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 Topic: Are blowjobs halal?

 (Read 287471 times)
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  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #120 - March 13, 2013, 06:10 PM
    Bring us a revelation oh Happy Murtad!
    -------------------
    Believe in yourself
    -------------------
    Strike me down and I'll just become another nail in your coffin
    -------------------
    There's such a thing as sheep in wolfs clothing... religious fanatics
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #121 - March 13, 2013, 06:36 PM
    I once heard a shaikh say that when you read the Quran, angels come and put their lips against yours, (I don't know if they give you a full on French kiss, although it might explain why you have to do so much tongue gymnastics to get proper tajweed).
    Anyway, he was trying to say 'why would you do anything as disgusting as oral sex and put off those poor angels from snogging you?'
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #122 - March 13, 2013, 06:46 PM
    Suratul Oral Sex

    1.   They ask thee concerning the blow job, say “They are a blessing and your lord doth command them.”
    2.   So follow not the ways of those who say that we have banned them
    3.   Indeed, your lord has enjoined blow jobs, so fill them with much slobber
    4.   Thus shall we reward every voluptuous head bobber
    5.   Oh ye Murtads, when ye perform blowjobs on your partners, allow for deep throat penetration.
    6.   And there is no harm if ye decided to use a little extra lubrication.
    7.   So use your tongues, and stroke the staffs, and play with balls beneath
    8.   And curl thy lips as ye go down, and beware of too much teeth
    9.   Verily, those who receive blow jobs in this life shall be rewarded with great orgasms
    10.   So spit out not their cum and persevere through all the spasms
    11.   And the apostates say “Praises be to the SWT for oral sex and the pleasure it doth bring us!”
    12.   Yea, thus does your lord also enjoin upon thee cunnilingus 
    13.   Verily, those who refuse to go down on women have no idea what they are missing.
    14.   So start ye slow between her thighs, then kiss her mound with precious kissing
    15.   And when ye sense that she is moved by thee, and she begins to move her hips
    16.   Move thee faster and use thy tongue and rub her clit between your lips
    17.   And there is no harm upon thee if ye caress the nipples on her tits
    18.   Verily, those who refuse to go down on their woman they really do not respect her
    19.   For blessed is her sweet fragrance and the taste of her sealed nectar
    20.   So enjoy oral sex, oh Murtads, for your lord doth make it lawful
    21.    And do not stop before ye climax, because that’s just bloody awful
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #123 - March 13, 2013, 07:00 PM
    Bloody brilliant  Cheesy
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #124 - March 13, 2013, 07:21 PM
     mysmilie_977



    HALLELUJAH!!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NV9vdUjuWxc
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #125 - March 13, 2013, 07:25 PM
    Alhamdulillah!!! LOL Bloody brilliant HM!
    -------------------
    Believe in yourself
    -------------------
    Strike me down and I'll just become another nail in your coffin
    -------------------
    There's such a thing as sheep in wolfs clothing... religious fanatics
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #126 - March 14, 2013, 07:28 AM
    Cheesy That was quite graphic. 
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #127 - March 14, 2013, 09:43 AM
    happy murtad, pure jibbreel genius.
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #128 - March 14, 2013, 10:14 AM
    Quote from: Al-Alethia on March 14, 2013, 07:28 AM
    Cheesy That was quite graphic. 



    You'll appreciate it one day.  Wink
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #129 - March 14, 2013, 11:15 AM
    Hmm.....

    we are making lot of progress here.............. let me ruin it..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRZZAuPyG7I


    These idiots have so many problems...
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuhS0BNCcWI

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-Tw7WhH_aQ

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F13gtjjDEgE


    Do not let silence become your legacy.. Question everything   
    I renounced my faith to become a kafir, 
    the beloved betrayed me and turned in to  a Muslim     
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #130 - March 14, 2013, 11:32 AM
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMS0YexWBTk


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBGlqkrMuI0


    there are no fucking god/s....  in this world...   
    Do not let silence become your legacy.. Question everything   
    I renounced my faith to become a kafir, 
    the beloved betrayed me and turned in to  a Muslim     
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #131 - March 14, 2013, 11:48 AM
    Dude why the hell do you always have to ruin every thread? Seriously what the hell is your problem??
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #132 - March 14, 2013, 01:11 PM
    Quote from: happymurtad on March 14, 2013, 11:48 AM
    Dude why the hell do you always have to ruin every thread? Seriously what the hell is your problem??

     Cheesy Cheesy.

    common happymurtad  you sound angry.. take it easy man., I already said that
    Quote from: yeezevee on March 14, 2013, 11:32 AM
     
     ...let me ruin it....

