But to me, it seems, the moment of the action to do something that would better ones life, e.g. go find a job comes about spontaneously, as does depression. I do not feel in control of my life or my actions and thus the way life will unfold for me will depend on the way the wind blows.
So it's all about what you want out of life. If you have excessive material desire, true love or are seeking great spiritual fulfillment on a higher level.. then you're shit out of luck. But if you're happy with just being able to enjoy the next Planet of the Apes installment.. then life is for you.
That's what I've found. I read quite a lot, into philosophy, sociology and fiction. The fiction I read is stuff like Richard Yates and Fitz Gereald, books about the failure of the american dream. Characters who have gotten all the material things but whose ability to philosophise and think deeply have haunted them as their insight hints that this life of continual progress is shallow, repetitive and in the end, unfulfilling.
Sometimes I think that a life with a clear mind that enjoyed obvious pleasures which acted objectively might have been better. But then sometimes I feel sorry for some of them because how afraid they are about death, how afraid they are afraid of provocation. Some one here wrote about being afraid about the nothingness/emptiness. Personally I have found emptiness, nothingness, the void incredibly fascinating. At first it seems terrifying but then when actually facing it, one sees oneself sort of disintegrate, the fear is in losing oneself. Though I cannot say that I am not completely fearless of the void, sometimes it is inconvenient.
I've sat at so many middle class tables where families and guests are behaving so politely, who's conversations, are on the surface pleasant but underneath appear to be tip toeing in a mine field, where the wrong word could turn the situation into a traumatic humiliating event.
Here's an example, the other day my brother got his A level results, he got straight As pretty much and is going to do engineering at Imperial. Just as he announced that, my father entered the room and was so proud of him, my brother immediately started talk about other peers results, his superiority over them made my father proud. As all this was going, I was holding the book 'Bullet Park' by John Cheever and was in the middle of reading this passage:
"The Ridleys were a couple who brought to the hallowed institution of holy matrimony a definitely commercial quality as if to marry and conceive, rear and educate children was like the manufacture and merchandising of some useful product produced in competition with other manufacturers"
There appears to be the surface of things, rules, objectives, destinations and then there is the unknown. The void, this great question mark this great WTF is going on. Seems to be a roll of the dice as to who dwells on the surface and who is lost completely. I imagine we just go between the two in our lives. Doing our best to avoid the deathly silent void and and remain engaged with the grand spectacle we've created.
It's cathartic writing all this, I've never really written this down or thought about it as comprehensively.
harakaat, I am glad what I've written makes a connection...makes this far more universal than it seems.
Topic: Advice to 16 - 22 years old Ex-Muslims