At ease, soldier! This is only a joke
The following is a piece I copied from The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins.
Amazing book and I particularly enjoyed this bit.
And without further ado, here they are!
The ontological argument, like all a priori arguments for the
existence of God, reminds me of the old man in Aldous Huxley's
Point Counter Point who discovered a mathematical proof of the
existence of God:
You know the formula, m over nought equals infinity, m
being any positive number? Well, why not reduce the
equation to a simpler form by multiplying both sides by
nought. In which case you have m equals infinity times
nought. That is to say that a positive number is the product
of zero and infinity. Doesn't that demonstrate the
creation of the universe by an infinite power out of nothing?
Or there is the notorious eighteenth-century debate on the existence
of God, staged by Catherine the Great between Euler, the Swiss
mathematician, and Diderot, the great encyclopedist of the
Enlightenment. The pious Euler advanced upon the atheistic
Diderot and, in tones of the utmost conviction, delivered his
challenge: 'Monsieur, (a + bn)/n = x, therefore God exists. Reply!'
Diderot was cowed into withdrawal, and one version of the story
has him withdrawing all the way back to France.
Euler was employing what might be called the Argument from
Blinding with Science (in this case mathematics). David Mills, in
Atheist Universe, transcribes a radio interview of himself by a
religious spokesman, who invoked the Law of Conservation of
Mass-Energy in a weirdly ineffectual attempt to blind with science:
'Since we're all composed of matter and energy, doesn't that
scientific principle lend credibility to a belief in eternal life?' Mills
replied more patiently and politely than I would have, for what the
interviewer was saying, translated into English, was no more than:
'When we die, none of the atoms of our body (and none of the
energy) are lost. Therefore we are immortal.'
Even I, with my long experience, have never encountered wishful
thinking as silly as that. I have, however, met many of the wonderful
'proofs' collected at http://www.godlessgeeks.com/LINKS/GodProof.htm
a richly comic numbered list of 'Over Three
Hundred Proofs of God's Existence'. Here's a hilarious half-dozen,
beginning with Proof Number 36.
36 Argument from Incomplete Devastation: A plane crashed
killing 143 passengers and crew. But one child survived
with only third-degree burns. Therefore God exists.
37 Argument from Possible Worlds: If things had been
different, then things would be different. That would be
bad. Therefore God exists.
38 Argument from Sheer Will: I do believe in God! I do
believe in God! I do I do I do. I do believe in God!
Therefore God exists.
39 Argument from Non-belief: The majority of the world's
population are non-believers in Christianity. This is just
what Satan intended. Therefore God exists.
40 Argument from Post-Death Experience: Person X died an
atheist. He now realizes his mistake. Therefore God exists.
41 Argument from Emotional Blackmail: God loves you.
How could you be so heartless as not to believe in him?
Therefore God exists.
Hope you enjoyed these, there are hundreds and I'm about to go read the rest!