Hello guys I would like to start off with that I'm not really good with explaining things properly So I might miss some crucial details. So I might make annother introduction (hopefully not because I want to do everything in one gulp). Also please excuse my grammar I make alot of mistakes even after rereading my wrting. So before I start my story I want to say that I'm a muslim, but not 100% muslim. I mean I feel like sometimes Islam is right and sometimes it is wrong.
Anyways my journey towards questioning my faith came with this forum. I was intriged to see many ex muslims and thought that muslims who left Islam were fake since I saw many videos posted like that in youtube. I still think they are fake, although only a very few of them. The recent ones seems pretty real to me. Anyways I started to doubt my faith like around one year ago? It came down to hell first as in why would god put people in hell, espeically forever for "sins" like not praying or even worshipping another "god" besides him? This thing was in the back of my subconcious for some time, but I never even gave like 30 seconds of thought to it lol. Soon I started to think about this question and then I looked up online to see if anyone had the same opinion. It was on reddit, and what he said about this topic really catched my attention. He said that if a man commited crimes for 120 years, should he be punished for an eternity? I was like in my head WOW. There was actually someone who thought the same thing as me! I realized that what he said sounds true and it kinda made me happy. So I looked for other "errors" in Islam (note I am putting quotes because I'm still undecided if Islam is true or not) and I found a couple such as
Men can have 4 wives but women cannot - I heard that during wars in the 600's A.D women are left alone when men were fighting. And the "only" way to take care of the kids, do the laundry, clean the house, etc was to get help from your husband's wives. And I think to myself (song pun intended) that why not get help from the neighbor's wives you know? I mean that woulf be A LOT better than sharing the bed with three other wives.
Beating women lightly - Ya like that's going to help her listen to you pfft, also she's not a dog or an animal which reminds me....
Not having dogs as pets - Most of the dog owners are not poisoned with saliva or anything like that. Yes dogs are more prone to attack (probably they have snouts) but that doesn't happen all the time.
Women wear hijabs - I heard that nowhere in the quran mentions that women have to cover their hair. Also WHY?? If I can show my hair, you guessed it I'm a guy
then why can't a girl show their hair? Was the quran verse talking about the head?? So is it suppose to be like a kuffi (don't know if it's kuffi or tuffi) or like a yamacha? Too confusing.
Can't date and not have sex before marriage - Marriage is the same thing as long time relationships between a bf/gf except that for marriage you need to sign a contract.
Little things like not plucking eyebrow, not drawing animated things, eating haram food. - I really wanted to draw anime and make fan made comic books one day and maybe post it up online so everyone could see it OR make a board game with orgami human/orgre/dragon figures, but NOPE. Those are haram. Plucking eyebrows is kind of a stress for me because I always have to shave my unibrow to make my eyebrows look better, and even shave some of my left and right eyebrows so that my unibrow won't grow back for awhile (I keep shaving it though. It's pretty annoying).
Men get more power than women - I'm pretty sure this is self explanatory with the court case and such. Although I do think that the wife keeping all of her income to herself is a good thing, but there needs to be more of that stuff in order to have better rights.
The solar system - I recently heard that (from yasir qadhi) there may be aliens in outerspace. It was mentioned in the quran a couple of times that god has creations between the heavens and the earth. I'm GUESSING they're jinns?
Also one other thing. Why does god test like .001 % of the whole universe? I mean it's pretty weird.
OK so those, and many other things were and many more things, which I can't really think of the top of my head now, are basically the reason why I have doubts.
Reasons why I "believe?" in Islam
I get "signs" from Allah - This is a HUGE one. Because my mom and my sister (my dad is kind of slow in religion. He prays and fast but he doesn't really dua much) are really religious. Both of them strongly believe that black magic can ruin your life like crazy. I believe that too but not to their extent. My mom reads the quran and duas like 4 hours a day, every morning. My sister reads the quran a lot and duas a lot too, though she can't do too much due to education. And,here's weird part. They get dreams, or some feelings of what's happening or what might happen in the near future (for the latter they get this feeling less thanthe first one.) And I think it's just REALLY crazy, because it just comes true. My mom and sister always tells me to recite duas and stuff. I use to recite them when I goto school. Now I only recite them if I feel afraid or when I desperately need something. Here's another weird part. When I go to the train for school and if the train stops, and I recite ayatul kursi a couple of times, the train would start moving. If I don't recite the dua, the train won't move until like15 or 20 minutes later and then I arrive to school super late. Also when I didn't study for a test I usally say laillah illal la when getting back to the test and I get around the grade that I wanted. I also say this when I need help in stuff and sometimes I get what I need. Anyways thats weird because I'm a VERY lazy student which reminds me when i entered college. Never been lazier in my whole life, and I kind of blame my mom for too much of overprotection. She's a really sweet mother, but half the times she goes overboard with protecting me and stuff. My sister's like that too, but she's more understanding than my mother.
I wanna share a few more "signs" that I get before I'm done. BTW I'm SUPER sorry that this post is mega long but I'm almost finished.
One "sign" that freaked me out, like probably the most, are the jinns. So I'm a 20 guy, with no gf/wife, so I usually masturbate in the bathroom. When I go to sleep at the end of the day I feel something crawling on my body .As soon as I touch the part of my body that I feel being "crawled on", I feel that shivers down my spine kind of feeling. If I don't touch it, or rather any part of my bofy at that time, the "crawling" seems to grow bigger and bigger, as if someone's actually on top of me or sleeping right next to me! As usual this scares me like heck so I recite the three quls, spit into my hand three times, and run through my body with my hands. As soon as I do that the crawling is gone. If I don't do this I usually get a nightmare, where someone or something is hurting me. And it feels SO real!! The funny thing is that when I don't masturbate none of this "crawling" stuff happens to me. Heck half the times I'm done relieveing myself in the bathroom, I feel something go onto my back. I'm guessing these crawling things are the jinns.
One last thing why I "believe" Islam may be real. I always wondered how the solar system was made and how the sun was not too far awway, or too close to us, and and how the earth is moving nicely around the sun while having the moon control it's weather. I wonder if god is true because of this. But then again, I'm not for sure.
Backtracking, I have more "signs" like these but I can't really list them all. In the end I have a great desire for Islam to be fake than real, because then I would truly feel like a big burden would be lifted off my shoulders. Either that OR no more "signs" coming to me anymore. I want to leave Islam but I also want to stick to it. I honeslty dont know what to do. So what do you guys think? Also did you ever get like "signs" like mine or something different, and if you did did you think of it as a coincedence? I just want to know if there are "muslims" like me that are struggling on the decision to leave the belief or not.
Anyways peace and it was nice talking to you guys.
Topic: Exmuslim/Muslim?