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Theme Changer

 Topic: new & confused

 (Read 4120 times)
  • 1« Previous thread | Next thread »
  • new & confused
     OP - April 15, 2012, 04:32 PM

    Hello everybody!

    I wished I could still believe in Islam, because I hate the state that I am in right now. My life is quite messy. On one hand I have my family, who i really love and care about and who still think, that I'm a muslim. On the other hand I don't want this nonsense (islam) to be part of my life anymore.

    I stopped believing in religion, when I was 12 years old. I stopped believing in god, when I was about 18 years old. I'm 25 now. I am still a cultural muslim and I hate it, because I'm leading a double life.

    I am afraid to openly admit that I am an atheist, because  that would break my parents' heart and they wouldn't want to have anything to do with me. They always tell me how proud they are and that I'm the only kid, who turned out right. (I have two brothers, who aren't that bad honestly...I am the only daughter.) I really don't want to destroy their illusion, at the same time not being honest is killing me inside. I don't know how to deal with it anymore and even thought about either ending my life or moving to another country without telling them and never contact them again. I feel like a betrayer  because of that...being so cruel to my own family. So I don't know what to do, wishing that I could be the ignorant muslim once again, because then I would know exactly how to lead my life...

    I live in Austria by the way.
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #1 - April 15, 2012, 05:21 PM

    Welcome confused  parrot

    ***~Church is where bad people go to hide~***
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #2 - April 15, 2012, 05:37 PM

    Hey and welcome to the forum confused, I hope you find a solution to your problem, there's loads and loads of people on here in the same situation and I think you may find solace in that.

    "The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline toward the religion of solitude."


    "i used to steal my sisters barbies so i could take their clothes off and perv on them" - prince spinoza
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #3 - April 15, 2012, 05:50 PM

    I think it might be easier to have a family full of assholes. You could just tell them you're an ex-Muslim, and where to shove it, and walk out on them.

    Too bad our families aren't Tongue

    قل للمليحة في الخمار الأسود
    مـاذا فـعــلت بــناسـك مـتـعـبد

    قـد كـان شـمّر لــلـصلاة ثـيابه
    حتى خـطرت له بباب المسجد

    ردي عليـه صـلاتـه وصيـامــه
    لا تـقــتـلــيه بـحـق ديــن محمد
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #4 - April 15, 2012, 06:13 PM

    I'm in the same boat as you, Confusedperson, and I also don't want to knock out the wind out of my parents' sails too. It can be hard and frustrating living a double life but sometimes you have to make difficult decisions in life that may not seem fair on you now, as you may live to regret it one day because you weren't patient enough to deal with the emotional inner struggles that will pale into insignificance later on. Giving hope - even if it's irrational and false -  that you're a Muslim and you'll meet your parents in Paradise is a better remedy than hurting some one you love.
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #5 - April 15, 2012, 09:24 PM

    thank you everybody for being so welcoming!


    @artemis:

    marriage is quite an issue. i am from an arabic familiy, so my parents want me to marry the traditionel way...which means they are always trying to arrange something/someone. i have the right to say no. my father always tells me, that he will never force me to marry someone.

    my current "emotional" crisis is caused because of marriage. some arabic guy proposed...now we are supposed to get to know each other. actually i have just talked to him and to me it is absolutly clear, that i don't want to marry him. Still he suggested to talk things over next sunday...

    I told my parents, that the arabic guy and I think too differently and marriage would be a terrible idea. My father accpeted it, but my mother thinks that I need to spend a little more time talking with him.
    They don't force me to marry anybody, but the pressure is definitily there...especially from my mum. She really likes this guy and thinks I won't be able to meet somebody like him again.

    Yes, I have an education...I am doing a master's in engineering currently.

    @harakaat

    there were so many times, where I wished, that my parents were some crazy islamic fundamentalists, so I could walk away without feeling too guilty. But on the other hand  I am thankful for having moderate islamic parents. I have a lot more freedom than other islamic girls I know...

