Nour.
Good luck this Thursday.
Yes, good luck Nour: I hope they can sort something out for you. I wish I'd seen a psycho even before your age. It might have made so much difference.
I've been through all that you describe and even, at times, checked out places to jump for a quick death if things got terminally unbearable. When I've been in life-threatening situations that I can rectify quickly and potentially suicidally I've done it, largely because when I'm in that frame of mind I have no regard for my life. I shudder at the memory of some of the dangerous and idiotic things that I've initiated and, sadly, involved other people in, to their detriment too.
My manicos were roller-coaster euphorias of terror which, if I hadn't been so hell-bent on enjoying, I could not get off the fearful treadmill of the ride if I'd wanted. Some kind of inner demon drives you on and on and on and no matter how hard you try you can't stop it until you're exhausted, all energy spent. I can easily understand, in a previous, less knowledgeable age, how the idea of possession came about. At those times, I achieved so much and then, because of the inevitable payback, always managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. It was like living 2 or 3 lives, all at once, and then having none at all.
But, in my case, a little pill sorts it out. I still get depressions, usually from about now until March, but the manicos have been vanquished.
With respect to Dr Abood, I'm
not trying to preconceive your ailment and I sincerely hope you get the correct diagnosis, tailored to the way that you are and then get the most appropriate and effective treatment. At 32, you have a lot of life still to live and look forward to. The sooner it's sorted the better.