Unconscious fears/guilt, fears of diseases, pregnancy etc.
OP - November 27, 2016, 04:53 PM
Hello everyone!
Something like a year ago I posted about things I learned about sex (post-apostasy) and how everything is normal and dandy.
Now a year later, after having had 6 UTIs in 6 months, going to a urologist, having to admit that they were all caused by having sex, getting antibiotics to take after each sexy time, having tried 4 different birth control methods and having most not work propertly and now starting to get yeast infections... I am kind of reconsidering the dandiness of it all, because I just feel broken. I feel like I don't work properly, I always have some issue, I always fall into the 1-5% of unlucky people for most things.
I just got into a new relationship (3 months) and the guy is absolutely wonderful, we get along so well, we have so many projects, we can't get enough from each other, he is also super caring, kind and since he struggles with depression and anxiety he has a lot of empathy and is very open about his feelings. The only thing that is a bit inhibited is sex, because despite me not having any UTI when I take an antibiotic afterwards, I still feel very tense down there at the beginning, even though after a while it's fine and pleasurable. But sometimes it also burns and hurts so I am right away super worried about having some infection or other condition... Since so many things have gone wrong since I started having sex, I am just constantly worried that SOMETHING will go wrong again, it's starting to eat me up inside.
I am starting to think that maybe, despite me having thrown all the sex negative ideas of Islam and Abrahamic societies in general out of the window (I live in Europe btw), there could unconscious fears still remaining somewhere inside... When I was a Muslim I was very obedient concerning all that, I had never even french kissed a guy before, I would never have been able to have sex because I had scared myself away from it by telling myself that no birth control is a 100% efficient and that I could still get pregnant and get very bad side effects, also all sorts of diseases. Now that I am finally sexually active (started last year, I was 25), all these things happen in such a short period of time and sometimes I have a little voice telling me "You wouldn't have all that if you didn't have sex, you know? You kind of brought it on yourself", I sort of imagine that someone could tell me that, that I don't deserve to have a happy sex life, that that's just the way it is for women. It is in a way what doctors tell me, that "some women are just prone to UTIs and we don't know why, that's just how it is, I am sorry". The mere fact that I have to take medication to have sex makes me feel guilty, because I am harming my body on the long term, just so I can have sex... I feel frivolous, as if I shouldn't... Yet I know that I have the right to a normal sex life, but maybe part of me still doesn't really believe it...
Has anyone else had something similar? Did you have fears regarding sex the first years (pain, pregnancy scares, fear of diseases, fear of inadequacy, body issues...)?
Since this subjects makes me tear up instantly when I talk about it, I decided to call in planned parenthood tomorrow, because they have counselling for a variety of problems, including sex related anxieties. I want to get rid of my fears and hopefully stop getting ill so frequently. I want a normal sex life and not feel guilty for even thinking about wanting that.
Topic: Unconscious fears/guilt, fears of diseases, pregnancy etc.