I've been delaying writing a post of my own for weeks because I honestly did not know what to say and of course I'm not mentioning the fact that it took me a week to find the 'new topic' button. Stupid me
Anyway, I finally found the courage to write something and hopeful get some advice from people! Also sorry in advance for this being poorly written, I was very emotional!
Rant:So I am a lesbian ex-muslim still living in the closest in my parents' house! I originally came out to myself as bisexual in May/June of 2014 and came out to my best friend shortly after. At this point I was still very Muslim and I thought that I could somehow manage being both Muslim and half-'gay'. I thought that I would just choose to ignore my 'gayness' and that I could still marry a nice MUSLIM guy. I thought that there was no need to tell my parents because I could just choose to act only on my straight side and that just because I was a bisexual didn't mean I had to actually 'be' one. Oh how wrong I was! I participated in gay bashing at home and was the most homophobic person there was because I was trying to literally pray the gay away. I watched Islamic lecture after lecture and reading about how being gay was a choice and that I could choose not to be one. I also went as far as to believe in a diagnose of a type of OCD where someone who is heterosexual starts to believe that they are homosexual and all of the symptoms fit with me completely (I will have you know that I now know that I am not). At first the name calling and pure hatred my family had for 'the homosexuals' did not effect me because somewhere in my head I built a wall between me and them. At first this wall was very resilient and protected me well but somewhere between the 10th or 20th time homosexuals were mentioned around the house it began to hurt. I slowly came to the realization that I was them and they were me. I was part of the lgbt community whether I wanted to pretend I wasn't or not. That's when I started to question my religion!
Writing about how I left Islam is just too long a story that happened over such a short period of time. Of course, I still have many Islamic teachings that I still hold very dear to my heart (such as being good to your neighbour and feeding the poor) because I believe that some of those teachings just make a person a better human being. However, I am still choosing to leave the religion for some obvious reasons and some not so obvious ones. I was listening to a TED radio podcast a few months ago and the speaker, Zak Ebrahim mentioned something his mother said to him once that literally made me stop mid-stride when I was crossing a street. She said, "I am tired of hating people,". In that moment I realized why Islam was not the religion for me. I too was tired of hating people. I was tired of hating myself for being a lesbian, I was tired of hating the non-Muslim side of my best friend, I was tired of hating the philosophies of many of the philosophers that didn't fit into the Islamic ideology when deep-down I actually agreed with them and most of all I was tired of hating the eclipse (not a person I know) when I love astronomy so much. Of course not all Muslims are the Muslim I was but I hated the hateful me that Islam made me. Islam may work for my parents and many others but Islam definitely isn't and never will be a religion that I can be apart of. After going through this journey of self discovery I can say that I truly feel liberated. Leaving Islam and acknowledging to myself that I am a lesbian and that it's okay to be who I am feels so good. I feel so happy. So free!
P.S.Yes, I was one of those with one foot in the closet at the time. Of course after a few months I knew that I was just denying that I was in fact more of a lesbian than I was a bisexual. Anyone who has ever questioned their sexuality would know that labels are there to confuse you more and that sometimes you don't fit into them completely. But for the sake of using labels to help others understand me better I am a lesbian. After coming out to a larger group of close friends most have said that they already had a feeling that I was not straight. I don't know what they saw but whatever it was, they were right.
Advice:I am planning to come out to my parents in the summer of 2015 (may change). My family are very conservative muslims and the ways of Muhammad is reflected in their every step (every female in the family including myself wears the hijab). But I also like to think that my mother is very open-minded which is contradictory I know. My family mean the world to me and that's why telling them the truth will hurt them that much more. But I have to live my life for myself even though everyday I am tempted to live in this closet forever. As for my finance situation, I have some money saved up from loans for school (which may now be taken away) that I wanted to use for the first few months of rent. I will be 21 years old and starting my last year of college in the fall of 2015 and will be getting another loan enough to cover my living expenses and school tuition. Of course, I plan to get a job immediately and work during the school year. Also that summer I will be working as an intern (with pay) for a firm in May until the end of August. I am also trying to keep in mind that my whole world will be thrown upside down both emotionally and physically and that I would need to adapt to my new reality. I have also never lived on my own so that will be a first for me. But I want to move on with the next stage of my life without having to hide who I really am. Also the sooner my parents know the less heartache we both have to endure. I would like to rip the bandaid off please! So please if you have any advice at all do share. I would love to hear a different perspective on my situation.
Thank you so much for reading!
Finally getting all my feelings in writing felt so good! And sharing my story with all of you after stalking different posts is an even more amazing feeling!
Topic: Hello, I am an ex-muslim lesbian!