    @247read

    how are you dealing with your situation?
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #6 - April 15, 2012, 09:37 PM

     parrot

    Is your education a way to give you space?

    Can you not say something like mum and dad, I really need to complete my studies and get a career. That means not thinking about marriage for a few years.

    That way I can make sure you are secure in your old age, and to develop my career I need to travel and live elsewhere in the world - preferably places with minimal Islamic input.

    When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.


    A.A. Milne,

    "We cannot slaughter each other out of the human impasse"
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #7 - April 15, 2012, 10:42 PM

    So far there has been no hiccups, apart from my Dad urging me to pray and asking - mistakenly -  my little brother to open his mind about Islam and religion in general.  
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #8 - April 15, 2012, 11:16 PM

    Welcome, confusedperson. I wish you good luck to avoid marriage without upsetting your mother, you can do it Afro.
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #9 - April 16, 2012, 12:14 AM

    Welcome to the forum confusedperson, have a rabbit!  bunny

    I hope that you can begin to move forward again in your life and start feeling less confused. There are many people in this forum with experience of this kind of situation who will certainly try to help. All you have to do is ask!  Afro

    how fuck works without shit??


    Let's Play Chess!

    harakaat, friend, RIP
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #10 - April 16, 2012, 12:37 AM

    Welcome to the forum have a parrot parrot     

    Sorry i can't offer you any advise since im only 17. but im sure there are alot of older members on here who have been or are in the exact same situation as you.

    Just come onto the forum if you are feeling down and stop thinking about committing suicide and keep yourself busy with things you like to do. We only have one life so we should try to make the best of it.   

    In my opinion a life without curiosity is not a life worth living
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #11 - April 16, 2012, 01:43 AM

    Welcome confusedperson!  you can always tell your mom you
    had a nightmare about this guy, and there were jinns coming
    in and out of him! LOL  awwww.... Im so sorry to hear your
    plight, sweetheart!  The good side is you have great education
    and I hope you will get the chance to use your education for
    things other than making babies and being a slave to your
    mother in law! D: 

    Here is a little welcome jinn for you, and we will do all we can
    to give you all the moral support you need and want.  Cuz many
    of us are currently going through, or already have gone thru
    exactly what you are now.

    ghost

    When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.
    Helen Keller
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #12 - April 16, 2012, 06:01 AM

    I am interested in why mums do this stuff to their daughters. 

    Did she not have dreams herself?  Why does she seemingly want to sabotage what you have achieved?

    In my family there were two clear groups amongst my mother's brothers and sisters - a pragmatic heathen bunch and a fundi bunch.  Thinking about it, my mum had her feet in both camps!

    When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.


    A.A. Milne,

    "We cannot slaughter each other out of the human impasse"
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #13 - April 16, 2012, 06:13 AM

    For example, your parents and grandparents. aunts and uncles, are very likely to have worn miniskirts.

    Quote
    The short skirt was not really worn by many women until 1966 [when Mary Quant introduced short mini dresses and skirts that were set 6 or 7 inches above the knee] and not nationwide until 1967. The mini skirts reached their hayday in the year 1970.

    At that time,they were worn worldwide by the vast majority of women ,even in many Islamic, Arab, and Middle Eastern countries.In the Middle East ,women wore mini skirts as their daily apparel. From Kabul in Afghanistan to Iran and Bahrain in the Persian Gulf,Egypt,the Levant,North Africa,etc, mini skirts were the trend and it was generally acceptable for many women to wear them, even in the most religious and conservative families and societies.

    Among women who wore the mini skirts,were most school and university students , teachers and university staff members ,house wives,working classes,employees in governmental institutions,doctors and nurses in hospitals ,etc.

    This might be surprising to newer generations who never expected mini skirts to have been, at one point in time [1966-1975], so common in the Middle East.Many of younger generations were really astonished,when I happened to show them old photos of their grandmothers,aunts and other older relatives [above 50 ] wearing mini skirts through out their youth .The quick decline of the mini skirt in the middle East began from late 1975,and was virtually non existent by 1977.Since that date,it never again became a popular fashion among ordinary women in working and middle classes.

