Telling the parents I'm no longer a muslim?

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- confusedcritic
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Telling the parents I'm no longer a muslim?
OP - September 12, 2014, 04:31 PM

Hi,
I'm new here but I've pretty much been a ex-muslim for the last three years BUT I haven't told a single person about my change in views INFACT I've carried on living as a muslim.
Its a horrible way to live and I feel guilty about the lies I've been feeding my family and friends . The only reason I'm carrying on living this way is because as far as I can tell there's no way I can really be open about my views without totally losing my family and pretty much everyone I've ever cared for.
Its been okay for the last few years but I'm leaving uni in a year and my parents have decided its time for me to get married. I just don't know how to confront them about my change in beliefs and to add fuel to the flame I'm not sure if I even want a man. I can't bear to think of marrying because it will just make this mess even more ridiculous.
To put all of the above simply I'm a bisexual ex-muslim pretending to be a muslim and I need advice.
How did you guys tell your parents? I'm not looking for a happy ending I realise that's now impossible, but really is there a way of keeping your family and leaving islam?
Has anyone actually managed to do this?
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Reply #1 - September 12, 2014, 04:54 PM

Hello

Im in almost the same situation that you are, so I can't really give you any advice. However when I asked this same question, one member gave me some really good advice, which I shall pass on. Don't tell your parents. No good will come of it. Only lead to anger and resentment, especially if they are strong Muslims.

Sorry, im not as eloquent as most of the other people here. Just felt like contributing something.
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Reply #2 - September 12, 2014, 04:56 PM

Welcome Confusedcritic..

the customary newbie gift -

^I'm not eloquent either but gosh I'm not sure it is possible to have both your family and apostacy, depends how religious they are, have you ever mentioned how you feel, if so what was their response ? im a convert, was and my kids dont practice, we have accepted the fact that their father will treat them as non existent and never see them again so long as they dont wear hijab and practice, its is very sad but that is reality for us..

All the best
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Reply #3 - September 12, 2014, 05:35 PM

Welcome. Do you mind telling us which country you're in? Advice will be different depending on that.

`But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
`Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
`You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
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Reply #4 - September 12, 2014, 05:42 PM

Ohhh I was wondering why I kept seeing dancing parrots in posts.
I don't know why either of you are apologising, I'm trying not to swear or use london lingo in my posts lol.

South- Thank you it feels good to know there are people out there in the same position as me tbh. I've heard that too but I feel like a complete and utter pr*ck when I lie tbh. Is that what you're doing? Not telling your parents?

Suki- I feel childish saying this but I don't understand why we can't have both. I have in passing talked about others who have left Islam, they didn't reply there was just a minute of silence, don't think they would take it very well. You're really brave!!! I'm too much of a coward to rock the boat.

Quod Sum Eris- I'm from England, so I probably won't be stoned to death. I feel sorry for those going through this in muslim countries.
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Reply #5 - September 12, 2014, 05:44 PM

Welcome to the forum, confusedcritic. Another parrot for your growing collection

First, if you haven't already, head over to the Bisexuality thread. Fascinating and thought provoking stuff - you are far from alone!

I'm also a revert.. maybe convert is a better word.. almost an ex Muslim so I understand the mental turmoil you're going through as I'm still going through it to some extent. However, as Quod said, your location will make a difference to the advice given. Also the level of your parents' and family's faith would be useful information. And if you have anyone close (friend or family) who leans more towards free thinking, as this could help you a lot.
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Reply #6 - September 12, 2014, 05:51 PM

I know a lot of ex-Muslims here are advising that you do not come out to your parents. And you don't have to make an announcement or whatever and make a big ruckus over it, if it means that you will be able to live your life the way you want and they can accept that you are "non-practicing" Muslim. But if it means that you are basically living a life of lies, having to pretend to pray, wear Muslim clothes, marry a Muslim in an arranged/semi-arranged marriage and so forth. I'm sorry, but "pretending" and going along that is shit advice. You only have one life, and yes you only have one family. But I would "sacrifice" my parents any day in order to live a free and happy life where you can be your true self. At some point or the other, most sane parents come to accept their children eventually even though they might keep their distance. Not all, but most. I would take my chances with that, but that is me personally.

"The healthiest people I know are those who are the first to label themselves fucked up." - three
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Reply #7 - September 12, 2014, 05:52 PM

Quote from: confusedcritic on September 12, 2014, 05:42 PM
Ohhh I was wondering why I kept seeing dancing parrots in posts.
I don't know why either of you are apologising, I'm trying not to swear or use london lingo in my posts lol.

