Hello there!
I've only been lurking here for the past week, but reading some of the posts here makes me feel glad that I'm not alone.
I'd like to tell you how I got here, at this point.
1. MyselfI'm from Malaysia. I'm born and raised as a devout muslim.
I'm always surrounded by the local muslims (friends and family) and I was truly sure that Islam is the true one religion.
My indoctrination comes mainly from my parents who studied in Egypt (even though their major wasn't Islamic Studies)
I will live and die as muslim, is what I thought.
2. ChangeThe turnabout came when I met and fell in love with a man from another country who is a non-muslim.
He is a Buddhist and seems to be practicing only because of tradition. I think he's more of an agnostic.
It doesn't matter though, he's a lovely man and we want to spend the rest of our lives together.
Anyways, even before starting the relationship, we've discussed religion matters. He's smart enough to search on the net by himself before I could explain. (Convert to Islam before we can get married, pray 5 times a day, avoid alcohol, pork, bla bla bla)
Needless to say, he didn't like the prospect of being a muslim.
But he really does want to be with me, saying he wants to marry me not my religion. He is willing to convert to Islam for me but he won't be practicing it. He has no intention of being a "good muslim".
3. I'm rightAt this moment, I was still convinced that my religion is The One.
I wanted to convince my non-muslim boyfriend that Islam is the best religion in the world. I want him to WANT to be a "good muslim".
But to convince him I need the facts, I thought.
First, I'll find out how Islam is "the best religion" for me.
While I asked him to do his own study, I did some study myself.
In the start, I followed my instincts and I felt that Islam should be easy and wonderful.
But I find there are parts which are too strict like women must always wear the hijab, type of meat that's considered halal, alcohol consumption complete no-no, and the many things I feel very petty.
Then, through a muslim blogger who had converted her non-muslim husband, I was introduced to Shabbir Ahmed's works. Did anyone else read his books?
Reading his downloadable pdfs make me see Islam in another light.
All this absurdities come from the Hadith where She said He said some crappity crap.
So I figured "only the Quran has the true answers!!".
Islam is easy! ..and wonderful! ...right?
4. DoubtsBut something still bugs me. Like, why was Islam only sent to certain small parts of the world? Heaven only for muslims while non-muslims go to hell? What about those benevolent non-muslims who had no exposure to Islam? Where are their justice?
While my boyfriend who is starting to read the Qur'an showed me (9:5).
He says that the more he studied it the more he's scared of Islam.. ha ha...
I didn't blame him though. By this time, I've started to doubt Islam itself. Doesn't seem so wonderful now.
I feel a bit embarrassed now shoving some of my Islamic Ideals onto him...
For ease of my confused mind, my boyfriend advised me to find some like-minded muslims...
And not long after that, I found this oasis of a forum. Like-minded EX-muslims aren't bad either. lol
Lurking here, I've been absorbing materials which in the past I would've never glanced at all.
5. PresentAt this moment, I don't want my non-muslim boyfriend to convert anymore. Having him convert feels like I'm dragging him to pits of crazies.
If anything, I'm the one who wants to deconvert.
But the prospects of being shunned and cut off from my family is a big price to pay..
a) In the back of my head, I still have that plan where I just run away from my country, and live with him in his country. Marriage would be difficult, I think.
b) The other plan is to lie ....and then run away. He converts and we put an act as muslims in my country to get married and then live a non-muslim relaxed life in his country. Although, always lying is...tiring...isn't it?
What do you guys think?
Sorry if it was too long... may I have a parrot, please?
Topic: another ex-muslim (in the closet)