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Theme Changer

 Topic: Worst Excuse Ever

 (Read 6726 times)
  • 12 3 Next page « Previous thread | Next thread »
  • Worst Excuse Ever
     OP - October 31, 2008, 03:06 PM

    Quote
    A VICAR turned up in agony at a hospital — with a potato stuck in his bottom.

    The clergyman told stunned casualty nurses he fell backwards on to his kitchen table while hanging curtains.

    He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap.

    Mishap ... potato

    Mishap ... potato

    The embarrassed reverend, in his 50s, had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the offending vegetable.

    The spud was yesterday revealed to be among a litany of objects medics in Sheffield have removed from people’s nether regions.

    Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll — and a carnation.

    Like most of the other patients, the red-faced vicar insisted to staff at the city’s Northern General Hospital that his predicament was NOT the result of a sex game gone wrong.

    A & E nurse Trudi Watson said: “He explained to me, quite sincerely, he had been hanging curtains naked in the kitchen when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table and on to a potato.

    “But it’s not for me to question his story.

    “He had to undergo surgery to have it removed.”

    She admitted some sex-related emergencies had made staff chuckle. But she urged anyone contemplating sticking something where the sun doesn’t shine to think again.

    Ms Watson said: “My advice? Don’t do it.



    “It can be very dangerous and potentially life-threatening.

    “Surgery can lead to infection, nasty scarring, and it could possibly end up with the person having to use a colostomy bag as a result.”

    Health staff across Sheffield, Barnsley, Rotherham and Doncaster say they are no longer surprised at the things people use to spice up fun in the bedroom.

    A hospital trust spokeswoman in Sheffield said: “Like all busy hospitals we do see some unusual accidents.

    “But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way.”


    http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article1876886.ece

    I suppose we've all hung curtains naked at some point in our lives.  And how easy it would be to fall backwards onto an unfortunately placed potato. whistling2

    "Befriend them not, Oh murtads, and give them neither parrot nor bunny."  - happymurtad's advice on trolls.
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #1 - October 31, 2008, 03:10 PM

     Cheesy Oh how embarrassing that must have been for him.

    "I came into the world imbued with the will to find a meaning in things, my spirit filled with the desire to attain to the source of the world, and then I found that I was an object in the midst of other objects" - Fanon
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #2 - October 31, 2008, 03:13 PM

    atleast theres no little boys involved

    I chose to get circumcised at 17, don't tell me I never believed.
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #3 - October 31, 2008, 03:14 PM

    atleast theres no little boys involved


    But think of the poor potato. Cry

    "Befriend them not, Oh murtads, and give them neither parrot nor bunny."  - happymurtad's advice on trolls.
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #4 - October 31, 2008, 03:16 PM

    Wonder if he kept it as a souvenier or future meal. vomit

    "I came into the world imbued with the will to find a meaning in things, my spirit filled with the desire to attain to the source of the world, and then I found that I was an object in the midst of other objects" - Fanon
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #5 - October 31, 2008, 03:17 PM

    atleast theres no little boys involved


    But think of the poor potato. Cry


    fuck the potato
    ...
    Cheesy

    I chose to get circumcised at 17, don't tell me I never believed.
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #6 - October 31, 2008, 05:20 PM

    Falling on a Shampoo bottle, perhaps, but a potato, nah. And thanx Awais for the imagery you forcefully inserted in my head.


    "Ask the slave girl; she will tell you the truth.' So the Apostle called Burayra to ask her. Ali got up and gave her a violent beating first, saying, 'Tell the Apostle the truth.'"
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #7 - October 31, 2008, 05:43 PM

    . And thanx Awais for the imagery you forcefully inserted in my head.




    Those three words together - Baal, forcefully and inserted, they go together so well.

    Ha ha.
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #8 - October 31, 2008, 07:21 PM

    Cheesy Oh how embarrassing that must have been for him.


    As embarrassing as waving your willy to the world at large just prior to the fall?

    Religion is ignorance giftwrapped in lyricism.
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #9 - October 31, 2008, 07:22 PM

    atleast theres no little boys involved


    But think of the poor potato. Cry

    Yeah, I'll bet it was all eyes.

    Religion is ignorance giftwrapped in lyricism.
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #10 - October 31, 2008, 07:23 PM

    Falling on a Shampoo bottle, perhaps, but a potato, nah. And thanx Awais for the imagery you forcefully inserted in my head.



    At least it wasn't a 2 kg potato. Now, about this shampoo bottle?