Don't worry about swearing, venting, letting it all out or whatever you want to call it. It helps you to cope, and this community is amazingly supportive and understanding. See my rant thread for an example!

Quote from: confusedcritic on September 12, 2014, 05:42 PM
South- Thank you it feels good to know there are people out there in the same position as me tbh. I've heard that too but I feel like a complete and utter pr*ck when I lie tbh. Is that what you're doing? Not telling your parents?

Right now you don't have a choice. You've done the right thing to seek advice, before making a potentially family-breaking decision. Don't feel bad. You've done, and are doing, nothing wrong.

Quote from: confusedcritic on September 12, 2014, 05:42 PM
Suki- I feel childish saying this but I don't understand why we can't have both. I have in passing talked about others who have left Islam, they didn't reply there was just a minute of silence, don't think they would take it very well. You're really brave!!! I'm too much of a coward to rock the boat.

Again - not cowardice - it's being sensible. You need a plan before you decide what to do next.

Quote from: confusedcritic on September 12, 2014, 05:42 PM
Quod Sum Eris- I'm from England, so I probably won't be stoned to death. I feel sorry for those going through this in muslim countries.

You are treating this with a touch of humour - that's fantastic to see. It helps to see things from a humorous perspective
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Reply #8 - September 12, 2014, 06:21 PM

^ I'm not brave : ) I had to run off to another city to change my life, i abandoned everyone, so i was a bit of a coward really. Hey perhaps you could test the waters with your family, make some little remarks against islam to see how they respond, if they throw a wobbly and start casting out your jiins then you know there's no hope :/

x
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Reply #9 - September 12, 2014, 06:47 PM

`But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
`Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
`You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
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Reply #10 - September 12, 2014, 09:42 PM

Welcome, Confusedcritic. Have another

You are getting heaps of good advice from the wonderful and knowledgeable people on here, and I know that they all have your best interests at heart.

Continuing to live a lie is not an option you should even be considering. You have obviously attained an age at which you can legally make your own decisions, and it is probably time you started to do so.

The choice, of course, is yours, but you can now do absolutely anything you like. The only restriction on this is your own fear and trepidation.

Answer me this question: Would you be happy to simply allow your parents to plan your life for you and dictate how you behave, who you befriend, where you go, and what you do?

There comes a time in a man's life when he needs to strike out on his own. I believe this time is fast approaching.

Kind Regards and more ,
Stephen.
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Reply #11 - September 13, 2014, 07:59 AM

Hi Confusedcritic,

I'm not an ex-Muslim, but I am gay or bi-sexual (haven't decided yet). I don't talk to my family and haven't for many years as they don't accept my sexuality. I would like to feel some love from my family, but it's just not going to be. Hope you find an answer to your own family

These parrots were given to me when I was the newbie here. You can have them now (besides, they are pooping all over my carpet):

The misspelling in my name is intentional, because I'm an idiot and I can't spell properly. But I'd probably also say that even if it was a mistake. Does that clear things up?
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Reply #12 - September 13, 2014, 09:44 AM

Don't get married at your parents' behest.

All the rest of the shit will be easier to sort than that.
- NoToPrejudice
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Reply #13 - September 13, 2014, 10:47 AM

Hi Cofusedcritic,

Welcome aboard

What I have seen from my personal experience is that:

It is very difficult to tell who is going to react in which way if you told them about either or both of your very personal matters. Some of those whom you trust and believe that they would stand by you, may not and some of those whom you fear may turn out to be understanding and helpful. There will always be someone among family or friends whom you could trust without a doubt but would that person be able to help and support, is difficult to say. It depends how religious people around you are but I have seen that apparently mild muslims could be harbouring lots of fundamental beliefs and hatred and prejudice.

