-September 10, 2014
Thank you omena, lua, Jedi, and everyone who responded to me with words of support. Yesterday I was finally able to address this subject with my husband. I don't know if I did the best job communicating where I stand, but I feel reassured for now...
I told him that I feel like I haven't been the best wife to him lately (there are a couple of other life issues that we have been dealing with), and I am scared of pushing him to his breaking point. I said that I haven't been very religious in a while, and I can see that he is getting closer to his "deen" while I continue to travel farther from it. I asked him if he could still see a future with me if I continued to move away from "the light." At this point I'm crying like a baby and it's a huge mess. I say that I love him and want to have a family with him one day, but I feel like I've deceived him because I am not the religious girl he married anymore, and I fear that he would not want his children raised with a mother who is not a strong female Muslim role model.
I wish I could have kept a lid on the waterworks, but typing this up even now is getting me going again. While comforting me, he told me of course he sees a future with me and that he married me for reasons beyond my religiousness. He told me to "do my thing." He also basically implied that life is a journey, and this is just part of its ebb and flow, which reading between the lines I took to mean that there's no telling if I'll come back to Islam again.
So that is where I am right now. I didn't renounce the existence of a God to him or anything, because I myself have not even come to terms with where my beliefs lie. I know that this conversation could have been more precise, but I didn't want to open grounds for a religious debate, and besides we have always kept our individual beliefs pretty personal from the beginning... I realize that I may need to address the issue again in the future and completely close the "Islam" door so he doesn't think it's just a phase... Did I mess up?
several years later amidst the spam on shoutbox:
-February 15, 2020
I think my marriage is ending.
too bad but life carries on - if amibiguity hasn't worked out then a clean cut might be unavoidable.
Topic: First comes love, then comes marriage...