    Religion is ignorance giftwrapped in lyricism.
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #11 - October 31, 2008, 08:16 PM

    forcefully inserted


    I chose to get circumcised at 17, don't tell me I never believed.
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #12 - October 31, 2008, 08:24 PM

    Wonder if he kept it as a souvenier or future meal. vomit

    Well, he certainly kept it as a souvenir.

    Religion is ignorance giftwrapped in lyricism.
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #13 - October 31, 2008, 08:28 PM

    Quote
    “But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way.”


    By blabbing to The Sun? Huh?  Roll Eyes
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #14 - October 31, 2008, 08:28 PM

    Btw, whatever happened to the doctor patient confidentiality thingie? Or is it okay as long as they mention everything down to the weight of the potato but not the name of the potato's new girlfriend?

    "Ask the slave girl; she will tell you the truth.' So the Apostle called Burayra to ask her. Ali got up and gave her a violent beating first, saying, 'Tell the Apostle the truth.'"
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #15 - October 31, 2008, 10:05 PM

    This is a good one. I'll never be able to look at a vicar the same way again. whistling2
    The funny thing is that you can bet everyone in his parish will know the story in no time, and he'll be feeling very uncomfortable next time he gets in the pulpit.  Cheesy

    If you think your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself.
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #16 - November 01, 2008, 08:19 AM

     Cheesy That is just classic.

  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #17 - November 01, 2008, 08:24 AM

    Well he should just thank the Lord that there wasn't a pumpkin on that table. He could have been seriously injured.

    If you think your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself.
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #18 - November 01, 2008, 09:34 AM

    Well he should just thank the Lord that there wasn't a pumpkin on that table. He could have been seriously injured.



    bananas, carrots, leaks, parsnips, cucumbers,etc - fine. Why choose a potato? Baal, Zaephon, perhaps you can answer this?

    Ha ha.
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #19 - November 01, 2008, 09:38 AM

    Maybe he was bored with the standard vegetables and wanted a challenge.

    If you think your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself.
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #20 - November 01, 2008, 10:49 AM

    Maybe he was bored with the standard vegetables and wanted a challenge.

    Well, he'd done fruit, salad and root crops, and thought he'd try tubers for a change.

    Religion is ignorance giftwrapped in lyricism.
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #21 - November 02, 2008, 02:30 PM

    Here's one version of a similar story that has been circulating on the internet for years.

    Quote
    Two men were seriously injured today, during what authorities say is a deviate, dangerous, and highly illegal sexual practice. Vito Bustone sustained second-degree burns to his face and scalp while Kiki Rodriguez, his partner, suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
    The act that caused so much agony is known in the gay community as "felching". This involves the insertion of a cardboard tube into the rectum followed by the introduction of a rodent (usually a Gerbil), which is forced up the tube into the lower intestine. Problems started when Bustone could not retrieve the Gerbil from Rodriguez's anus. Rodriguez had orgasmed and demanded the removal of the rodent. Bustone however could not see up the tube. To help him see, he lit a match lighting intestinal gas tapped in the tube. The flame shot up the tube lighting the the fur of the Gerbil, and detonating a larger pocket of Gas behind the hapless animal.
    The ensuing explosion shot the flaming Gerbil down the pipeline into Bustone's face causing the burns. Sheriff Hugo Root told the Reporters "It serves the faggots right".

  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #22 - November 02, 2008, 02:41 PM

    How inventive. Its probably a good thing those two are gay, and are not contributing to the gene pool.

    I just feel sorry for the gerbil...

    Life is a sexually transmitted disease which is invariably fatal.
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #23 - November 02, 2008, 02:49 PM

    That gives us a whole new meaning to the term Gerbil Tunnel.

     Cheesy Cheesy

    I was not blessed with the ability to have blind faith. I cant beleive something just because someone says its true.
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #24 - November 02, 2008, 03:24 PM

    I'm sure some inventive artist could come up with some artwork based on the story.
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #25 - November 02, 2008, 03:27 PM

    Cheesy

    I chose to get circumcised at 17, don't tell me I never believed.
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #26 - November 02, 2008, 03:45 PM

    Here's one version of a similar story that has been circulating on the internet for years.

    Quote
    Two men were seriously injured today, during what authorities say is a deviate, dangerous, and highly illegal sexual practice. Vito Bustone sustained second-degree burns to his face and scalp while Kiki Rodriguez, his partner, suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
    The act that caused so much agony is known in the gay community as "felching". This involves the insertion of a cardboard tube into the rectum followed by the introduction of a rodent (usually a Gerbil), which is forced up the tube into the lower intestine. Problems started when Bustone could not retrieve the Gerbil from Rodriguez's anus. Rodriguez had orgasmed and demanded the removal of the rodent. Bustone however could not see up the tube. To help him see, he lit a match lighting intestinal gas tapped in the tube. The flame shot up the tube lighting the the fur of the Gerbil, and detonating a larger pocket of Gas behind the hapless animal.
    The ensuing explosion shot the flaming Gerbil down the pipeline into Bustone's face causing the burns. Sheriff Hugo Root told the Reporters "It serves the faggots right".



