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Theme Changer

 Topic: Teens and smoking

 (Read 2897 times)
  • 1« Previous thread | Next thread »
  • Teens and smoking
     OP - November 27, 2011, 10:27 AM

    Ok, if you feel tempted to lecture me on how my being a smoker was all cause and effect of this situation, then spare me the lecture, I've already self punished over and over about this.  It would simply be like kicking someone when they are down.  Grin

    But anyway. 

    My 13 year old son has confessed to me that he has tried to smoke.  That he has had about 1 smoke a day for a week at school.

    I really don't know how to deal with this.

    1 - I am a smoker

    2 - I smoked at 14

    3 - His school allows smoking on contract, since it is a special needs school for teens with emotional and behavioural problems, they have told me that they place smoking into a category of "things not worth warring over" when considered against all the other behaviour they have to deal with.

    so basically they make a contract with a child who smokes that it not be drugs, it not be in the school building and that parents agree to the contract too.  Mind you they do sort of pressure and persuade the parent into allowing it so that other issues can be tackled instead.  Such as sex, drugs and violence.

    My son never smoked til he started this school in september which allows it.  I'm not very impressed with this rule of the schools, but this is as a mother of course.

    When I look back, I was on contract for smoking when I was in a children's home, again because the smoking was not an issue they wanted to war over, we were likely to rebel against any rule forbidding it anyway, so they let us smoke and forbid other more serious stuff.

    So, I don't know. 

    I obviously don't want my son to fuck up his lungs and his health like I did, but I feel like I would be a hypocrite to punish or come down hard on him right now.  Especially since he came to me himself to tell me, and talk to me.

    I have spoken to him, everyone has spoken to him, but I don't think it went in.

    Maybe this is one of the inevitable moments I must face.  That all I can do is advise him not to, and hope for the best.

    With the school allowing this sort of thing I won't have the backing I need to stop it, plus my son doesn't react well to being forced to do something, which is natural teen behaviour plus his behavioural disorder all adding a grenade to this situation.

    Sigh.  This parenting stuff is soooo not fun sometimes.  Grin

    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Teens and smoking
     Reply #1 - November 27, 2011, 11:02 AM

    Perhaps a rule of no smoking at home? Like not under my roof kind of thing?
  • Re: Teens and smoking
     Reply #2 - November 27, 2011, 11:07 AM

    Sorry to hear this BerberElla. I just looked it up and the legal age to smoke in UK is 18. I'm not sure how the school is even allowing this even though it's illegal.

    Maybe you should show him some videos like this (go to the actual YouTube link and you'll notice there's a playlist): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaeJUCVEp2s which show the negative effects of smoking. There's lots of articles on the web as well. Good luck!
  • Re: Teens and smoking
     Reply #3 - November 27, 2011, 11:09 AM

    Oh yes, that's a definite one.   yes

    I feel like that's about all I can do.  That and advice not to. 


    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Teens and smoking
     Reply #4 - November 27, 2011, 11:12 AM

    Sorry to hear this BerberElla. I just looked it up and the legal age to smoke in UK is 18. I'm not sure how the school is even allowing this even though it's illegal.


    Yes, it's 18 to sell tobacco to teens, but no one is breaking the law as long as they don't serve or obtain the smoking stuff for anyone under that age.

    You can't get arrested for smoking a fag under 18 nor can anyone caring for you be prosecuted for allowing smoking under that age since the legality mostly pertains to trading.

    So the school allowing it off site, but not being a part of how the kids get hold of the smokes, aren't breaking any rules.

    Quote

    Maybe you should show him some videos like this (go to the actual YouTube link and you'll notice there's a playlist): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaeJUCVEp2s which show the negative effects of smoking. There's lots of articles on the web as well. Good luck!


    Thank you for the video.  I didn't even think of using videos, I just tried to talk to him about the dangers.  Maybe they will help somehow.


    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Teens and smoking
     Reply #5 - November 27, 2011, 11:37 AM

    Sorry to hear that Berbs, and I'm not a parent so obviously my advice is all based on idealistic speculation. I think it's an inevitable part of raising kids that as they get older, they will get more curious and experiment with friends - be it smoking, drinking, sex.

    The natural reaction of course as a parent is to be upset and tempted to unleash an iron fist and stop them, but like you say, the more you demonize something, the more appealing it is to them because it's all about being cool and a rebel against adults. And it's even harder when you smoke yourself.