So my advice would be to be cautious and plan things carefully. I made mistakes by doing things randomly and impulsively and suffered. If I were you I would try to defer the things by some excuse (white lies are aloud), until such time that you have completed your education and are financially independent and that you are mentally and emotionally in a better position to deal with the repercussions, which are to certain extent inevitable.
I know that it is difficult to sit on your secrets but I also know that there is always a time. There is no harm in coming up with excuses and delaying things like marriage than telling others the facts now.
We don't plan to fail but fail to plan. This is true at least in my case.
I would say don't rush into anything. You live in the UK and you are an educated person who knows rights of individuals.
Best wishes,
(I apologise in advance if my post caused any offence)

Every true faith is infallible. It performs what the believing person hopes to find in it. But it does not offer the least support for the establishing of an objective truth. If you want to achieve peace of mind and happiness, have faith. If you want to be a disciple of truth, then search - Neitchze
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Reply #14 - September 13, 2014, 10:59 AM

I believe we now have the three confused musketeers.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. - Terry Pratchett
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Reply #15 - September 13, 2014, 02:23 PM

Welcome to the forum confusedcritic, have a rabbit!

I don't know whether there will be any way for you to be honest with your parents, leave Islam, and keep your family. It really depends on them and how important they view the religion to be in your lives together. I was able to do it, but I was just lucky.

I'd agree with David that marrying at their behest is NOT the way to sort this out. Get some space to think clearly, try and make a plan for yourself that you think can work, you can put into action, and will work for you. Let us know how its going. The people here are truly concerned, having gone through the same struggles, and an invaluable resource. Best of luck to you.

Quote from: yeezevee on February 11, 2016, 02:05 PM
how fuck works without shit??

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harakaat, friend, RIP
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Reply #16 - September 13, 2014, 03:39 PM

Welcome! I won't add to the advice you have received, it all seems pretty sensible to me.

Don't let Hitler have the street.
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Reply #17 - September 13, 2014, 09:07 PM

Thank you everyone!!! I'm a little overwhelmed at how helpful everyone on this sight is!
JRG-
Quote from: jrg on September 12, 2014, 05:44 PM
First, if you haven't already, head over to the Bisexuality thread. Fascinating and thought provoking stuff - you are far from alone!

Aha a whole thread on bisexuality... my life is one step closer to complete. This forum is freaking awesome seriously. Your rant is hilarious and I can really relate! Atleast I won't feel so bad when dropping the eff bomb now Thank youu!

SUKI-
Quote from: suki on September 12, 2014, 06:21 PM
^ I'm not brave : ) I had to run off to another city to change my life, i abandoned everyone, so i was a bit of a coward really. Hey perhaps you could test the waters with your family, make some little remarks against islam to see how they respond, if they throw a wobbly and start casting out your jiins then you know there's no hope :/

x

LMAO jinns, that could actually happen :/ aha. Thats still brave, I'm so afraid of change I can't think of even abandoning anyone lol. I'm going to take your advice though slow and steady. Thankyouu!!!

Stephen-
Quote from: Stephen on September 12, 2014, 09:42 PM

Answer me this question: Would you be happy to simply allow your parents to plan your life for you and dictate how you behave, who you befriend, where you go, and what you do?

There comes a time in a man's life when he needs to strike out on his own. I believe this time is fast approaching.

To be honest its what I've grown up with and I know little else, but you're right things need to change. I just need to grow a pair and suck it up. Thank youu!

Village Idiot-
Quote from: Villiage_Idiot on September 13, 2014, 07:59 AM
I'm not an ex-Muslim, but I am gay or bi-sexual (haven't decided yet). I don't talk to my family and haven't for many years as they don't accept my sexuality. I would like to feel some love from my family, but it's just not going to be. Hope you find an answer to your own family

I totally know what you mean by not knowing whether your gay or bisexual, when I'm crushing on a girl I become certain I'm just a lesbian in denial, depends on who I fancy at the time lol. I know bisexuality would be a problem regardless to faith, I hope things get better with your family! Thank you !

David-
Quote from: David on September 13, 2014, 09:44 AM
Don't get married at your parents' behest.

All the rest of the shit will be easier to sort than that.

I know I don't plan to marry its just reminded me of how little time I have to make a decision.

NoToPrejudice-
Quote from: NoToPrejudice on September 13, 2014, 10:47 AM

So my advice would be to be cautious and plan things carefully. I made mistakes by doing things randomly and impulsively and suffered. If I were you I would try to defer the things by some excuse (white lies are aloud), until such time that you have completed your education and are financially independent and that you are mentally and emotionally in a better position to deal with the repercussions, which are to certain extent inevitable.
I know that it is difficult to sit on your secrets but I also know that there is always a time. There is no harm in coming up with excuses and delaying things like marriage than telling others the facts now.
We don't plan to fail but fail to plan. This is true at least in my case.
I would say don't rush into anything. You live in the UK and you are an educated person who knows rights of individuals.
Best wishes,
(I apologise in advance if my post caused any offence)

Your post didn't cause any offence at all!! I totally agree with all your advice. I think I'll wait it out until I have enough money to be self sufficient and be calm about it all. Thank you and you're right a few white lies might help out

Hash Brown-
Quote from: Hash Brown on September 13, 2014, 10:59 AM
I believe we now have the three confused musketeers.

haha I had no idea it was such a common screenname I'll have to stick around to get to know them.

