Finally, my intro..
OP - November 24, 2015, 10:53 AM
Hi All,
(I apologize upfront for this long read, but I cannot do otherwise)
I have been a member of CEM for quite a while now but never got to the moment where I felt like I needed to announce this louder than I already try in my daily life or get into touch with other ex-Muslims. I realize that I might have underestimated the power of knowing you're not the only one in a deep mess that feels like quicksand to your knees when giving any attention to horrible and extreme conservatives in islam.
I was born and raised in an Arabian country and due to a change in my dad's work we moved to Western Europe early on in my childhood. From seeing such a contrast between a Gulf country and a country that is famous for its' tolerance history, I had no choice but to be be really engaged in history, philosophy and sociological studies. Ofcourse during this time, I was trying more and more self-studies in Islam because I wanted to compare the beauty of the two cultures/ cultural values for virtue and find out what is true wisdom and what is not; especially since my family was really religious and engaged in Islam, although claiming to be moderate Muslims, but with a steady iron fist. Because of this, I went through hell my entire childhood and teenage life. I feel like my parents and sisters are brainwashed and I've slowly become the black sheep in the family for being this openminded since ever.
I feel like Islam caused me to be estranged from my family now.
Islam has caused:
My dad to have been leading a double life since forever, not caring about real responsibility and connection with us and being obsessed with the bigger islamic picture of life (behaving and looking islamic), cheating and lying because in Islam there's no room for change and there's less consideration for the wife (or even wives) and women in general.
My father never lifted a finger to try out something new from other than what he knows, because 'you can not doubt Islam'.
Like this double life and almost no connection wasn't already enough from him, now he has always been trying to tell me what and what not to do. He has been angry with me for a month for going on my study exchange to China. However, he did 'forget about it' just lately.
If you find the description of my dad to be horrible, then there is more for you. Islam has ruined my contact with my mother because:
- She does not like the changes in me either and does not accept me as a non-Muslim
- like islamic culture wise, she expects that children live up to their mothers wants and needs just like how she has made me have a study delay because she wanted to control what I study and demanded of things I tried and failed at miserably because their simply not in my interest. Even now after I am finally graduating from the studychoice i forcefully made, she wants to decide for me which master degree I am going to be studying next.
I forgave her for all of this, even though she used to physically abuse me when I was kid, fractured my nose and made me even want to live up to every impossible expectation of her. Even when she blamed me for the cause of her heart problems and heart attack because of my so called rebellion.
Lastly, I lost my youngest sister who never even remembered to live in an Arab country
In the western country where I am in, they test your capabilities in the last year of primary school before you're able to go to the type of high school and further education. Since my older sister had already studied medicine school and I scored the highest on that test and then went to law school my mother always praised us a lot and too much (which is insane). When my younger sister received one of the lowest score my mother has been putting her down so much that my sister has completely changed into being an obsessed robot student and altered from being a very social, funny and popular girl with the sweetest smile to a depressed, full of anger, stress-eating and incredibly negative and hateful person who studies all day every day for studies that are really hard for her (and normally not of her type or interest) because of my mother.
My mother not only caused this but encourages this with the most twisted behavior a mother could ever do:
Teaching my little sister that, I am like a sister from one of the siblings of Joseph when he was thrown into the ground and left for death by them (from the Quran) teaching her that siblings simply do not care about each other and that I want to see my younger sister become a cleaner/ garbage lady/ 'nowhere in life work-wise' so I would parade around and show off all my so-called study and career success in the end.
I've learnt this only yesterday when I have been ignored by my little sister for months because of one normal comment I was objectively advising her. I got that truth out of my mother yesterday when I tried my all because I really wanted to know why.
Yesterday, when I hanged up the phone shocked after hearing this, aside with negative complaining like usual, I called up my dad and told him this. He hung up on me after telling me to not mind it and leave it (like he always says). For the last time, with all my hope I tried to talk to my sis, telling her that we need a solution for this family behavior once again. She just shut me down and distanced herself from me when I just came with the idea of 'change' or a 'drastic solution'.
After that moment, I knew I was fighting the inevitable; becoming estranged from my lifeless and brainwashed family. This is incredibly hard for me because I lost the people who I once thought of as being closest to me but I simply cannot deal with sucking up to a fake life or becoming something else than me, which I already tried for more than ten years.
Now, at the age of 24 and with a bright, clear and hopefully more rational perspective, I am ready to take on life as it deserves to be lived, with an aim in this life, with gratitude and full of positivity and sheer happiness like I always have been from the littlest things but which energy and characteristic of mine has been completely ignored and shunned by my family. It's weird how I have not been affected much by these life experiences, but I am grateful for that. And being estranged from family and Islam has made space for me to learn about others who are dealing with it from different problems and I hope to learn more and get to know others in this too. I apologize upfront if I later on don't seem very approachable as I seem like now(while I am pouring my heart out) because I slightly have trouble building (deep) connections (working on it) and it might be because of my family history and having been independent almost all my life. I hope you can understand it.
Cheers and thanks for reading this, I apologize for this long read but I just had to get this off my chest. Sorry again.
Topic: Finally, my intro..