This writing is a little bit long. And I'm sure you guyz don't have a really long attention span (me, one of you) . But this is a little bit important for me. So please, if you don't mind, read the whole of it. Peace out
It was Christmas Eve. The website had stopped its moaning and self-lamenting for a while. No one wants to weep in the day God was conceived. No being was trying to conceive the meaning of God, To choose The Divine Comedy, and to click on Religion and God. No body wanted to unravel our Lord's mysterious ways, because God, from the moment he was conceived in our minds, had always been vague and we got a little bit bored of conceiving. What the heck? Let's just celebrate his inexplicability. Just hallelujah that avatar-human-spirit-titan being.But I was there. I was thinking about that Guy who believes himself too sublime for us to show his face. And I was weeping too.
Hassan was the one who posted that thread. A video in which an ex-Muslim was being threatened by a fundamentalist. No big deal actually if you consider what other orthodox Muslims had done before . But that ex is the big deal. Kacem al-Ghazali. Yeah, that’s him. The loud atheist.I opened his blog and I was startled by him. By those courageous videos, by his brave responses to that hideous religious, by his writings, by his bold voice. That vocal cord that never seem to break down or to waver. And I was startled by his face. He actually showed it! He took that mask off and faced the world. He, with that angelic visage, that small body structure of a youth and with that baby stubble had actually jumped off the cliff.
I was startled by him. But I was shocked by me. I stood at that cliff, and never took that adrenaline plunge. I just bent down at the edge, saw the hollow abyss and retreated in the manner of an ashamed army who just lost the battle.
But of course, I didn't take these thoughts and feelings into much consideration. After all, when did I ever do that? Nevertheless, I just commented on how cute Kacem looks like and how I would love to f*** him with passion and love, unlike that bitchy Muslim. The usual shitty talk of the forum.Five minutes later, there was a comment from Think_free or Hassan asking me to edit that comment, for Kacem may pass into it and thinks of it as inappropriate. So I did that. Maybe I took it a little bit too far. But that’s not the point. What matters is the conclusion that struck me thereafter.
No one knows about my sexual orientation. Not my mom, not my journals and not even my best friend. No one, that is, except for a website and a bunch of totally strange people whom I've met 10 days ago.TheRationalizer, Pierced Beauty, z10, Muddy, Hassan and quite a lot of others whom their member picture is the only vague resemblance to their hidden faces. I'm talking to gods, you might say.
I realized why I posted that comment. It was simply because, the shield I've created around myself to conceal the true me was about to shatter. It reached its utmost capacity of secrets and whispers and I needed to let go before an explosion would occur.
Moments later, I went through a depression trance. It is just a simple face. When you confide a heavy boulder of secrets in a well, there is a chance you might fall along with it.This mask became too heavy. Its openings became too small. I can't see. And I can't breathe.
I would like to take council from God. It would be a nice thing from him to eavesdrop on my praying, to open that Secret Garden door, to stand at the sky's door threshold, and give me a pat, a rubbing on my hair and maybe a hug. But of course he didn't. Again that phrase. "God works in mysterious ways". God don't hug you, embrace you, give you a kiss upon the cheek, or at least give you a stroke on your hand. God don’t' sing lullabies. He doesn't whisper: hush now my baby. Be still. Everything is going to be fine. No. He just works in mysterious ways. Just kneel baby, beg for mercy and ass kiss me.
So the only people I'm left with now are, you.
It is not only about the salvation of me. It is about the salvation of every one of us. Are we supposed to hide forever? Are we supposed to always bow down and accept? As you might remember from another post of mine, I blackmailed God and promised him I will not stand still. I will act and I shall be remembered.
I'm so sick of having to walk tip-toed in the dark corners of my own home, so sick of pretending not to think, so sick of decoding my own journals so that not even the paper or the leads would know the "I am that I am", and I'm so sick of having to crouch down and hide my heart beneath an ancient mattress and a never-been-washed blankets.
Two secrets are a little bit too much for me.
'To be or not to be' Once asked a great bard, and so I do now.
for going through my
Topic: on being gay and an ex (Get out of the closets!)