Asbie -
Quote from: asbie on September 13, 2014, 02:23 PM
I'd agree with David that marrying at their behest is NOT the way to sort this out. Get some space to think clearly, try and make a plan for yourself that you think can work, you can put into action, and will work for you. Let us know how its going. The people here are truly concerned, having gone through the same struggles, and an invaluable resource. Best of luck to you.

Planning is definitely the way forward!
Thank you so much, the fact people are truly concerned is actually touching lol I sound like a complete loser saying that but its true.

Three- thanks for the welcome

Cornflower-
Quote from: Cornflower on September 12, 2014, 05:51 PM
But if it means that you are basically living a life of lies, having to pretend to pray, wear Muslim clothes, marry a Muslim in an arranged/semi-arranged marriage and so forth. I'm sorry, but "pretending" and going along that is shit advice. You only have one life, and yes you only have one family. But I would "sacrifice" my parents any day in order to live a free and happy life where you can be your true self. At some point or the other, most sane parents come to accept their children eventually even though they might keep their distance. Not all, but most. I would take my chances with that, but that is me personally.

You don't hold back lol I like that. I think I'll wait it out until I'm ready to 'sacrifice' my parents. I'll have to take my chances I guess. Thank youuu!

I feel so british thanking everyone loads but you guys are all absolute babes !!
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Reply #18 - September 13, 2014, 10:17 PM

Hi Confused,

Waiting until you are "ready to sacrifice your parents." Not a bit of it. If they can't accept you for who and what you are, it is they who are sacrificing you.

I have never dictated to my children what they should believe. Instead, I have brought them up to think for themselves, and to make their own decisions. All I did was to provide a safe and loving home for them, and give them whatever guidance I felt they needed.

They have chosen their own career paths and their own husbands, and that it how it should be.

Kind Regards,
Stephen. (have another )
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Reply #19 - September 14, 2014, 10:09 AM

I understand where you're coming from, but I'm sure you can imagine the thought of losing family is painful to anyone regardless of whose to blame.
Your children are lucky then, I can only wish the same for my children.
Many thanks
- Quod Sum Eris
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Reply #20 - September 15, 2014, 11:17 PM

As I don't know your family and their cultural background I'll do my best to be general.

Coming out is your choice. This is a big thing and you need to focus on yourself in this situation. Coming out won't be as simple as saying "Hey mum and dad, I don't think islam's true, I'm not a muslim anymore. What's for dinner?" If your family is close then they will expect to be there and be involved for the big moments in your life, but the time and place has to be of your own choosing, and who you tell is completely up to you. Don't place yourself in a vulnerable position. I understand wanting to tell the truth and be honest but don't let one thing override another.

People can surprise you. This may go a lot smoother in the long run than you think, but the most likely outcome is that your family will feel it's an attack on them, not that you're simply unconvinced of the truth of a religion. It's a hugely stressful thing for most people and it's something that will likely go on for a while. and something you will have to repeat to them many times. They may also hope it's a phase and look for signs that you're still a believer. Sort of like if a bisexual comes out to their parents and they have a partner of the same sex, that relationship doesn't work out and their next partner is the opposite sex, the reaction can be "See? I knew it was just a phase."

As I said before, most likely they will see this as an attack on them rather than a new chapter in your own life and personal journey. "I don't have anything against muslims, you're my family and I love you, but I personally just don't think it's true" could to them be "Islam is stupid and you're all morons for believing it", which isn't fair on you but sadly that's how if often goes. But I should stress that even if your family has anything against ex-muslims, thinks apostates are bad people, it's different when it's someone you love. Some random example of someone leaving islam is easy to talk shit about. Someone you love, less so.

