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 Topic: I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please

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  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     OP - December 18, 2014, 07:29 PM
    I've been hiding my relationship with my BF for 2.5 years from my family. I come from a Lebanese background...I'm 30 and live with them because I'm not married. My relationship is serious...my BF proposed 2 years ago...I accepted, and we plan on getting married.

    To make a long story short, my Bf has a medical residency interview and he wants me to go....It's overnight. Although we are sexually active, I've never spent the night with him because I'm expected to be home no later than 10pm.

    My parents are oversees so I see an opportunity. My boss knows my situation is supportive of me and suggested I say I'm going to a conference. I thought this would be a good idea so I ran it passed my sister (17 years old) and she told me I need to tell my brother (he is 25)...my brother then told me I need to tell my parents.


    The issue is, my siblings asked a lot of questions like where is it, what is it about, etc...I didn't think they would care...I'm extremely nervous to tell my parents b/c I don't think they will buy it. The thing my dad hates the most is lying. Yes, I have been lying technically...but by omission.

    I told my BF I would go, but know I feel like backing down. I started to have a mini nervous breakdown because all of this is wearing ok me. I'm tired of balancing the life I want to live with my parents.

    Any suggestions on what I should do? I don't have anyone else to really talk to about this...should I just go and risk it for my BF? I want to make him happy...I know he would understand but would be crushed if I don't go.
    "You're time is limited. Don't waste it by living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other people's opinions drown out your own inner voice. -Steve Jobs
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #1 - December 18, 2014, 07:34 PM
    How old are you?

    This isn't aimed at you but just a personal comment.  My 19 year old sister in the mid 60's had boy friends stay overnight in our parent's home.

    Get your boss to make something up using his headed paper! 
    When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.


    A.A. Milne,

    "We cannot slaughter each other out of the human impasse"
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #2 - December 18, 2014, 07:36 PM
    And what planet are people on if they think adults are not sexually active?
    When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.


    A.A. Milne,

    "We cannot slaughter each other out of the human impasse"
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #3 - December 18, 2014, 09:58 PM
    You are 30 years old, you can do what you want, just admit you are going to the conference with him but in seperarate rooms, your parents have to accept your word as you are a mature woman Smiley

    xxxx
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #4 - December 18, 2014, 11:02 PM
    My parents do not know I am going out with him...So if I told them I was going with him to a conference they would flip...

    I guess I'm just trying to find a way to not feel guilty for lying...would you feel bad?
    "You're time is limited. Don't waste it by living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other people's opinions drown out your own inner voice. -Steve Jobs
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #5 - December 18, 2014, 11:05 PM
    I've had a girlfriend now for over a month now. Plan to tell my parents soonish, unless we like immediately break up or something when I go back to school. 0 fucks given.

    My advice to you is simply to do what you want to do. I totally agree with suki that at this age, your parents will really need to just build a bridge and get over it.
    Quote from: yeezevee on February 11, 2016, 02:05 PM
    how fuck works without shit??


    Let's Play Chess!

    harakaat, friend, RIP
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #6 - December 18, 2014, 11:06 PM
    This is all of course, if you feel safe doing what you want to do. Only you can properly determine that.
    Quote from: yeezevee on February 11, 2016, 02:05 PM
    how fuck works without shit??


    Let's Play Chess!

    harakaat, friend, RIP
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #7 - December 18, 2014, 11:16 PM
    Quote
    The name of this game is “Uproar“: “Father comes home from work and finds fault with daughter, who answers impudently; or daughter may make the first move by being impudent, whereupon father finds fault. Their voices rise, and the clash becomes more acute. The outcome depends on who has the initiative. There are three possibilities: a) father retires to his bedroom and slams the door; b) daughter retires to her bedroom and slams the door; c) both retire to their respective bedrooms and slam the doors. In any case, the end of a game of Uproar is marked by a slamming door. Uproar offers a distressing but effective solution to the sexual problems that arise between fathers and teen-age daughters in certain households. Often they can only live in the same house together if they are angry at each other, and the slamming doors emphasize for each the fact that they have separate bedrooms.”



    http://www.ericberne.com/kurt-vonnegut-review-of-games-people-play/
    When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.


    A.A. Milne,

    "We cannot slaughter each other out of the human impasse"
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #8 - December 18, 2014, 11:17 PM
    Islam seems to have its own versions of "uproar", and other games with fascinating rules!

    Quote
    to request that games be treated with the respect due, say, a time bomb in need of defusing. Possible endings for some include divorce, murder and suicide.


    When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.


    A.A. Milne,

    "We cannot slaughter each other out of the human impasse"
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #9 - December 18, 2014, 11:52 PM
    I am sympathetic, but unfortunately I have no advice.
    Don't let Hitler have the street.
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #10 - December 19, 2014, 01:02 AM
    Thanks for your help everyone...in reply to Moi...in my culture a woman should not be sexually active until marriage...my parents would kill me if they knew I was having sex...not an exaggeration...