    Today , mini skirts are worn in the middle East by exceptionally few women in private occasions [mostly prominent stars in cinema,music,media and TV,but never again among ordinary women as was the case before].They are generally not seen in public except in very few countries as some urban parts of Syria and Lebanon,mainly in festivals.The question then arises,why was this phenomenon so abundant [ more like an epidemic] among Middle Eastern women in both liberal and conservative countries in the years [1966-1975].Why did this phenomenon fade abruptly from 1975 in particular ,and not before or after?

    A scientific explanation is still needed


    http://www.ikbis.com/triplem/shot/78949

    Beware music on this site - many pictures!

    And what is this - a 25 year old''s parents introducing suitable men?  What planet is this?

    When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.


    A.A. Milne,

    "We cannot slaughter each other out of the human impasse"
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #14 - April 16, 2012, 07:22 AM

     far away hug
    hi and welcome to cemb
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #15 - April 16, 2012, 08:51 AM

    First of all, welcome to the forum. I hope it can provide some help to your confusion.

    my current "emotional" crisis is caused because of marriage. some arabic guy proposed...now we are supposed to get to know each other. actually i have just talked to him and to me it is absolutly clear, that i don't want to marry him. Still he suggested to talk things over next sunday...

    I told my parents, that the arabic guy and I think too differently and marriage would be a terrible idea. My father accpeted it, but my mother thinks that I need to spend a little more time talking with him.
    They don't force me to marry anybody, but the pressure is definitily there...especially from my mum. She really likes this guy and thinks I won't be able to meet somebody like him again.


    Oh honey  far away hug. Been there, done that, and it's a terribly stressful situation to be in. Don't you just hate it, when everyone keeps saying over and over again "of course it's your choice, you have the right not to marry him", but you don't get the right to say "I don't even want to meet him"? I can't fathom why we have to cope with such an invasion of our privacy, and it's maddening that we can't just tell them our reasons. Not only do you have to keep up the charade, but you also have to give a valid reason for rejecting the guy after meeting him, because "I didn't like him" just isn't enough. And you get speeches about how you can't afford to be picky at your age (!?) and how marriage isn't about love but about finding someone decent from a good family who will help you find your place in society. Ugh.

    The thing is, you DO have a say. You are young, you are still studying, and you KNOW that is more than making babies. You just can't spent your life with someone you are not compatible with, that would be the worst thing you could do to yourself. So you owe it to yourself to resist the pressure and just be firm. You CAN keep saying no until your situation changes. They won't force you into that mistake. So just be strong.

    He's no friend to the friendless
    And he's the mother of grief
    There's only sorrow for tomorrow
    Surely life is too brief
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #16 - April 25, 2012, 05:17 PM

    I am interested in why mums do this stuff to their daughters. 

    Did she not have dreams herself?  Why does she seemingly want to sabotage what you have achieved?

    In my family there were two clear groups amongst my mother's brothers and sisters - a pragmatic heathen bunch and a fundi bunch.  Thinking about it, my mum had her feet in both camps!


    apparantly her dream is to get me to marry this guy... i should have refused him from the beginning...now everything is getting worse...even my father wants me to rethink everything and try to find a compromise

    i can't understand why they like this guy so much...the way he sees life is so old fashioned...he wants me to be a housewife and mother, but he "allows" me to work, as long as i don't neglect my "duties" as a woman

    just the thought of spending some time with him talking...again... makes me really depressed... i have to talk to him tonight aswell...to find a compromise...

