Hello everyone!
I've known about this forum for a while now but was always too shy to write anything.
If you do manage to read through it all, I just want to say thank you and I like you, already!
So, here's a little about me:
I am 19 years old and living in London. Whether or not I am truly an ex-Muslim now is still a little blurry for me.
I was brought up in the West but my mother (my dad left when I was only little, oh well) was determined to make all her children believe and practise Islam as she does. I am of Somali decent, so you can understand the importance Islam had on my mother.
Being Somali is not easy.... Every other Somalis expect you to be a good Muslim girl, but things for me were different, luckily. This was only because I don't look Somali (I'm too "light" or too "chinky"), so I'm often mistaken for either being mixed race or South American, which meant other Somalis never spoke to me in anything but English when they first meet me.
I grew up in France, and didn't dully practise Islam until moving up to England at 13. At the age of 14, being sure of my religion, or maybe simply wanting to copy my older sister, I started wearing 'hijab', which was made easy by all the constant praises and being told I was doing very well. What other people didn't know was that I started questioning the existence of God since I was ten. "What if God is Christian, or Jewish, or something nobody knew of. What if God didn't exist?!" I would ask myself. Of course, I never brought this up to anyone else's attention because of their expectations of me. But when I was 15, I asked my mother about women in Islam, and although I don't quite remember what I asked (it had to do about women having power) I remember her telling me that I shouldn't ask questions. I found that quite confusing, especially in Islamic school, I was repeatedly told to ask questions. (Of course, I always shied away)
A few years ago, other questions began to surface, not only concerning God's existence but also, even if he did exist, why create other planets, solar systems, and even universes? Seemed like a whole waste of God's time, if you ask me. As I began to gain a stronger interest in astronomy, I found myself drifting further and further away from religion.
That's when I discovered this website. I read loads of stories of people that successfully came out in the open and admitted their beliefs. But for me, well I still felt alone. I slowly began hating wearing my hijab and even tried to go to college without it once... But just before leaving I quickly put it back on, afraid of what people would say.
Last September, as I began university, I finally decided that it was time to remove the hijab, since there would be no one at university to know me and therefore judge my choice. I knew there lots of Muslims at my uni and simply told myself I would not hang out with them, but hang out with other students, who went out and drank (neither of which I've ever done.)
Things didn't quite go as planned at university as ALL of my friends are practising Muslims and I feel part of them, although I don't cover my hair like they do (of course, they don't know I do not believe in the same things as them). This year has really been confusing for me though, because when people ask me if I am Muslim, I do reluctantly say "yes" although my heart screams "NO!"
I want to do things: go out all night, maybe even get drunk, or anything fun, which of course Islam looks down on! But having a mother like mine, who would rather see me married with a good Muslim man before thinking of even leaving the house makes things so difficult.
So now I know that I'm not Muslim (yes, still refer to myself as one sometimes, but only because I'm still "in the closet"), I suppose all I want is freedom. I mean I am proud of myself for being able to have removed my hijab, but I suppose I want the whole non-Muslim lifestyle, which I've dreamt of for a long time... I'm not done trying though, I will get there.
I'd love to meet more people who've gone through or are still going through something similar
Topic: new here - my story :)