      ..but..but.. Huh? all threads??  Nooooooooo

     
    In the name of Allah , the Entirely Merciful, the Especially Merciful.
    Guide us to the straight path to hell
    Ta, Ha. ..Alif, Lam, Meem...
    Ohyeee happymurtad,  that is lie you say "that I ruin every thread"
    this lie is similar to what bible preachers preach
    “It is not for God to take a son unto Him.”
    “They do blaspheme who say: “God is Christ the son of Mary.”
    They do blaspheme who say: God is one of three in a trinity:
     for there is no God except one God
    Kaf, Ha, Ya, 'Ayn, Sad.
    Allah says to ,me  "O Messenger, announce that which has been revealed to you from your Lord, and Ruin some threads
     if you do not, then you have not conveyed His message.

    Yes.. indeed The Dude has problems... happymurtad..     so many problems..

    Hmm this is a good link on Islamic history

    well this thread should be moved in to that "RANT ARENA".. what do you say  happymurtad??
    Do not let silence become your legacy.. Question everything   
    I renounced my faith to become a kafir, 
    the beloved betrayed me and turned in to  a Muslim     
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #133 - March 14, 2013, 01:30 PM
    Dude you have problems...
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #134 - March 14, 2013, 01:36 PM
    Looks like Yeez is back. I feel Jibreel will send us down a verse for him soon too :p
    -------------------
    Believe in yourself
    -------------------
    Strike me down and I'll just become another nail in your coffin
    -------------------
    There's such a thing as sheep in wolfs clothing... religious fanatics
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #135 - March 14, 2013, 01:45 PM
     dance dance dance
    Quote from: ZooBear 

    • Surah Al-Fil: In an epic game of Angry Birds, Allah uses birds (that drop pebbles) to destroy an army riding elephants whose intentions were to destroy the Kaaba. No one has beaten the high score.

  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #136 - March 14, 2013, 02:24 PM
    Incidentally, today is the international Steak and Blowjob day.

    So happy Steak and Blowjob day, guys.
    He's no friend to the friendless
    And he's the mother of grief
    There's only sorrow for tomorrow
    Surely life is too brief
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #137 - March 14, 2013, 02:57 PM
    Quote from: Pepe on March 14, 2013, 01:36 PM
    Looks like Yeez is back. I feel Jibreel will send us down a verse for him soon too :p


    I think yeezeevee is Jibreel himself.
    yeezeevee makes me laugh too much though XD
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #138 - March 14, 2013, 05:45 PM
    Surat Yeezevee

    1.   Ignore! In the name of your lord who reveals
    2.   (Who) reveals unto thee exactly how he feels
    3.   Ignore Yeezevee! And cause him no offense
    4.   For his posts simply do not make any sense
    5.   Have ye seen how Yeezevee has transgressed
    6.   As he vandalizes threads like a pest
    7.   With his posts that are lacking in eloquence
    8.   And his random videos of no relevance
    9.   Nay, if he does not cease, he shall be put on a permanent ignore
    10.   An ignore that will block his posts for ever and ever more!
    11.   Nay! Pay no attention to him, disregard his comments, and act like he does not exist!
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #139 - March 14, 2013, 06:23 PM
    Quote from: Naerys on March 14, 2013, 02:24 PM
    Incidentally, today is the international Steak and Blowjob day.

    So happy Steak and Blowjob day, guys.


    Woohooo Had steak for supper, now to summon my wife *Whistles to wife*

    Wife is going out with a neighbor to a party, she will be happy when she gets home cause of the drinks, I might get lucky Cheesy

    This is the Steak, Egg and chip sandwiches my wife made for support tonight - it was heavenly, no wonder I cannot lose weight  whistling2
    Attached image is missing * sec.jpg (39.01 KB, 604x453 - viewed 1060 times.)
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #140 - March 14, 2013, 06:25 PM
    Another masterful Surah! PMSL!
    -------------------
    Believe in yourself
    -------------------
    Strike me down and I'll just become another nail in your coffin
    -------------------
    There's such a thing as sheep in wolfs clothing... religious fanatics
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #141 - March 14, 2013, 06:26 PM
    Send one of those sarnies over here please
    -------------------
    Believe in yourself
    -------------------
    Strike me down and I'll just become another nail in your coffin
    -------------------
    There's such a thing as sheep in wolfs clothing... religious fanatics
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #142 - March 14, 2013, 06:37 PM
    Quote
    Send one of those sarnies over here please


    A trans-Atlantic voyage is on my bucket list, when achieved the the sarmie will travel with me, it has so been foretold Smiley
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #143 - March 14, 2013, 06:39 PM
    Quote from: happymurtad on March 14, 2013, 05:45 PM
    Surat Yeezevee

    1.   Ignore! In the name of your lord who reveals
    2.   (Who) reveals unto thee exactly how he feels
    3.   Ignore Yeezevee! And cause him no offense
    4.   For his posts simply do not make any sense
    5.   Have ye seen how Yeezevee has transgressed
    6.   As he vandalizes threads like a pest
    7.   With his posts that are lacking in eloquence
    8.   And his random videos of no relevance
    9.   Nay, if he does not cease, he shall be put on a permanent ignore
    10.   An ignore that will block his posts for ever and ever more!
    11.   Nay! Pay no attention to him, disregard his comments, and act like he does not exist!



