Hey guys. It's Ramadan and most of our families are extra religious (mine included).
My family has begun to listen to me and my doubts. This is very strange seeing that it is ramadan and you would expect them to be super close minded now, normally they don't want to listen but instead they are completely different.
They really value honestly, no matter how I try to show them Islam has human origins and is not divine or even immaculate by the most lenient standards, they still retain their blind faith and at the same time want to know more about what I think.
They retain their blind faith even though they have this fairly liberal view on the religion. They still force me to do things I don't want to like Taraweeh and some fasts but nonetheless they can not see any flaws in their reasoning.
They refuse to consider they are wrong but they still listen to me. They become less strict with me when I talk about my doubts, but I found they are being hurt on a deep level. They really believe I am being influenced by the devil and the other day I saw both my parents crying in their bedroom (I started to eavesdrop, they were crying because they are convinced I left Islam which I did and they now feel like failures for not being able to pass on the faith to even one generation in North America); I am not an emotional person at all, but it was unbearable for me to see my parents in this state, to make matters worse they wouldn't get crazy or anything, they would just take it and I guess assume they are being punished from god. It really hurt when I saw the dissapointment and fear they had, they didn't want to put me in a difficult place by trying to convince me Islam is true because they realize I am much smarter than them and I have high expectations for belief that they do not understand, instead they let me be who I am and just swallowed the pain and guilt of not raising a proper child who will now be tormented for eternity. It is killing them and I can't sit here watching it happen
Now I want to completely end any conversations of religion with them and start pretending to believe in Islam again taking part in the rituals. So they think I just had temporary doubts, I do not want to be the cause of unnecessary pain for them even if it means me being the bigger man and putting my wishes second to them.
I won't die if I stop drinking and consuming pork and being anti-religion. I guess this is what it means truly loving family no matter their flaws (understanding they can't change and don't deserve to live out their golden years in mental torment of the thought of their son going to hell; everyone deserves to be happy, especially the people that left their families and community and traveled to North America in hopes of giving their kids opportunities they never had and struggled to make ends meet so their kids could have a childhood they never had; at some point I need to let them enjoy their lives for once and for all and not worry about paying bills or the afterlife of their offspring).
Have any of you guys experienced anything remotely similar to this?
What did you guys do and if you could turn back time would you act differently knowing what you know now?
Thanks, I needed to get this off this off my shoulders, it was too much to bottle up.
Topic: Between a rock and a hard place