You will find this emotionally draining. If you choose to come out to only a few select people at different times it can bring up such a feeling of dread, and will have an effect on your state of mine as it's something that will always be at the very least in the back of your mind. If you choose to get it all over with, then it will be very emotionally draining, and you may find yourself bombarded from all sides. Either way it can be tempting to just withdraw from them, which will likely have not only them feeling abandoned but you feeling shit about yourself and racked with guilt. If you have any friends or relatives you can bring with you when you do tell them to give a bit of moral support, bring them.

As for the fallout, you're still you. You're still the same person. You still love them. You're still their daughter/sister/friend/cousin/whatever else and just because you no longer believe islam to be true that doesn't mean you don't want to be a part of each others lives. But that said you are shattering their image of you. They might need some time to come to terms with that.

If you feel you may be in danger if you tell them, don't. If there is even the smallest part of you which thinks "These people will hurt me" or "They will kick me out", get a job. Have money coming into your bank account every month and make sure you have a place to stay.

And above all, feel free to express yourself here.

`But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
`Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
`You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
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Reply #21 - September 16, 2014, 02:00 PM

Quote from: south on September 12, 2014, 04:54 PM
Hello

Im in almost the same situation that you are, so I can't really give you any advice. However when I asked this same question, one member gave me some really good advice, which I shall pass on. Don't tell your parents. No good will come of it. Only lead to anger and resentment, especially if they are strong Muslims.

Sorry, im not as eloquent as most of the other people here. Just felt like contributing something.

Don't meant to come across as rude, but this advice is just plain stupid and overly simplistic. Sometimes you are simply left with no other choice but to come out. Why should someone else's religion stop you?

OP, I have been in a very similar position to you before. I came out to my parents after uni finished, it caused a heck of a lot of pain. We tried to make it work, but in the end we had to go our separate ways.

I felt a lot of guilt like yourself before coming out. It was an incredibly emotional time. I'm sorry you have to go through the same. I understand how hard it is. If you want my full story, it's linked in my signature. I hope it helps. I'm here if you want to talk.

~My story~
~Collection of unethical hadiths/surahs~
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Reply #22 - September 16, 2014, 03:37 PM

Quote from: PeruvianSkies on September 16, 2014, 02:00 PM
Don't meant to come across as rude, but this advice is just plain stupid and overly simplistic. Sometimes you are simply left with no other choice but to come out. Why should someone else's religion stop you?

OP, I have been in a very similar position to you before. I came out to my parents after uni finished, it caused a heck of a lot of pain. We tried to make it work, but in the end we had to go our separate ways.

I felt a lot of guilt like yourself before coming out. It was an incredibly emotional time. I'm sorry you have to go through the same. I understand how hard it is. If you want my full story, it's linked in my signature. I hope it helps. I'm here if you want to talk.

I agree with this ^^^!

also

OMG PeruvianSkies! How are youuuu? Long time no see!
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Reply #23 - September 16, 2014, 06:13 PM

I'm good Lilyesque, thanks for asking Don't really have much to contribute any more here, so I just lurk these days when I have time.

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Reply #24 - September 16, 2014, 07:11 PM

Hehe, fair enough!
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Reply #25 - September 16, 2014, 07:48 PM

Hey, welcome.

I know how difficult it can be to digest an overwhelming amount of (often conflicting) advice at once. So, I thought I'd add mine to confuse you further:

I like the what Quod, and particularly NotoPrejudice have said to you. Focus for now on saying no to marriage, and gaining greater independence (a career can be good for both of these). There's no need to fight the other battles regarding coming out as a bisexual or as an apostate just yet. You have enough on your hands for now, and should you feel as strongly about living a lie in a few years, you can move on to being more truthful with your parents.

Anyways, take care for now, I'll see you around.

Hi
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Reply #26 - September 17, 2014, 07:00 PM

Definitely got alot more to think about then I at first though. I think I'll have to wait to finish my degree and get a job before I can really tell everyone. I brought up apostacy and it was heart breaking lol without a doubt my parents would not support or understand me leaving Islam, so I guess its goodbye to the family. Their reaction to bisexuality may even be worse lol. Thank you everyone for the kindness!
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Reply #27 - September 17, 2014, 07:11 PM

Your family aren't the "honour" killing kind I hope?

`But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
`Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
`You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
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Reply #28 - September 20, 2014, 11:06 PM

Lol naaa they're nice people just totally indoctrinated with bullshit
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Reply #29 - September 21, 2014, 01:48 AM

Welcome to the forum confusedcritic

My mind runs, I can never catch it even if I get a head start.
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