    Considering he was honest enough and trusted you enough to approach you and tell you about it, then the best thing is to appreciate his honesty and that you are glad that he opened up. Try to appeal to his 'rational' side and let him know that although you can't and won't stop him from smoking, he should be aware of the health risks. Videos are good too, instead of just talking, which to him will just be mum lecturing again.
    I'm assuming he knows you smoke? If he does, then admit that if you knew back then what the health problems were, you might have taken a different route. Also he probably thinks it's easy to quit. Tell him about your first hand experience of how difficult it is.

    Lily makes a good point of insisting he not smoke in your house. The health damage is real and you don't want your two younger ones being affected by second hand smoke (apart from the bad influence of watching their brother light up). But make a point about the health risks being very real which is why smoking is actually banned in most places and you want your home to be smoke free.

    I guess the pragmatic stance of the school makes sense - considering all the other issues, smoking is the least of your worries.

  • Re: Teens and smoking
     Reply #6 - November 27, 2011, 12:20 PM

    All of the above, Berbs, but also:
    Do you smoke in front of the kids?
    Do you make them share your smoke, so they're addicted already?
    Do you smoke out side or inside the house/ anywhere else inside?

    There are lots of things you can do personally, like say to them now and again, "Sorry, I can't afford your sweeties this week, I need fag money."
    Work out what you spend a week, a month, a year, and share that knowledge with them. It will gradually penetrate their attitudes to smoking.

    If you smoke outside, away from them, it will demonstrate that you think smoking is a bad thing and that even though you're an addict yourself, you care enough about them to spare them from the same debilitating condition.
    Tell them that you wish you didn't smoke but that smoking is a powerful addiction that holds you prisoner. Put it in such a way as to motivate them to to want to control their own lives, not throw away their independence to a tobacco company.

    Above all else, tell them that smoking is not an intelligent thing to do, because you know and I know that it's not.
     
    I've been addicted myself and I know what a life changing wrench it is to give up, but eventually I also saw giving up as a platform for self-improvement. I had to do that 3 times, due to the good old Bi-polarity and the feelings of invincibility a good manico can give you. And then the inevitable slide into depression and the self-loathing that comes of it because you're not in control of your life anymore - your health, your money, your initiative belong to the tobacco company.
    Smokers, even more than ever now choose for their friends other smokers; marriage partners even come from the same mentality circle simply because of the addiction camararderie that goes with it - smokers against the rest of the world.
     You have to explain to them that nicotine is as bad as any other drug but you have to express your own self disgust to make it count. 'Don't do as I do, do as I say' will not lead to affective learning, but demonstrating through your own actions, the reality of its awfulness may do.


    Religion is ignorance giftwrapped in lyricism.
  • Re: Teens and smoking
     Reply #7 - November 27, 2011, 01:59 PM

    Allow me to write some words as an addicted smoker (like your son I started smoking at 13).
    When my children grew up I told them all the stories about my smoking behaviour, and what silly things I have done to get tobacco at times (including driving to a place at 25 miles where I hoped there would be a tobacco shop still open, and how I felt before and afterwards). I also told them that I wasn't in the position to forbid them smoking, only that it would be very unwise for them to do so. Smoking was allowed near their schools (not inside, though).
    None of my children is a smoker now. This is my two cents.

    Religion is organized superstition
  • Re: Teens and smoking
     Reply #8 - November 27, 2011, 04:29 PM


    Considering he was honest enough and trusted you enough to approach you and tell you about it, then the best thing is to appreciate his honesty and that you are glad that he opened up. Try to appeal to his 'rational' side and let him know that although you can't and won't stop him from smoking, he should be aware of the health risks. Videos are good too, instead of just talking, which to him will just be mum lecturing again.
    I'm assuming he knows you smoke? If he does, then admit that if you knew back then what the health problems were, you might have taken a different route. Also he probably thinks it's easy to quit. Tell him about your first hand experience of how difficult it is.

    Lily makes a good point of insisting he not smoke in your house. The health damage is real and you don't want your two younger ones being affected by second hand smoke (apart from the bad influence of watching their brother light up). But make a point about the health risks being very real which is why smoking is actually banned in most places and you want your home to be smoke free.



    I said all of that.  yes  I truely do regret this plague.  I love and I loathe smoking.

    I didn't tell him a part of me still loves it, just how much I hate it, how I have been addicted for years and all the health problems that have come from it. 

