A story touching on liberty, joy and maybe even a little hope.
OP - May 05, 2010, 10:01 PM
So I had something interesting happen today and I just wanted to share and hear your thoughts. Or hear about any similar experiences. Overall, I feel prettttty good about it. Forgive the length, it's the storyteller in me coming out.
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Every morning I get a ride with my neighbours (they live a few doors down). A few other kids from the neighbourhood carpool with us too. These neighbours are muslim, yes, and for as long as I've known them (6 years) I've thought they were fairly religious people.
Now first I should tell you that since becoming an Atheist, I haven't really kept it from my friends--though there are exceptions. I'm just a fairly outspoken person. I can't help it. However, though I can be rash, I'm not entirely stupid.
So during the car-ride this morning, I had no intention of telling them or anyone who has contact with my family and could possibly "out me" so to speak.
But something interesting happened during this car-ride.
Her brother was driving us for one. It was just me, him, and the girl who I shall call "Jane." He will be "Cat."
Now we got to talking about university. Cat will be attending Uni next year and we're both interested in the same field of study so I asked him some questions regarding his plans. When he asked me what I would like to get into after high-school, I gave a few examples: "Evolutionary biology" "Zoology" "biotechnology" or "Genetics."
He nodded and said, "How are you going to sell that [evolutionary biology] to your parents?"
So I explained that my parents already know I believe in evolution and it isn't a problem to me at all. More questions were asked, with which I won't bore you.
Eventually, Jane who didn't really believe we could come from animals asked if I believed in God.
This made me freeze. Normally, with ease and fluidity I would have brushed it off. I've gotten rusty in the facade i've built up over years of practice. I didn't answer, I just asked her if she did.
This made Cat scoff. "Jane, you never pray, you don't read the Quran, how can you call yourself a Muslim anyway?"
Now I am certain that Cat is probably a closet atheist or even an agnostic. I have good hunches about these things and I've suspected for some time. He wouldn't confirm or deny it. He's evasive and always elusive like that. The only thing he admitted was. "There are things science can't answer."
When I said, "But what answers have religion given that are sufficient instead?" He just laughed and shook his head, refusing to answer.
When we arrived at school, I insured him that the conversation wasn't over and I'd be hounding him on the topic again. Unfortunately he said, "I'm never driving you to school again," but I'm hoping he's kidding about that.
The story isn't over.
It turned out, as I found out later when we spoke, that Jane never prays. She fasts but doesn't even pray. so it's worthless really. Nonetheless she claims to believe in God and believes the Quran is true. She admitted that it was only "Just in case."
I translate it to that that ever-present fear of hellfire and the human desire for
"something more after this."
I admitted eventually that I was an atheist. I asked if she hated me now, feeling worried but jubilant at just being able to say it out loud.
"No," She said. "I don't hate you. I don't hate gays, jews, christians, whatever. Why should I hate you now?"
This made me sad. "But gays and apostates are killed and Jews and Christians are tolerated," I wanted to say.
Nonetheless, we talked for a little time and by the end of it she realized I wasn't taking a baseless position, that I knew a little bit about what I was talking. I, being the oh-so-tactful person I am, made some comments regarding the invalidity of the Quran. Everything else was apparently fine. Even disbelieving was okay to her. But me saying that the Quran isn't actually preserved in purity or isn't perfect? Oh, hell no.
"Don't go there," She said, laughing. "Don't go there."
I grinned and tried to talk over her. She listened. I could see the wheels churning. Could see that look a person gets who's thinking hard, that weak expression of doubt. But she claimed to have no doubts.
"I'm just lazy," She claimed. "My mother wasn't religious either in her youth. It took her father's death to push her forward into religiosity."
"Exactly," I claimed. "It's just fear of death, fear of hell that makes anyone believe in any religion. Don't you see that the fear makes you cling on to the religion for dear life?"
She thought for a second, but we were interrupted and we both had to go to class.
After-school, the conversation continued a little. I could tell she wasn't judging me whatsoever for being who I am and I was happy because of this. It gives me hope. She reminds me of myself...only a 4 year younger version of me based on her thoughts.
I feel that there are more Muslims who just need a push in the right direction. I'm not saying atheism is that direction. I just think that a lot of young Muslims (especially in non-Muslim countries) feel that way. It is just in their early adulthood that I find most of them begin to wallow in the depths of religion. If I could just affect one person, would that be so bad?
Somehow a part of me doesn't want to kill her faith and yet it would be so easy. Easier than killing a fly almost--those you have to chase around. Perhaps I shouldn’t use the word “kill”. Maybe I should just say, “ruin.” But In my mind I’m not ruining anything precious, and in reality, I would actually be crushing her faith. Yes, “kill” seems to be the right word. For now.
I can't say I respect her faith or anyone's faith (in terms of religion), but I respect her right to have that faith.
Yet, today I am immensely happy because it made me feel hope (to a certain degree) that perhaps I won't be alienated entirely by my parents when and if I tell them. I hope there are others out there like that. I hope that this generation can create some actual change. I hope that her, and the others, are pushed in the right direction ( away from Islam) and do not succumb to the hypnotism of Islam by the death of a family member, as Cat's mom did, or sheer fear of nothingness after death.
There are things more powerful than that, and I believe you just need to point a person in that direction for them to see it.
As for Cat, I know I will be having a conversation or two with him sometime soon. At least I hope. Perhaps I can get him to admit his atheism. Perhaps not.
There is just so much joy in saying something aloud, simply because I can. I shouldn't feel this happy about simply having stated my own position on something. I should have been able to state it in the first place. But that isn't the world we live in unfortunately.
I hope, I hope, I hope--been using that a lot--that sometime in the future others won't have to feel such immense joy in taking what should be an obvious liberty.
"If intelligence is feminine... I would want that mine would, in a resolute movement, come to resemble an impious woman."
Topic: A story touching on liberty, joy and maybe even a little hope.