Brooding
OP - July 28, 2015, 04:22 AM
I would rather be dreaming. Today, one of my mom’s friends came over, and she and my mother and my sister-in-law had a conversation about how women should dress. My mother and her friend came to the conclusion that girls should be taught to wear the hijab when they reach the age of 9, when they become adults according to Islam. My mom’s friend said that the way a girl wears the hijab should be left up to her, but with guidance from the parents. My mother has a more rigid idea of what hijab should be, and said if force was necessary, then so be it. She’s a fundamentalist. What they ultimately thought was that a woman should dress a lot more modestly once she is married.
I remained silent on the matter, knowing that my opinions would not be welcome, or heard.
The conversation was driving me mad, I got up and pretended to go to the bathroom but I actually went to read a little bit of 1984. I’m slowly making my way through the novel, as I tend to stop and think hard about what I read every few pages. It was the first sex scene. In the book, there’s a group of women called the Anti-Sex League. They’re supposed to be completely pure and lustless. One of the women, Julia, plays the part really well, but she has had sex with scores of men. In the scene, she swiftly removed her clothes and made love to the main character, Winston, and he called it a political act.
It is so jarring to live out one reality but believe in a different one. While I was listening to the stupid discussion between these women, I wondered why they didn’t question the reasons behind Islam’s enforcing of the hijab on young girls. I think we have all been ingrained with the idea that there is something wrong and shameful about showing our bodies. That’s why I think the hardest part of “coming out” for me will be taking off my hijab. If I can even bring myself to do it. I hate the fact that I must go out every day representing an ideology that I hate. But I am comfortable in it. I even like wearing it. And I create different ways of wearing it to express my personality. I’ve even made ways of wearing it that transgress against what’s obligatory.
But taking it off? I have thought long and hard about it many nights. The thing that scares me the most is the backlash from my family and the Muslim community here.
But I think this would be the greatest political act of my life. I dream of it. And I am brooding about the implications of my actions every second. What am I saying to the world when I go out wearing the hijab? I don’t feel oppressed and I certainly don’t want to be seen that way, but deep down I know this is not a good way to live my life. I don’t like feeling ashamed when someone points out that a few stray strands of my hair are sticking out, or that my sleeves are not long enough to cover my wrists, or when my mother tells me my clothes are too tight or to take off my makeup.
There are so many things I would love to do with my body that I have been forbidden from. I want to be honest in this blog, so I have to ask the question: how could I ever find pleasure in sex outside of marriage and not be filled with anxiety and fear?
This is what it really comes down to: the containment of Muslim women’s sexuality. I don’t feel like a human being at all because my family has raised me this way. I am meant to please my future husband with my body, but I never want a husband, and I want to take control of my own sexuality one day. But I don’t know if I can ever bring myself to do it.
"Nothing lasts forever. Even the stars die."
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Topic: Brooding