Who's Arcot?
OP - December 29, 2014, 04:27 PM
Hi everyone! I am Abdul Samad. I live in Hyderabad, a city in India. It is said that my blood line can be traced back to Umar bin Qatab, one of Prophet's right hand. I was brought up in a conservative family, but had access to modern media and ideologies through my education.
When I was a kid I was told that Allah created seven heavens, the earth and everything that lies in between them. And that he had made some laws for human beings that are to be abided, in the case of failure, one could burn in hell forever. In my school I was surrounded by hindus who were not so secular(those who were, were actually atheists). This made me cling to my faith and dig in deeper. Everything happening around me was anti islamic, like the news on the rising terrorism. But this did not help either instead it made me go deeper into islam. By the age of 16, I was a member of several Islamic organizations and was fighting to unite the broken sects into one people. But along with this, my interest in literature and history made me explore the western civilization and ideas. I was amazed by the modern world. I would listen to music, read books and watch movies. Something which I considered a crime and felt guily for.
I would indulge in online debates with my broken english to solve any misconceptions on Islam. I would always push the argument towards peace and love. As I believed that God was all about love. Though I knew somewhere that God was a jealous, immature and naive being who would torture his enemies to eternity. I convinced myself that this life was a test and everything happening around me was to assess my faith. At the age of 18 I had a massive debate in a gathering for a united Islam, not knowing that I would be an atheist in 1 year.
With my bad performance in an entrance test, I was forced to join a minority engineering college. Here I was exposed to the real muslims. I had always imagined that Muslims were better than Hindus and Christians. That really wasn't the case. There were various sub divisions in Sunnis as well. Each had their own interpretation of Quran. This made me study Quran, but along with this I had read books on other religions. I came across a book on Hindu philosophy. Which wasn't that bad as I had imagined. Infact, at some places it made more sense than my faith. At some places it was rubbish again. As I read Quran with translation for the first time I thought 'This has to be God' and became more adamant believer.
I would do everything Quran was asking from me. That made me cut off from Hindu and atheist friends. But through literature, I came across Agnostics. I thought, how could an Agnostic be punished? He is not denying anything, it wouldn't be justice if God was punishing him. How would I convince an Agnostic? This made me read Quran for the second time, this time with scrutiny. With the mind set of an Agnostic. There sunk half of my faith. As days passed, I would pray daily and the image of God was still strong. Yet my curiosity made me come across Christopher Hitchens and Sam Harris. Yeah, these guys made me atheist before I knew. The image of God faded away. But the problem arose when the people around me realized that I did not respect their dogmas anymore. I managed to make two of my closest friends atheist. I searched for a new community. But everywhere I went, I felt I did not fit there. So I decided I would pretend to be a Muslim again as I knew that sadly I had to live and die in this community. The saddest part is that I, now 21, am in love with a Muslim girl and she has no hint of my atheism. Its gonna be a hard life for me.
Topic: Who's Arcot?