    i see life completly different than him and he knows that, but he still insists that we would make a "good" couple, if i would give up my "foolish" idea to have a career...so basically he is trying to talk me out to have a career and marry him
    we actually never talked about religion, but i know that he prays and fasts ramadan

    my parents and this guy are very persistent...i told them so many times that i don't wanna marry him, but  they don't seem to care
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #17 - April 25, 2012, 05:24 PM

    apparantly her dream is to get me to marry this guy... i should have refused him from the beginning...now everything is getting worse...even my father wants me to rethink everything and try to find a compromise

    i can't understand why they like this guy so much...the way he sees life is so old fashioned...he wants me to be a housewife and mother, but he "allows" me to work, as long as i don't neglect my "duties" as a woman

    just the thought of spending some time with him talking...again... makes me really depressed... i have to talk to him tonight aswell...to find a compromise...

    i see life completly different than him and he knows that, but he still insists that we would make a "good" couple, if i would give up my "foolish" idea to have a career...so basically he is trying to talk me out to have a career and marry him
    we actually never talked about religion, but i know that he prays and fasts ramadan

    my parents and this guy are very persistent...i told them so many times that i don't wanna marry him, but  they don't seem to care

    Common  Cheer up.. you are in 21st century., these are not Bedouin times confusedperson., Don't get confused..

    So does the guy has beard??  is it at correct length??  You know in these modern times., Parents are RASCALS.. they are selfish., they put so much burden on the kids, some times the house looks like horror house and parents are devils ..

    Cool down make a plan.,... so do you like him??



    @harakaat

    there were so many times, where I wished, that my parents were some crazy islamic fundamentalists, so I could walk away without feeling too guilty. But on the other hand  I am thankful for having moderate islamic parents. I have a lot more freedom than other islamic girls I know...


    harakaat is not going to read you confusedperson.. neither he is going to read me...  I wish there is a way he could  read us.. I wish I could believe in such things again..

    with best wishes
    yeezevee

    Do not let silence become your legacy.. Question everything   
    I renounced my faith to become a kafir, 
    the beloved betrayed me and turned in to  a Muslim
     
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #18 - April 25, 2012, 05:38 PM

    i don't like him at all...my plan is to make him "refuse" me...he doesn't like "modern-thinking" women, because...well i don't know

    i have already told him, that i want a career and that i am not sure if i ever want to have kids...family is the most important thing to him... i don't know why he is even considering me, we have no common ground

    my brilliant mother told me, that i can always "change" his way of thinking once i marry him...she agrees with me, that he seems old fashioned...

  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #19 - April 25, 2012, 07:27 PM

    Hi confused, and welcome Smiley

    I absolutely agree with what's been said here about not marrying this guy. Don't do it. One of the only things I don't regret as a Muslim was not getting married. It will just make things so much worse. And this guy sounds horrible. He will "allow" you to work, as long as you don't neglect your "duties?" Ugh. Don't expect him to take you seriously about anything. I would suspect he is only saying that because he thinks it will ease your mind, but once you are married you'd be his property, and he can change his mind about anything. I've seen it happen.

    Yes, refusing from the beginning would have made things easier, but don't give up. Start now. Refuse firmly. Tell your parents that you have prayed istikhara and strongly feel you should not marry this guy. Can't argue with istikhara, right? Be calm and unwavering in both your words and body language when you make it clear that you've made your decision. Don't give them any hope of convincing you.

    Good luck tonight. Hopefully it will be the last time you have to see him. Be strong hugs

    The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
    - 32nd United States President Franklin D. Roosevelt
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #20 - April 25, 2012, 07:50 PM

    I would go so far as to say you're much better off abandoning your family than wedding this odious bloke. 'Letting' you work is his generous compromise? Abort, abort.

    Like Luthiel said, be firm and unwavering.
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #21 - April 26, 2012, 12:41 PM

    i don't like him at all...my plan is to make him "refuse" me...he doesn't like "modern-thinking" women, because...well i don't know


    Sadly, from my own experience and that of people around me, that strategy will most likely fail. Either the guy will see what he wants to see in you, or he will expect you to change. Also, if you push things too far in "modernity" it might backfire on you and create trouble with your parents. So better to just stick to your decision and tell them that nothing will make you change your mind. Tell them that if you make the wrong choice, it's YOU who will live with the consequences for the rest of your life, not them. And also, Luthiel's suggestion is brilliant. Use the istikhara card. It will help you.

