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 Topic: Distressed Ex-muslim

 (Read 5986 times)
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  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     OP - March 13, 2016, 08:30 PM
    Hello,

    I’ve been thinking about doing this for a while now, because I feel very few truly get what it’s like. I grew up in a Muslim family in the UK, and I’d say they were pretty strict. I started to have doubts when I was 16, but I didn't fully leave religion until recently. After having read a huge amount on the topic, on philosophy and speaking to different people, I made the informed choice to not associate myself with it.

    The only issue is that I can't be honest with my parents. I think something like this would hurt them so much, and I just don’t have it in me to do that to them. What is worse is that I still wear a hijab because of that, even though I hate the idea of it. I have no idea how this will resolve, because every possible scenario right now distresses me. I have no idea what to do, and this has had a substantial effect on my mental health.

    It would be good to speak to people in similar positions.
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #1 - March 13, 2016, 08:40 PM
    Welcome to the forum!  I'm not an ex-Muslim myself, but I consider myself an ally. 

    Have you checked out the Ex Muslim Reddit? 

    https://www.reddit.com/r/exmuslim

    Also, you might find this page to be inspirational:

    https://www.quora.com/Ex-Muslims/Why-did-you-stop-following-Islam
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #2 - March 14, 2016, 01:57 AM
    Welcome! parrot
    There are many here who have been in the same situation, and the tried and true advice over your situation is to wait, be patient, get your financial independence and then come out.
    You are not alone, not at all. It is intensely frustrating, to be in this Catch-22, but the safest way is the best way.
    Don't let Hitler have the street.
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #3 - March 14, 2016, 04:42 PM
    Thank you so much! It feels good to know someone understands because no one around me has ever been in such a situation. I have to wait at least 3 more years which feels like a lifetime but I know there are people in much worse situations than me.
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #4 - March 15, 2016, 01:58 AM
    Many here have had to wait that long and even longer. Don´t worry about it, time spans not an entire distance from now to then but rather a series of small moments. You only have to get to the next moment. One step at a time.
    Don't let Hitler have the street.
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #5 - March 15, 2016, 02:45 AM
     parrot Welcome!  dance
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #6 - March 17, 2016, 10:53 AM
    Actually, I think it depends on some factors.
    Are your parents originally Muslims or converted?
    What are their ethnic origins?
    Are they sticking to their community?

    It will be very hard to face the family. Keep it secret.
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #7 - March 17, 2016, 10:55 AM
    I am in  UK too yes keep it secret
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #8 - March 17, 2016, 04:47 PM
    Quote from: Free mind on March 17, 2016, 10:53 AM
    Actually, I think it depends on some factors.
    Are your parents originally Muslims or converted?
    What are their ethnic origins?
    Are they sticking to their community?

    It will be very hard to face the family. Keep it secret.


    They are original muslim, origins Syrian. Yeh they are very attached to their community where we live, so it will be very difficult for them to deal with me doing something like taking off my hijab.
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #9 - March 17, 2016, 04:47 PM
    Quote from: Helaine on March 15, 2016, 02:45 AM
    parrot Welcome!  dance


    Thank you! I'm still quite overwhelmed, I dont know how best to use this site but I'm exploring
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #10 - March 17, 2016, 05:58 PM
    Hey, I am in your shoes too, it sucks that you need to pretend you agree with the insane doctrine of Mo but you gotta act around parents. I still go to the mosque regularly and people still think I am quite religious. Now I look at it as practicing theater or something rather than the inability to express my true feelings, it makes coping easier.

    Until you have the opportunity to start your own independent life, I would say its probably best to keep pretending and take solace in the fact that there are thousands of people going through the same thing as you and using a change of mindset you can try to make it feel less worse that it really is.

    Although you can not reduce those cringe-worthy experiences: like when they talk about how the companions loved Mo more than their kids and would rather let their kids starve to death than break a prayer with Mo; this is ridiculous to us but I think controlling your expression and not expressing disdain at these "scenarios" is probably the hardest thing to do; if you can get past this, everything else is a breeze.

