Encourage
OP - March 06, 2015, 01:33 PM
I'm feeling kinda emotional atm., so I thought now would be a good time to write a "small" introduction to who I am.
If it's unreadable, i'll sorry about that. I'm danish, and taught myself English 2 years ago, so here goes.
Life is so mysterious, isn't it? I mean, a persons life is being determined by where they are born. The persons identity is nearly based on where he has been. Luckily for some of us, we managed to change the person we used to be. Everything we done in our life had to change.
I was born in 1994 into a Turkish, muslim family, who were strong believers, but funny enough, they didn't mind the money they were getting. Same with anyone else around here. Spam out the children and get the money from the state, life must had been sweet as a parent to 4 or more children. So sweet, that they didn't give a shit about their childrens future, everyone were happy. We, the children, could play outside and not give a shit about the school, while our parents were stacking cash.
I was never given help by anyone, had no elder sibling and all my cousins were raised the same was as me, by parents who didn't give a single shit. I never liked books, I had no interest in reading and calculations used to hurt my brain.
But one thing our parents never forgot was to send us to the mosque. Small children being indoctrinated, messing up their emotions so they learn how to feel for some irrational doing. Basicly, Islam was everything a person could ever want.
Doing prayers felt good. I was so brainwashed that I got some happy feeling by praying, thinking I was talking to god. I was reading a foreign language, the holy language Arabic, which I didn't understand but I knew I would obtain after years of struggle. I read the quran at the age of 13. I didn't understand anything, but my parents were proud. Showering in gifts, I was happy. My family were bragging, and people were looking up to me. Life was great.
What these people didn't realise however was that Islam in this "fake" world, didn't do shit, when considering education. I was lazy in terms of reading general stuff. My knowledge was lacking hard, and so was my motivation to learn about the world.
I never knew what I was good at. Had no subject I favored than others, and the same goes for most of my friends. We were lacking that one friend who was great in school. We were in need of a picture, someone to look up to, someone to be inspired from. We had Muhammed in Islam, but knew noone in our society.
The years went by, and I finished primary school with very shitty results, over a half year of ditching. Adapting the ditching and not couraging myself to read, I failed 10th grade and got kicked out for absence and bad behaviour.
All my friends however were in 10th grade. At the age of 16, I had a half year where I was doing nothing. My mom didn't give a shit, but my dad did. He took a talk with me about how important education is, and how he didn't want me to end up as him. Working like a slave for small money. I didn't really take it serious to begin with, but he planted the thought atleast.
My parents have been through alot, I got a handicapped little brother, who suffers from Hurler syndrome. An illness, which is fatal at most cases. He is now 14, and this is where the illness starts to kick in. Anyway, i'll get back to this in a moment.
My dad used to be religious, like super strongly believing and not commiting any sins. My mom loved mentioning my dad, and bragging about him. But unfortunally he got ill. He got back issues and is epileptic. And with my brothers illness to take care off, he is changed alot. He works full time, while being ill to support my family.
The thought he planted however made me think about some stuff. I started questioning stuff, like why failing in this fake world would have any influence in my next. It didn't mean much, but I got a start.
Waking up every morning to no school starting feeling bad. I felt kinda lonely, while all my friends were taking 10th grade.
I got on the internet and tried to get some basic knowledge. Shit sucked. I lacked motivation to learn, my mentality wasn't strong. Everything was boring, so I gave up pretty quick.
Weeks later, my friends Atakan, started talking about abunch of unknown stuff such as how a formular could predict the outcome of something. It got my interest, and I started asking him some stuff. He slowly helped me at that time, lets say the thought my dad planted grew. I decided to start reading again, but this time I didn't give up.
I had 3 months to read up on some stuff, before school began. I applied for some school called HG. One of the lower educations, but even that education was hard.
Everyone looked down on HG students, since its mostly people who dont want to educate, but get SU (school support).
I was 16 at the time, so I didn't really know much about how schools worked.
HG was stupidly hard, like english especially. Nothing ever made any sense, even when reading up to it. I got kicked out for absence once again, my dad was furious. It wasn't quite the greatest feeling to have your idol look down on you.
My brother always asked me questions about the world, and my cousins would always come to rescue to answer them. Life was depressing, I skipped Jummah and felt even worse at that time.
I applied for another school, this time I wanted to change for good.
I applied for computer technology at some technical school over here, again a lower education, but with my grades and knowledge, i wouldnt really be able to apply anywhere else.
