One last word.
Dear Anass,
One day, about a year ago, i met you, a beautiful person with a beautiful heart. You made me feel special. You were full of care, loyalty, honesty and love.
In start we didnt discuss much the fact that you were a Muslim boy, and that i was a girl without religion. But our love grew, and so grew your fear. The fear that, one day in Paradise, we would not been able to be together.
You said we were soulmates and that true love excisted. But you spoke out your fear in all honesty and started to tell me about the beauty in Islam. About following the right path, and the benefits that it would give me. Me, raised without any religion what so ever, had never took much interest in god. It was just never a part of my life.
But i was willing to listen to your stories and i opened myself for it. We were convinced we could work it out, if we realy wanted.
I listened, i read, i watched videos of people who were converted. And you wanted so much that i saw the beauty in it. You sended me articles, links from websites. You did everything to get me on the right path.
But i had my questions. So much questions. Why can you, as a man, marry four women, while i can just marry one man? Why should a men ever want to have four women in the first place? Why is it so important for you that i cover my hair, while im still the same person, covered or un-covered. Why should i care that other men will look at me, while i only wanna look at you? Why is there a hoor for men in Paradise and is only mentioned that for women there's a equivalent delight? Why Allah gives only a hint? Why can't he mention clearly what there is for us women? He's All-Known! Why he gives men so much priviliges and leaves us women guessing?
Why am i impure when i have my menstruation? I didn't ask for this monthly discomfort! And if it's so impure than why Allah didn't think about that before he created us women? Why could Prophet Mohammed have more than 4 wives? Why is the opinion of two women equal to that of one man? So much simple question
but never strict answers.
I made you feel akward with all my questions cause for you it was all so simple. Its the word of god, and we can't doubt his words. We must accept that its the truth.
you couldnt accept my western way of thinking. For you the western culture was one of bad influences, were i must be saved from. Cause that was what you have been told since childhood. I will never blame you for your ideas and thoughts. When your raised up with those ideas, it's hard to break them down. Cause it's the truth for you. And to deny it, is denying God and all were you stand for and believe in. But it's Islam i blame, for holding a grip on you and keeping your real being locked up.
Anass, i was raised in a warm, nice family. And although without religion, my family taught me the valuable lessons of live. And they allowed me to step into that big world on my own and to apply those lessons. They allowed me to grow up as a valuable human being. They gave me the opportunity to step into the world. That means no more than that they trusted me enough to let me experience things on my own, to let me spread my wings. And that made me into the person i am today. The person you fell in love with in the first place.
You told me i had a soft heart. You were the one who said i was filled with kindness. Than am i not the living proof that you don't need god and religion to become such a person?
And why, tell me why should a God punish such a person? Only because i don't believe? So Sadam Hussein or Khomeini, with all there cruelties, deserve a place in heaven just because they worshipped Allah? While a nice, loyal Dutch girl will end up in Hell, with all her loyalty and kindness? With her soft heart and her care? That doesnt make sence Anass. I realy can't accept that a God had this in mind for his creations.
But your mind is so filled with ayats and hadiths, and all your thoughts are based on that. I can't break through it, i can't reach you.
You told me many times i was your reason to live and that you would die if i would leave you. I saw so many emotions on your face. Anger, sadness and happiness when i made you laugh. You could have such sudden anger, out of nowhere, without a reason.
And now, since we are seperated, i have the abilty to look back and think things over. And i realy believe there's something running in your brain which you can't express, there's a struggle in your heart, which you try to push away. All because of fear. Cause i showed you that it's not about what you believe that makes a person, it's who you are. And im quite sure you feel that, deep down inside.
You told me once maybe Allah sended you to tell me about Islam. But has it ever crossed your mind Anass, that it could have been the other way around ?That i crossed your path for a reason. To open your mind a little and to let the world come in?
I love you forever because of the person you are. But i can never accept a religion which is filled with hate and violence Anass .Cause that's what i see when i read Koran. For me it's impossible to believe this words comes from a God. These words come from a tiran who lived 1400 years ago and his only goal was to overrule the people in his time and let them follow him. He made rules, let come down revelations, all according to his own needs. And see were that leaded till today. He still holds people in his grip.
Anass, I realy tried but i can't find the peace in it. It controles every aspect of your life. It tells you what to do, from the moment you stand up, till the time that you lay down and go to sleep. Day after day.
And i realy can't accept with my heart that someone like you, with such nice character and such care, can embrace the violence and cruelties written in Koran. It stands so far from how i see and feel you.
I wanna live Anass. I wanna dance, i wanna sing. I wanna listen to my favorite music. I wanna work and earn my own money. I wanna be free Anass, free in talking, free in walking on the street on my own and enjoy the sun and the flowers. I wanna feel the wind in my hair. And in the meantime i wanna stay the nice person i am.
I wish i could let you feel how much you miss in life. Even your creative skiĺls you must push away. Your so talented in drawing . Even an innocent thing like a tatoo you can't have, while you like them so much.
Remember the times you told me that your family goes from wedding to wedding, to find you a nice, pious, free muslim girl. Remember how often you told me you hated that. Remember it all Anass.
I hope one day you will be able to spread your wings and fly . And when that day will come I hope you will fly towards me. I will be there to catch you. And than we take my bycycle, and we cycle to the nearest tatoo shop in town.
Anass i hope you will read this letter and feel the love and the care in it. But also my worries. And promise me when you answer my letter, to answer it from your heart and not from an ayat or hadith. Will you please promise me that Anass?
I love you forever and blame you for nothing. You will always be my Anass, the one who made me special.
Love, Shirly
A few days ago i decided to mail him my letter. And today i got answer. It's a part of it.
"Where did you go so astray Shirly? I Iearned you so much about our task here on earth. We are here to be servants and to submit ourselves fully to our God.
There must be someone new in your life who tries to mislead you. That's Satan Shirly. And he already got you. You say my Prophet is a cruel man. That comes from Satan Shirly, please try to see it. Our Prophet is soft hearted and never hurted an ant.
I shouldnt have left you alone in learning the religion. You went on but in the wrong way. Your like a boy who left school and tries to graduate at home. You also tried to study it according to your own wish without any system in it. When a person leaves first class and tries to understand 12th class, he wont be able cause he's missing some steps. You do the same love. Please try to see it.
Now Satan made everything lawfull for you. You abuse my religion and my Prophet, you say he wrote Koran himself. You say my religion is fake. You went so astray.
Who decides whats good and bad, whats lawfull and not lawfull. That comes from god. Who els must decide whats lawfull or not. Where does it end when everyone makes his own rules.
You must have been reading on Anti-Islamic sites. I told you not to do that. That's Satan filling your brain. Can't you see many people convert to Islam ".
Nothing about the possibility that i can have a mind of my own. That i can use my own common sense to think things over. It's Satan or someone else in my life who fills my brain.
Yes many people may convert but what about those who leave it?
i give up. Im fed up with this brain- washing religion. I kept my Koran out of respect. But im gonna burn it till theres noting left of it. And this week i drive to that nearest tatoo shop and take a tatoo for myself with the words: FREEDOM.
Topic: hello from Holland!