    I guess I am saying to find a way to get your mind off of this, think of this like being in a different country and you are not trying to offend others so you keep you mouth shut on their customs that you do not take part in.

     far away hug
    As a scientist I can see farther than any human before me by standing on the shoulders of giants (previous scientists); As a religious follower I can not see what is right in-front of me, even when others INDEPENDENTLY see the same thing!
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #11 - July 10, 2016, 01:46 AM
    Wow that's probably the most useful advice I've had from anyone. Thank you so much! I feel for you, completely understand about the cringeworthy comments. They kill me. But Ive perfected my poker face haha. I just wish this issue didn't mean so much, and didnt have such dreadful consequences.
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #12 - July 10, 2016, 09:52 AM
    I just wanna say we who come out atheist from muslim parents don't have to waste our youth living with lies pretending. Sometimes honesty is better off but ofc there're consequences and I hope you don't feel guilty bcz you don't wanna hurt your parents. I have abusive family and I wanted it to stop so I told them I don't believe in your religion anymore and years now it become ok for me not have to pray or fast. And I learned respect is not freely given, it is earned. You don’t owe anyone respect. You do not owe anyone anything!
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #13 - July 10, 2016, 10:33 AM
    Quote from: three on March 14, 2016, 01:57 AM
    Welcome! parrot
    There are many here who have been in the same situation, and the tried and true advice over your situation is to wait, be patient, get your financial independence and then come out.
    You are not alone, not at all. It is intensely frustrating, to be in this Catch-22, but the safest way is the best way.


    For some of us our means of earning are so integral to the Muslim community e.g. Halal butcher, Quran/ Arabic teacher, Haj operator etc

    It would be good to hear of experiences from anyone in that situation.
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #14 - July 10, 2016, 07:56 PM
    I understand, Kroger.

    I've come out as an atheist to my sister and my 18 year old daughter, but there's no way I'll ever tell my parents.

    It's not that they would punish me for it, but it would break their hearts. They believe that part of their duty as Muslim parents is to raise Muslim kids, and while I believe they raised me well enough (the evidence being that I was open minded to seek answers when the answers provided made less and less sense), I will maintain a fiction for them out of love for them, and respect for their values.
    The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. They don't alter their views to fit the facts. They alter the facts to fit their views. Which can be uncomfortable if you're one of the facts that needs altering
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #15 - July 11, 2016, 11:11 PM
    Quote from: Pyofue on July 10, 2016, 09:52 AM
    I just wanna say we who come out atheist from muslim parents don't have to waste our youth living with lies pretending. Sometimes honesty is better off but ofc there're consequences and I hope you don't feel guilty bcz you don't wanna hurt your parents. I have abusive family and I wanted it to stop so I told them I don't believe in your religion anymore and years now it become ok for me not have to pray or fast. And I learned respect is not freely given, it is earned. You don’t owe anyone respect. You do not owe anyone anything!


    I think the guilt is difficult to get rid of. It's something so ingrained in my upbringing that even when I'm away from my parents I don't feel like I can truly enjoy something that is perceived to be 'haram'. Thanks I appreciate your comments and I admire your courage to be honest with your parents. I only wish that I can come to that someday, for my own sanity.
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #16 - July 11, 2016, 11:13 PM
    Quote from: envixer on July 10, 2016, 07:56 PM
    I understand, Kroger.

    I've come out as an atheist to my sister and my 18 year old daughter, but there's no way I'll ever tell my parents.

    It's not that they would punish me for it, but it would break their hearts. They believe that part of their duty as Muslim parents is to raise Muslim kids, and while I believe they raised me well enough (the evidence being that I was open minded to seek answers when the answers provided made less and less sense), I will maintain a fiction for them out of love for them, and respect for their values.


    Exactly. I need to reach a point where living the way I want to live and maintaining a pretence to my parents is easier, as right now it seems impossible. Not many people understand that I don't want to hurt them. They were good enough parents, they just truly believe it's their duty to raise me up to be a practising muslim. It will seem like their own failure if they haven't achieved that.
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #17 - July 12, 2016, 02:27 AM
    Always amazes me how brave everyone is.
    "Work without hope draws nectar in a sieve, and hope without an object cannot live." -Coleridge

    http://sinofgreed.wordpress.com/
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #18 - July 12, 2016, 06:56 AM
    Quote from: kroger on July 11, 2016, 11:11 PM
    I think the guilt is difficult to get rid of. It's something so ingrained in my upbringing that even when I'm away from my parents I don't feel like I can truly enjoy something that is perceived to be 'haram'. Thanks I appreciate your comments and I admire your courage to be honest with your parents. I only wish that I can come to that someday, for my own sanity.


     far away hug

    We really need to sign you up for "Beer and Bacon-therapy"!