    I told my boyfriend my thoughts...he was understanding but also very upset because I told him I'd make an effort to stay the night...he's been asking me to spend the night for over two years...he hates seeing me leave to go back to my family...so I told him I'd go...

    I told my mom I was going to the conference but didnt tell her about spending the night...I'm pretty sure my siblings will rat me out but I'll just have to deal with the consequences
    "You're time is limited. Don't waste it by living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other people's opinions drown out your own inner voice. -Steve Jobs
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #11 - December 19, 2014, 01:11 AM
    Quote from: KoalaBear on December 19, 2014, 01:02 AM
    my parents would kill me if they knew I was having sex...not an exaggeration...


    Do you have a plan to leave and be independent of them?
    Quote from: yeezevee on February 11, 2016, 02:05 PM
    how fuck works without shit??


    Let's Play Chess!

    harakaat, friend, RIP
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #12 - December 19, 2014, 01:31 AM
    Quote from: KoalaBear on December 18, 2014, 07:29 PM
    I've been hiding my relationship with my BF for 2.5 years from my family. I come from a Lebanese background...I'm 30 and live with them because I'm not married. My relationship is serious...my BF proposed 2 years ago...I accepted, and we plan on getting married.

    To make a long story short, my Bf has a medical residency interview and he wants me to go....It's overnight. Although we are sexually active, I've never spent the night with him because I'm expected to be home no later than 10pm.

    My parents are oversees so I see an opportunity. My boss knows my situation is supportive of me and suggested I say I'm going to a conference. I thought this would be a good idea so I ran it passed my sister (17 years old) and she told me I need to tell my brother (he is 25)...my brother then told me I need to tell my parents.


    The issue is, my siblings asked a lot of questions like where is it, what is it about, etc...I didn't think they would care...I'm extremely nervous to tell my parents b/c I don't think they will buy it. The thing my dad hates the most is lying. Yes, I have been lying technically...but by omission.

    I told my BF I would go, but know I feel like backing down. I started to have a mini nervous breakdown because all of this is wearing ok me. I'm tired of balancing the life I want to live with my parents.

    Any suggestions on what I should do? I don't have anyone else to really talk to about this...should I just go and risk it for my BF? I want to make him happy...I know he would understand but would be crushed if I don't go.


    Sounds extremely exhausting :/ If you're not ready to tell your parents the truth about your boyfriend, you could just tell them that you're simply attending a conference and staying overnight 'alone' or with your female friend. If you need to go, you've got no other choice but to lie. 
    You're an adult, you shouldn't even explain yourself to others. I don't know anything about your parents but would it be safe to tell them that you've been dating for 2 years?
    turnipovich
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #13 - December 19, 2014, 01:53 AM
    Quote from: asbie on December 19, 2014, 01:11 AM
    Do you have a plan to leave and be independent of them?


    My initial plan to leave them was go to medical school so I could move away...that or marriage was the only acceptable option. I did go to med school but hated it...withdrew...so now I'm back home. I've been working two jobs while full time in grad school to save money. Now I have enough to get out but I'm very to leave and tell my parents that I'm planning to marry my boyfriend. It doesnt help that he is Jewish.
    "You're time is limited. Don't waste it by living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other people's opinions drown out your own inner voice. -Steve Jobs
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #14 - December 19, 2014, 03:03 AM
    Quote from: KoalaBear on December 19, 2014, 01:53 AM
    My initial plan to leave them was go to medical school so I could move away...that or marriage was the only acceptable option. I did go to med school but hated it...withdrew...so now I'm back home. I've been working two jobs while full time in grad school to save money. Now I have enough to get out but I'm very to leave and tell my parents that I'm planning to marry my boyfriend. It doesnt help that he is Jewish.


    You're very what to leave?

    I'm going to repeat myself and say that you know what is and isn't safe for you, but if it is I wouldn't restrict myself just because of my parents discomfort at something like this. You're going to have to live your own life for yourself at some point and it seems that point is very near at hand.  Smiley
    Quote from: yeezevee on February 11, 2016, 02:05 PM
    how fuck works without shit??


    Let's Play Chess!

    harakaat, friend, RIP
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #15 - December 19, 2014, 04:08 AM
    I assume she means "reluctant to leave".

    Is BF serious Jewish or just born Jewish? Would he consider pretending that he may convert to Islam before you get married? Doesn't mean he has to actually do it, but perhaps could be a way of calming things down for now. If you can score another one for Allah, that should be good for your cred.

    Anyway, it's your call on the overnighting. You know your situation best. I get where BF is coming from, since it's awesome* to snuggle all night and wake up together, but if it's not worth the drama right now than that's fair enough.

    *Well ok, you have to have figured out how to stop your partner snoring, because that's really handy sometimes, and one of you will always be warmer or colder than the other one, and the other bugger will always nick the blankets halfway through the night without even realising it, but it's still kinda awesome.
    Devious, treacherous, murderous, neanderthal, sub-human of the West. bunny
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #16 - December 19, 2014, 04:57 AM
    I am in the process of saving to leave and also leave them with a little bit of money.  Its rough.  I recently well 6 months ago met a really nice girl sadly its long distance but we make it work.  I know parents and siblings can be nosy.  Here is what I did, I told them I will be hanging out and staying with a friend from school in a different city.

