. And i know,mif i were to open my mouth and say a word, he will change his mind, and my outing to the city is gone.

    Without further hesitation, i went back inside my room, grab a white hijab, wear it, and go back down and off i go. My friend was shocked to see me and she giggled.
    " he makes you do that huh?"
    I nod. I cant hide the embarassment and wished she didnt hear any of it.

    Before i reached the open street, while walking, i grab the hijab and take it off completely, and also my long sleeve tee, take it off and i am wearing only a simple black baby tee and jeans. I fold the hijab and long sleeve tee neatly and stuffed them into my backpack. I felt free! No one will ever force me to wear what i dont want to wear. If this is the game he wants to play, lets play this.

    We had a talk, me and my friend that day, and to my suprise, she was also forced to do the same thing. Her father will hit her with a cane and lock her in her room if she refuses to wear one. I though to my self, at least i wasnt hit, i mean for that particular incident on the day.

    We do live in fear, most of our lives, and trying to be free is something we look for.
    But i know lying to my family is wrong. Why cant they listen to wha I have to say? Why cant they just accept me they way I am? With hijab or without hijab, i am still me, their daughter.

    After that incident, i never spoke to my father. When i come back from school, i always make sure i do all the chores before he come back, then lock myself up in my room. Even during dinner, i dont talk much, eat my food, clean my plate and dissappear. We were like robots in the house. Not much happiness in the house anymore, until the point where mom fell sick and she was admitted to hospital.

    Mom talked to me about dad, how depressed she was married to dad, and i can understand why. Its because of Islam. The religion that breaks us apart. We are living in fear all the time, fear of getting hit, fear of getting bashed and bruised and that threat comes from our own father, who supposed to protect us, love us and cherish us. Until today i wonder, did Mom ever fell in love with dad?  I never knew, coz she died a few years after that while i was in boarding school.

    Say NO to Islam. its killing you. It doesnt love you!

    Write for yourself
  • Stepping Out of Hijab
     Reply #4 - July 10, 2013, 03:41 PM

    FaithlesslADY what COUNTRY ARE YOU FROM? ... If you don't mind me asking..
  • Stepping Out of Hijab
     Reply #5 - July 15, 2013, 10:20 AM


    Write for yourself
  • Stepping Out of Hijab
     Reply #6 - July 16, 2013, 11:00 PM

    Beautiful story from Luthiel. What country is she from?

    Sorry to hear about your mom, FaithlessLady. I hope she found some peace at the end. I will encourage other muslim women to read your story. Islam is a plague, and MOST of its victims are muslims.

    I beat witness that there is no evil but allah, and muhammad is his tool for evil (may piss & shit be upon them both) inshallah ameen!
  • Stepping Out of Hijab
     Reply #7 - July 17, 2013, 01:54 AM

    I'm from the US  Smiley

    The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
    - 32nd United States President Franklin D. Roosevelt
  • Stepping Out of Hijab
     Reply #8 - July 19, 2013, 02:30 AM

    Heart moving stories from Luthiel and FaithlessLady.

    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Stepping Out of Hijab
     Reply #9 - July 19, 2013, 10:16 PM

    Thank you for sharing that, Faithless.

    "we can smell traitors and country haters"

    God is Love.
    Love is Blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God.

  • Stepping Out of Hijab
     Reply #10 - June 20, 2014, 03:17 PM

    well let me  add these tubes here in the  Luthiel's Stepping Out of Hijab blog.,  the first tube is  from a QSD post in another folder

    Egyptian Women Discuss the Hijab

    Hijab, Niqab or Nothing discussion

    Ahmadiyya womens discussion hijab and naqab persented

    Egyptian TV Host Riham Said Removes Veil during Interview, Clashes with Guest Cleric Yousuf Badri

    Do not let silence become your legacy.. Question everything   
    I renounced my faith to become a kafir, 
    the beloved betrayed me and turned in to  a Muslim
  • Stepping Out of Hijab
     Reply #11 - August 19, 2015, 08:26 PM

    thank you so much for sharing your stories, it gives me courage to take that thing off as well. Crazy how what a barbarian man from the desert , 14 centuries ago, can steal away our freedoms :(
    Crazy how i used to believe that Islam has valued women ......

    Atheist, Moroccan, Feminist, but most importantly HUMAN.
  • Stepping Out of Hijab
     Reply #12 - September 01, 2015, 09:44 PM

    I've never been forced into wearing the Hijab by my family, but when I go out in public I usually have a scarf on my shoulder. It's part of our culture here. You will get looked at and harassed in certain places if you don't have the scarf on, so girls just have it with them the whole time in case they go somewhere where it's safer to have the Hijab on.
    In university the Hijab is part of our uniform. You won't be allowed in on campus without it.

    Recently my 15 years old sister decided she wanted to wear the Hijiab, and ever since then my parents have changed the way they treat me. I can feel that they're very disappointed in me. My sister is 7 years younger than I am, and they're very proud of her. They don't know how I feel about religion, they think I'm just too stubborn and they think I don't want to wear the Hijab because I'm afraid I won't look good in it.
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