    Quote
    my brilliant mother told me, that i can always "change" his way of thinking once i marry him...she agrees with me, that he seems old fashioned...


     Roll Eyes Surely she is jesting. Not gonna happen.

    He's no friend to the friendless
    And he's the mother of grief
    There's only sorrow for tomorrow
    Surely life is too brief
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #22 - April 27, 2012, 07:18 PM

    Hey confused, how did the meeting go with him?

    The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
    - 32nd United States President Franklin D. Roosevelt
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #23 - May 10, 2012, 12:01 PM

    Sadly, from my own experience and that of people around me, that strategy will most likely fail. Either the guy will see what he wants to see in you, or he will expect you to change.


    Unfortunately you are right, he wants me to change. Now he even wants me to wear the hijab.


    Hey confused, how did the meeting go with him?


    A week ago was the last time I talked to him. Now I am supposed to think things over and tell him my final decision tomorrow.

    I don't know if have gone mental, but I am considering marrying him.

    I am only in this confused and emotional dilemma, because on one hand I want freedom and I want to break away from this religion. On the other hand I don't want to dissapoint my family and I really don't want to lose them.

    So maybe it is better to forget about freedom and to lie to myself until I believe that I am living the life I want to live.
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #24 - May 10, 2012, 12:09 PM

    Wow, you're very similar to me, similar age, similar family (I have only brothers), similar family situation (ie they're proud of me, have given me a lot of freedom compared to other muslim girls, but still not completely so makes it hard for me to be 'mean' and hurt them),  similar education...

    Don't do it confusedperson! If you have doubts and think he will force you do become someone you're not, and restrict you further. Don't.


    "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." - Viktor E. Frankl

    'Life is just the extreme expression of complex chemistry' - Neil deGrasse Tyson
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #25 - May 10, 2012, 12:42 PM


    I am only in this confused and emotional dilemma, because on one hand I want freedom and I want to break away from this religion. On the other hand I don't want to dissapoint my family and I really don't want to lose them.

    So maybe it is better to forget about freedom and to lie to myself until I believe that I am living the life I want to live.



    I have thought this before as well, but if we only have this one life, we have to fight to live it true to who we are as much as we can and fight for it, it might take a while, but don't give up. I think you will only end up regretting it, please don't make this huge decision thing just to please others. This marriage will affect you 90% more than it will affect the rest of your family. You will have to live with this man, see him everyday and probably have children with him. Can you imagine being truly happy in that scenario?


    "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." - Viktor E. Frankl

    'Life is just the extreme expression of complex chemistry' - Neil deGrasse Tyson
  • Re: new & confused
     Reply #26 - May 10, 2012, 04:08 PM

    Confused far away hug

    A lot of things are going on in your head right now, and I understand why you are tempted to give up and marry this guy so you can appease your family. But think carefully. You have two separate decisions, and you are treating them as one. Whether to marry this guy has nothing to do with whether you should break away from the religion. Even if you were happy as a Muslim, you still would not want to marry this guy. Your decision about him will really have no bearing on your relationship with your family in the end. Right now they want you to marry him, but they also want you to be happy and while they may find it difficult in the short run to accept your decision if you say no, they won't disown you for it. On the other hand, if you say yes, you are most likely in for a level of misery you can't imagine. I'm saying this based on what you have said about this man so far, and what I've seen happen personally in very similar situations.

    Breaking away from the religion is something else entirely. You don't need to face that decision now. Even if you decide you want to settle for a life your family will accept and hope you can convince yourself it's the life you want, then at least hold out for a man you feel is actually compatible with you.

    Use istikhara to convince your parents. Speak with them rationally. Leave emotion out of it. Take your time and think about what you want to say beforehand. Be calm, firm, and final. Don't leave room for negotiation. You can do this hugs hugs

    The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
    - 32nd United States President Franklin D. Roosevelt
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