    We have a full week to ourselves, just make sure you give your mom a call every once in a while and its smooth sailing.

    I dont know about you but I am even getting tired of being considerate.  I feel like muslim parents have not consideration for their kids but we are (especially girls) made to jump thru so many hoops.  It helps that my gf is understanding.
    Oh my Christopher Hitchens its a fihrrrrrrrrrrrr
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #17 - December 19, 2014, 05:29 AM
    You're in the right age, you need to have your own decision. You did nothing wrong and your bf loves you and you're engaged with him.
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #18 - December 19, 2014, 07:38 AM
    Hi Koala

    I'm more cautious and chickenshit than most, so I completely get your difficulty in getting away. But I do think you deserve a night out with your bf. You have a good cover story already, so swallow any guilt and tell the lies you need to tell in order to convince your parents. The conference is crucial to your job. In fact your job and potential promotion depend on it completely. You're worried and scared about going away from home, but you absolutely have no choice. Besides your good female friend will be there to look after you every step of the way, so there is no need for your parents to worry...if possible, keep your lies to a minimum. Don't elaborate too much. There will be less guilt that way, and less chance of you getting caught up in one of your lies.

    I hope you get away for the night Koala, and put the guilt to one side and enjoy it. Both you and your excellent boyfriend deserve that much. In the long run, I hope you also take some small steps to gain your independence gradually. Either way, good luck, and go Koala, go Smiley
    Hi
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #19 - December 19, 2014, 08:27 AM
    In terms of morality this is a justifiable misleading for the greater good - it is the equivalent of telling Nazi soldiers no there is no one in the attic.
    When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.


    A.A. Milne,

    "We cannot slaughter each other out of the human impasse"
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #20 - December 19, 2014, 11:57 AM
    Thanks guys, I really appreciate your help. I feel a bit less guilty...I agree with what another person said...I'm so tired of being considerate an having to deal with things like text messages from my father when I'm out to eat with my boyfriend for his birthday telling me I'm basically a horrible daughter for being out of the house from 12-7pm on a sunday.

    I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that my parents have certain expectations based on their culture....or should I say my dad's culture.

    My BF is only Jewish by birth from his mom...his dad is British Christian and immigrated to America. I think the reason why my BF puts up with me is because his dad was disowned by his family for a couple decades for marrying a Jewish woman....so my BF's family understands why I don't introduce my BF to my family.

    I'm sort of nervous sort of excited because this will be like my first sleep over...my mom never let me participate in those as a child...among many other things. They have always kept me on a very short leash.

    Thanks again everyone...I can't tell u hhow much this has helped...I really was going to call it off but am glad I didn't...at least for now. And sorry about any typos or sentances that don't make sense...I'm typing from my phone and It's giving me some issues.
    "You're time is limited. Don't waste it by living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other people's opinions drown out your own inner voice. -Steve Jobs
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #21 - December 19, 2014, 01:43 PM
    On a general point

    Quote
    .I'm so tired of being considerate an having to deal with things like text messages from my father when I'm out to eat with my boyfriend for his birthday telling me I'm basically a horrible daughter for being out of the house from 12-7pm on a sunday.


    Quote
    A new domestic abuse offence of “coercive and controlling behaviour” is to be introduced carrying a penalty of up to five years in prison, the home secretary has announced.

    Theresa May said such behaviour in relationships could be “tantamount to torture”. The decision is a victory for campaigners who have long argued that domestic abuse is more than a series of episodes of physical violence by a partner or ex-partner.

    http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014 ... -behaviour

    When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.


    A.A. Milne,

    "We cannot slaughter each other out of the human impasse"
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #22 - December 19, 2014, 04:41 PM
    Oh dear, wrong thread
    Hi
  • I need advice on trying to spend the night with my BF...suggestions please
     Reply #23 - January 08, 2015, 10:46 PM
    Quote from: KoalaBear on December 19, 2014, 01:02 AM
    ...my parents would kill me if they knew I was having sex...not an exaggeration..


    If this really is not an exaggeration you need to go to the Police. In the UK you would have Autonomy as a person in your own right

    Seems to me you are trying to please everyone  ignoring your own rights. Firstly your boyfriend, if he cares, will understand if you don't go, he should stand by you, if he does not  then you have the wrong man. So, you could not go and get your self some thinking time.

    You do need to stand up for yourself, not by having the loudest voice, but by simply acting as an autonomous being.
    After being under these pressures for some time its easy to obey to placate (the essence of cult control). There are women's groups for people in your situation, all over, some are Asian groups. Talk to helplines gets some addresses. You might get counselling via your Dr too.
    Read up about autonomy, womens rights, and the Stockholm syndrome.
    Remember, you are a wonderful creation in your own right, anyone that does not see this does not know you
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