Hi everyone
Reply #21 - November 15, 2014, 03:58 AM
Here's the thing: He changed. He must accept responsibility for whatever happens because of his change; whatever happens, it's not because of you. It's because of him. It sounds to me like you might be in a psychologically abusive relationship, where he is manipulating you, and displaying a different face to your family and friends than he is to you--also a trait of psychopathology (I have a degree in mental health, and also a great deal of personal experience). Abusive relationships get worse, not better, over time (trust me, I know). There's a very well-known model called "the cycle of abuse" you can look up on wikipedia. Knowing what abuse actually is--it doesn't start with physical violence, so you often don't even know your relationship is abusive--really does open your eyes to what's going on.
The four stages in the cycle of abuse are: Tension building, Incident, Reconciliation/honeymoon, and Calm. Remember, it's a cycle. So things may be calm now, but then tension will build about something, and there will be an incident. Here are some of the things to look for in stage 3:
The perpetrator may begin to feel remorse, guilty feelings, or fear that their partner will leave or call the police. The victim feels pain, fear, humiliation, disrespect, confusion, and may wrongly feel responsible. [Any of that sound familiar?]
Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident. This phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do his or her best to change. During this stage the abuser feels overwhelming feelings of remorse and sadness, or at least pretends to. Some abusers walk away from the situation with little comment, but most will eventually shower the survivor with love and affection.
Another red flag is how young you were when you got into this relationship. It's often easier for abusers to prey on younger minds, and as they get older, and the abuse gets more intense, the abuser knows that because of how long they've been together, the abused party will find it hard to leave. They may also threaten the partner with a loss of financial stability. I don't know if you have a higher education or a good job, but even if you do, you might be afraid of living without his income. The UK is great when it comes to resources for helping people in abusive relationships, so that's the good news. The bad news is, it's never easy to end a relationship, even a bad one.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for I have a sonic screwdriver, a tricorder, and a Type 2 phaser.
Topic: Hi everyone