    I didn't think felching involved gerbils.  wacko

    EDIT: I was right: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Felching

    vomit in either case.

    "I came into the world imbued with the will to find a meaning in things, my spirit filled with the desire to attain to the source of the world, and then I found that I was an object in the midst of other objects" - Fanon
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #27 - November 02, 2008, 06:47 PM

    I wish I hadn't clicked on that wiki link.  I could have happily lived my whole life without knowing what felching meant. vomit

    "Befriend them not, Oh murtads, and give them neither parrot nor bunny."  - happymurtad's advice on trolls.
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #28 - November 02, 2008, 06:58 PM

    I wish I hadn't clicked on that wiki link.  I could have happily lived my whole life without knowing what felching meant. vomit


     Cheesy

    I found out on a thread at another forum a couple of years ago.  For awhile it was fun to call people "felchers"  Cheesy

    "I came into the world imbued with the will to find a meaning in things, my spirit filled with the desire to attain to the source of the world, and then I found that I was an object in the midst of other objects" - Fanon
  • Re: Worst Excuse Ever
     Reply #29 - November 23, 2008, 06:23 AM

    Worst Excuse Ever Part 2.

    I doubt this is of enough interest to non-Irish people to warrant a thread on its own, but is this the silliest defense ever brought before a court of law?

    Quote
    Michael Stone guilty of murder attempt on Sinn Féin leaders
    Loyalist paramilitary convicted of attempting to murder Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness


    Michael Stone, the loyalist paramilitary, was today found guilty of attempting to murder the Sinn Féin leaders, Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness.

    Stone had claimed that his attack on the Northern Ireland parliament in 2006 was a piece of performance art.

    That argument was rejected today by Mr Justice Deeney in Belfast crown court, who said it was "wholly undeserved of belief".

    The 53-year-old convicted killer was also found guilty of seven other counts, including possession of nail bombs, three knives, a garrotte and an axe, as well as causing criminal damage to the Stormont building.

    During the four-and-a-half-week trial, defence lawyers argued the weapons were all "props" and that letters Stone sent to two journalists outlining his intention to kill the senior republicans were part of his "script".

    After the verdict was read out, Stone, dressed in trademark denim jacket and jeans, shouted from the dock: "It is another concession to the Shinners [Sinn Féin]."

    Stone's attack was captured by TV film crews who were covering developments in the political process at Belfast's parliament buildings.

    Stone was filmed bursting through the main door and was wrestled to the ground by two security guards, who were honoured for their bravery.

    It happened months before the historic power-sharing deal between Sinn Féin and the Democratic Unionists on the day McGuinness was due to be nominated as Northern Ireland's new deputy first minister.

    Stone is a former Ulster Defence Association member who gained notoriety in 1988 after killing three mourners in a gun and grenade attack on an Irish Republican Army funeral at Milltown cemetery in west Belfast.

    He was released from prison in 2000 under the Good Friday agreement.

    He said his appearance at Stormont was a piece of theatre intended to expose the hypocrisy of the politicians.

    During the trial, which lasted four and a half weeks, Stone said his intervention had saved the peace process by giving Sinn Féin and the DUP some breathing space to reach their final settlement.

    Crown barristers dismissed his claim as a ludicrous attempt to explain away a calculated murder bid.

    When arrested, Stone told police: "I would have got in and stabbed Adams and McGuinness, cut their throats." But he changed his story in December 2006, when he said his actions were performance art and that nails in the bombs were confetti.

    Deeney said defence evidence that Stone had been taking part in some sort of a "comic parody" was "hopelessly unconvincing" and "self-contradictory".

    The judge added that even if Stone was acting, that was no justification for criminal behaviour.

    "It is clear to me that some action constituting performance art cannot justify the use of violence, the threat of violence or putting others at risk of violence," he said.

    The trial, which was interrupted in June when Stone sacked members of his legal team, ended in late September and Deeney has taken six weeks to reach his final judgment.

    Stone will be sentenced next month.


    http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2008/nov/14/michael-stone-gerry-adams-uda-northern-ireland

    The article doesn't mention it, but it was a female guard who wrestled him to the floor.  I would have made that the headline - "Tough Loyalist Killer Beaten Up By A Girl."   Cheesy

    "Befriend them not, Oh murtads, and give them neither parrot nor bunny."  - happymurtad's advice on trolls.
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