Depression and suicide
Reply #6 - January 12, 2013, 04:41 AM
^ same thing. I've always been depressed because of the society, people, "friends" around me. I've got only 3 persons on this planet that have an actual meaning to my life. They mean a lot to me. As for my family, I don't feel anything anymore. They're just people living under the same roof as me. I'm actually starting to hate them...progessively, lately... while I just used to be indifferent toward them. Now, I just can't stand my family anymore. I can't also stand the person I AM around them. I'm so fake and horrible that I disgust myself....
I've never said that to anybody, not even my 3 people. But 2 days ago, I was full of stress. I was on my final exams, my mom and my dad were just nasty and annoying to me. And I had to study while I felt depressed and suicidal. I was questioning the meaning of my life and where the hell I was going. So... I just went outside to a store to buy Redbulls. I usually always drink one redbull once a week so I can focus a little bit on my studies. But this time, when I saw the package...I had the urge to drink them all. I knew and I read in the back of the can that I can get a heart attack if I drink more than 2. But it didn't really matter to me. I just drank 8 cans straight. I don't know if I wanted to kill or harm myself, but I wasn't thinking. I was just drinking even though I wasn't thirsty. Drinking and drinking and I wasn't feeling anything. I just wanted to try and see what really would happen. And then while I was drinking I said to me: " What's the big deal if I really died right there? Many people die and we forget about them after a while. " I had this morbid question inside of my head. And to be honest, I still don't feel anything wrong with it. I was really normal. I just drank like I was drinking Coca Cola.
After a while I felt shaky and anxious, i had palpitations in my stomach. I also felt like my heart was going to collapse inside of me. I had no regrets when I did that. I just went to bed leaving my text books on the desk and I just went to sleep, thinking it would be the best if I died right there. However, I just fell asleep and woke up very nasty. And I still feel disappointed and sad. For a moment, I imagined myself gone and it was a good dream. It would have been a relief from this crazy fucked up life. And now I just can't stop thinking about suicide.
Il faut savoir grandir et aller de l'avant.