    That aside, I do not think there is one "correct way of doing it".
    It is about what works for you.
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #19 - July 12, 2016, 11:26 AM
    Welcome to the forum kroger, have a rabbit!  bunny

    Many have been in similar situations to yourself here. You only need to read through some of the introductions to see that. I hope you find advice here that you seek.  Afro

    Quote from: three on March 15, 2016, 01:58 AM
    Many here have had to wait that long and even longer. Don´t worry about it, time spans not an entire distance from now to then but rather a series of small moments. You only have to get to the next moment. One step at a time.


    Listen to this one. She is wise. She is smart.  001_wub
    Quote from: yeezevee on February 11, 2016, 02:05 PM
    how fuck works without shit??


    Let's Play Chess!

    harakaat, friend, RIP
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #20 - July 12, 2016, 11:28 AM
    Welcome  parrot
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #21 - July 12, 2016, 12:57 PM
    Quote from: kroger on July 11, 2016, 11:13 PM
    Exactly. I need to reach a point where living the way I want to live and maintaining a pretence to my parents is easier, as right now it seems impossible. Not many people understand that I don't want to hurt them. They were good enough parents, they just truly believe it's their duty to raise me up to be a practising muslim. It will seem like their own failure if they haven't achieved that.


    As long as you have your own place, it gets easier. Initially, the release from the confines imposed by faith can make the pretence feel claustrophobic, but what I've found is that, after a while (I quit the faith in 2008), it's easy to slip into old habits, with a few new ones.

    Don't rush to tell them if you feel uncomfortable doing so. Take your time  Smiley
    The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. They don't alter their views to fit the facts. They alter the facts to fit their views. Which can be uncomfortable if you're one of the facts that needs altering
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #22 - July 20, 2016, 02:35 PM

    I was in my late 30's when i realised that i didnt  believe, by which point i  had a practicing wife and two kids.
    My whole family/friends support network is muslim.
    So i have decided for now to stay in the closet mostly because i have too much to lose by coming out
    And im in controll of my life, and mostly can do what i want anyway.

    Below is how i would have manged things if i were to give my young self some advice, apart from the hijab bit cos im a dude.

    find a way to get rid of the hijab, if your parents are like most of the muslims in the UK, then they will be surprised and upset initially, but will get over it.
    Make some good friends.  Uni is a great place to make some life long friends
    make the right friends
    get independent in a good way, i.e get started on a career, not a job.
    find a way to deal with having to pretend until you have control of your life.

    when you are in a better position, then start testing your family to see how they would react to your apostasy. 
    when i tried to tell my wife, she reacted very angrily and threw up in the toilet, so i decided not to come out.  She just thinks im a bad Muslim now.

    If you think that they would react badly, then get a job in a different city, and just move.  people get used to things more easily than you think. 
    Create a community of like minded people around you(this forum is not enough)
    if you live in a different city, and your parents get used to you not practicing, then you may be able to get on with life, without needing to come out fully, and keep your relationship with your family alive too.
    i have a cousin, who has never left islam(i dont know her views on Islam), but she married a non practicing Sikh, and ive seen bottles of wine in her house, everyone in the family has just go used to her being a bit distant, and not practicing, without needing to break any relations.

    just my two cents worth, hope there is something helpful in there



    A perfectly just God who sentences his imperfect creation to infinite punishment for finite sins is impossible
  • Distressed Ex-muslim
     Reply #23 - July 20, 2016, 04:37 PM
    Good advice, Aside!

    I will add also that the network of friends you make will also help. To have people that you can talk to who don't judge you for who you are is priceless.
    The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. They don't alter their views to fit the facts. They alter the facts to fit their views. Which can be uncomfortable if you're one of the facts that needs altering
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