    Another master piece, I just read suratul oral sex to my wife as a hint when she gets back from her party
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #144 - March 14, 2013, 06:45 PM
    HappyMurtad, I mean no harm when I ask this, Are You A Real Human Being? Are you heavenly inspired?
    Fuck, you posts are pure genius and I have to pinch myself when I read this to make sure it is real.

    For you I will bat for the other side, I don't mind swinging both ways for you.
    I know you learning to play the guitar now so you can play me anytime see vid:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvd3qCnsAaY

    Fuck I got meself a mancrush
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #145 - March 14, 2013, 08:46 PM
    Quote
    Are you heavenly inspired?


    Yes. Yes I am.
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #146 - March 14, 2013, 11:50 PM
    Quote from: Dr_Zhivago on March 14, 2013, 06:45 PM
    HappyMurtad, I mean no harm when I ask this, Are You A Real Human Being? Are you heavenly inspired?
    Fuck, you posts are pure genius and I have to pinch myself when I read this to make sure it is real.

    For you I will bat for the other side, I don't mind swinging both ways for you.
    I know you learning to play the guitar now so you can play me anytime see vid:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvd3qCnsAaY

    Fuck I got meself a mancrush


    I just spit my drink of water clear across the desk. 
    Do not go gentle into that good night.
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #147 - March 23, 2013, 11:28 PM
    Quote from: happymurtad on March 13, 2013, 06:46 PM
    Suratul Oral Sex

    1.   They ask thee concerning the blow job, say “They are a blessing and your lord doth command them.”
    2.   So follow not the ways of those who say that we have banned them
    3.   Indeed, your lord has enjoined blow jobs, so fill them with much slobber
    4.   Thus shall we reward every voluptuous head bobber
    5.   Oh ye Murtads, when ye perform blowjobs on your partners, allow for deep throat penetration.
    6.   And there is no harm if ye decided to use a little extra lubrication.
    7.   So use your tongues, and stroke the staffs, and play with balls beneath
    8.   And curl thy lips as ye go down, and beware of too much teeth
    9.   Verily, those who receive blow jobs in this life shall be rewarded with great orgasms
    10.   So spit out not their cum and persevere through all the spasms
    11.   And the apostates say “Praises be to the SWT for oral sex and the pleasure it doth bring us!”
    12.   Yea, thus does your lord also enjoin upon thee cunnilingus 
    13.   Verily, those who refuse to go down on women have no idea what they are missing.
    14.   So start ye slow between her thighs, then kiss her mound with precious kissing
    15.   And when ye sense that she is moved by thee, and she begins to move her hips
    16.   Move thee faster and use thy tongue and rub her clit between your lips
    17.   And there is no harm upon thee if ye caress the nipples on her tits
    18.   Verily, those who refuse to go down on their woman they really do not respect her
    19.   For blessed is her sweet fragrance and the taste of her sealed nectar
    20.   So enjoy oral sex, oh Murtads, for your lord doth make it lawful
    21.    And do not stop before ye climax, because that’s just bloody awful


     


    Oh prophet Happy Murtad !


    Can you tell us what condom brands and condom flavors to use during oral sex.

    I'd like to add it to the sahih TDR.

    It will be of great benefit to the true believers who wish to stay upon the sunnah  grin12
    In my opinion a life without curiosity is not a life worth living
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #148 - March 24, 2013, 09:47 AM
    Quote from: Naerys on March 14, 2013, 02:24 PM
    Incidentally, today is the international Steak and Blowjob day.

    So happy Steak and Blowjob day, guys.


    Is there a female equivalent day?

    Because personally, I'm like fuck yet another day about your sexual satisfaction.

    Food is the way to a mans heart as is a blowjob?

    I'd rather use a sword, I'd hit his heart much quicker that way. 
    Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
  • Are blowjobs halal?
     Reply #149 - March 24, 2013, 10:08 AM
    ^ Apparently Stake and Blowjob Day is the male equivalent of Valentines' Day.
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