Man.. This was the wisest decision I ever made. The teachers I had were so good. They did everything to fill me with knowledge. Their teaching methos were funny, and everything was so easy. I had math, physics and english at DEF (Lowest levels). But this is what I needed aswell. I started from the bottom, and gained another chance to learn.
My class was filled with grown ups, so I had no chance to be myself, as I didnt want to stand out from the class.
I loved physics and math. English was still hard, but I managed to teach myself english with all the sparetime I had.
Life was expanding. I started to love knowledge. I wanted to get into a higher education to see what more lied in these subjects.
Unfortunally I got declined from high schools (gymnasiums) because of my grades, but that didn't hold me back. I applied for my 10th grade again, but I got declined once again, since I was thrown out once. They didn't give me a chance and I was so depressed at the time.
I didn't want to waste another year on doing nothing, so I sought the Quran. I started reading to feel better, I needed to connect to Allah.
As I was studying, I learned to question. This wasn't the best thing when being religious. The 3rd time I read the quran, I started questioning alot. And most of the times, I didn't get any rational answer. It was always Al-Muallim. I was getting scared that I was brought into something false. My whole life was based on this path. I stopped reading for some time, thinking that the devil was manipulating with me.
Here in Denmark, noone is left to do nothing. I was 17, and my supervisor contacted me. We had to talk about me being lazy at home.
She told me abunch of stuff, how important this education was for me. I didn't want to go back to technical school, and 10th grade didn't accept me back, so I had no real way to do something about my grades.
She couldn't find any solution, besides 1.
VUC, which is a school for grown up, who tried to get back on the education course. You had to be 18 however to get in.
My supervisor fought hard to get me in, and finally managed to help me get back on track. I promised her that I wouldn't let her down, and studied as hard as I could.
I got insanely good grades, I was so happy. My dad was happy, my friends werent that impressed since it was basic stuff, but still. I had a chance to get into highschool and get an education. I learned so much in that 1 year, and I wanted more.
I spent my summer break getting ready for highschool. I wanted to be one of the best in my class, I wanted my people to look up to me, and mention me whenever they talked about education. "Hey, look at TK."
The thoughts felt good.
I set my intentions, met alot of good people, and got new hobbies. I wanted to study physics for the rest of my life, I wanted to know everything around us. I wanted to be smart. So I based my life on gaining as much as I could in High school.
But my little journey contradicted my religion. I stopped praying to study, lost alot of recognizing the arabic letters, and couldn't read arabic. My mom was super angry, so I had to start reading the quran again.
This was it. So many fucking questions came up again, and I started despiting the prophet. I never got any rational answer, and I realised that this wasn't right. Nothing was right, and I was angry that I had based my life on this. And many others still do.
I got scared, I knew the community around me. I knew the consequences of apostate. I kept it for myself and acted muslim.
My focus on school paid off. I recently got accepted into the University I applied to, life is great so far.
For nearly 3 years, i've been faking being a muslim. It's been tough and very stressful. I didn't talk to anybody about it, and always tried to find others who were like me. But muslims don't show their disbeliefs. They do alot of sins, but still see themselves as muslims. It was hard finding others like myself.
I found an article on reddit, about Haifa, the apostate. (the one and only Ishtar90), and found it super interesting. I contacted the person who wrote the article, in hope of trying to talk with Haifa, and she added me on facebook.
It felt super great talking with someone about it, I still do talk with her, shes been great help and I only expect it to go forward from here with her help.
Something funny happened last week.
My cousin wanted to borrow my laptop, and I ofcourse said sure. She came back confused and super angry with my mother by her side.
My mother was angry, she raged and threw stuff at me. I asked whats wrong, and I realised. I forgot to log off facebook, so they must had read the chat I had with Haifa.
I had no replies, all I did was stare, I was scared. My mom was in killing mode, she despited me. My cousin was yelling abunch of curse words, my dad got contacted and he was dissapointed. I didn't need this, not now. my exams are coming up, so the timing was really really bad.
My dad doesn't hit me, so my mom who is weak contacted my elder cousins who came to beat me up. They still try to catch me off guard, but fuck them. My dad gave me money so I could support myself, and my school is helping me trying to get my own place. Been a nomad for a week now, hiding from the wrath of kanacks. The news has spread all over town, everyone hates me. Had to delete my facebook because of all the hate messages.
But I look at it as a good thing. Since its out now, I dont have to stress about it, and I'll always know my dad is by my side.
Full focus on education from here, and hoping for the better.
Who knows. I might have started something that other muslims who were doubting their faith, would have someone to contact about it.
I had Ishtar, they have me.
Topic: Encourage