    I suggested we completely quit together but he wasn't too keen on the idea.

    All of the above, Berbs, but also:
    Do you smoke in front of the kids?
    Do you make them share your smoke, so they're addicted already?
    Do you smoke out side or inside the house/ anywhere else inside?

    There are lots of things you can do personally, like say to them now and again, "Sorry, I can't afford your sweeties this week, I need fag money."
    Work out what you spend a week, a month, a year, and share that knowledge with them. It will gradually penetrate their attitudes to smoking.

    If you smoke outside, away from them, it will demonstrate that you think smoking is a bad thing and that even though you're an addict yourself, you care enough about them to spare them from the same debilitating condition.
    Tell them that you wish you didn't smoke but that smoking is a powerful addiction that holds you prisoner. Put it in such a way as to motivate them to to want to control their own lives, not throw away their independence to a tobacco company.

    Above all else, tell them that smoking is not an intelligent thing to do, because you know and I know that it's not.
     
    I've been addicted myself and I know what a life changing wrench it is to give up, but eventually I also saw giving up as a platform for self-improvement. I had to do that 3 times, due to the good old Bi-polarity and the feelings of invincibility a good manico can give you. And then the inevitable slide into depression and the self-loathing that comes of it because you're not in control of your life anymore - your health, your money, your initiative belong to the tobacco company.
    Smokers, even more than ever now choose for their friends other smokers; marriage partners even come from the same mentality circle simply because of the addiction camararderie that goes with it - smokers against the rest of the world.
     You have to explain to them that nicotine is as bad as any other drug but you have to express your own self disgust to make it count. 'Don't do as I do, do as I say' will not lead to affective learning, but demonstrating through your own actions, the reality of its awfulness may do.




    I smoke outside mostly but sometimes when it is super cold I smoke in my room out the window. 

    Ugh, I know you are right.  I need to quit more than stress about the hypocrisy I need to do as I say too.  I want to quit so much.  I am always meaning to quit. 

    My issue is not so much the craving for tobacco, I don;t really smoke just tobacco, I have a cannabis addiction.  I smoke and smoke and smoke and just get stoned to get myself past all the things I think, so I need to tackle that addiction alongside the nicotine one.

    I wish sometimes I could just disappear for a couple of weeks to ride out the storm of quitting.  The last few times I have tried I have been an angry insane person who snapped at everyone.  I don't want to put my kids through days and days of that whilst I get it out of my system,

    But at least if I don't smoke then it proves to him it really is something I regret.

    Thanks for the post.  I need to quit.   Afro

    Now to set about doing it......... Undecided


    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Re: Teens and smoking
     Reply #9 - November 27, 2011, 05:08 PM

    When I quit smoking after 18 years of it, I told EVERYONE i knew that I was quitting, and their jibes about me not being able to do it actually gave me the extra willpower to push me past the wall just to prove them wrong. Once the first week is over it gets a bit easier. After a month it's really easy. After a year, it's pretty much permanent (Or at least it was for me).


    I've been driven mad trying to prove my sanity
  • Re: Teens and smoking
     Reply #10 - November 27, 2011, 05:11 PM

    Thanks for the post.  I need to quit.   Afro

    Now to set about doing it......... Undecided


    The first steps are always the hardest, it's true  far away hug

  • Re: Teens and smoking
     Reply #11 - November 27, 2011, 06:16 PM

    Berbs, I am so sorry. Cry Cry Cry Cry

    A family man abstains from the destruction of life, from stealing, from sexual misconduct, from false speech, and from wines, liquors, and intoxicants, the basis for negligence. In this way a family man is accomplished in moral discipline. - Siddhartha Gotama Buddha

    Interested in Buddhism? Check out http://www.accesstoinsight.org/!
    Consider Nalanda University, and never let it happen again.
  • Re: Teens and smoking
     Reply #12 - November 27, 2011, 07:06 PM

    There's some good advice in this thread, and I'm sure you'll try everything, but bear my story in mind too - both my parents were non smokers, I was never exposed to cigarette smoke or smoking as a child, I was warned from an early age both at home and at school about the dangers of smoking.

    Just like yourself, I started smoking at 14 and still smoke.  So try everything, but don't go blaming yourself if it doesn't work.

    "Befriend them not, Oh murtads, and give them neither parrot nor bunny."  - happymurtad's advice on trolls.
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