So this is how I got here....
OP - August 20, 2013, 02:52 PM
Well I guess I’ve lurked around here long enough to write my own post about why I joined and then left Islam. So here it goes…
I wasn’t brought up in a particularly religious family, or at least it didn’t feel like it. Being Irish Catholic, my parents sent me to Catholic schools, but again it didn’t feel very religious. Apart from Mass at school every Friday, there was no particular religious doctrine forced upon us. It just felt like a school where everyone else was Catholic too – blasphemy and religious scorn were pretty much the norm.
My parents never took me to Mass on Sundays, except when they had to demonstrate their faith to get me into these schools. They were hypocrites and very open about it – needs must and all that.
So with little in the way of strict religion around me, I often wonder how I ended up becoming a Muslim. The only explanation I can think of is that it came along when I was vulnerable.
In the mid-90’s I had a divorce. It wasn’t particularly acrimonious, but it definitely left a mark on my personality. Around the same time as this there was a young lady who was there when I needed her, and she was a Muslim.
At first our relationship was completely platonic. She would listen whilst I had a great woman to let out all my woes unto. I know you’re probably expecting me to mention that she brought religion into the relationship, but strangely enough it was me who did this.
At the time I was reading a book called Dungeon, Fire and Sword: The Knights Templar in the Crusades by John J. Robinson. I love history and found the book interesting, especially where it touched on Islam and I was very surprised to discover how similar it was to Christianity i.e. same god, Jesus was there, yadda-yadda-yadda. So armed with these questions I spoke with my lady-friend who gave me answers. This of course led to more questions which ultimately led to me obtaining a copy of the Qur’an in English.
Now here’s the weirdest thing: When I read the Qur’an in this state of mind; seeking answers and primed for ‘the Truth’ - it all made sense. I wondered how I’d not known about this stuff before and then I wondered how I can become a Muslim. This is weird to me today because when I read the Qur’an now I wonder how I could ever have given it credibility at all.
When I spoke with my lady-friend about converting she was overjoyed. What I have left out up to now is that we had already begun a sexual relationship a few months before. She always thought it could go nowhere, even when I spoke of converting, due to me being white and she Indian. But still, this didn’t stop her from being very happy about my impending conversion.
When I did convert I have to admit to it feeling like a magical experience. I just walked into a local mosque and told someone I wanted to convert. The fuss that was made over me after that! I said shahada and that was that. I’m telling you, I thought I could hear the angels in the trees and the birds singing their praise for Allah. Writing this I am shaking my head with embarrassment.
Now I was a Muslim, my relationship with my lady-friend developed further, despite the sex before marriage thing being haram. Eventually we thought it would be best to just come out with the fact that we wanted to get married and face the battle of Indian ire when her parents learned of the prospect of a Gora (I hate that word!) coming into the family.
Funny enough this wasn’t as hard as we thought it would be when we were upfront about it. They knew I was a Muslim and were happy with that. The rest took care of itself and we finally got married.
I really tried to indulge in Islam for a good few years. I really believed in all the stuff I was doing and that I was building a nice little garden for myself in paradise. One kid came along, then a second and then a third. We were happy, perfect and contented and it was all down to Allah.
I can’t put my finger on what changed except that it was possibly when we started sending the kids to madrasah. I balked at the nonsense being taught to them. I heard the shit coming out of my mouth and hated I was brainwashing my kids with it. So I took another tact. I asked my children to question what they had learned and what they thought about it.
My wife took a dim view of this, especially when it was obvious that the examination of doctrine exposed the real truth – that Islam is a made up sham and belief in it is idiocy. However, being brought up in a religious household she was taught never to question her faith. She will not see the light even if it’s shining in her face.
So how are things today, 8 years later since first having doubts? Well I am a complete atheist even though my wife won’t hear of it – yes we are still married even though according to Islam our Nikkah is void. I am successfully ‘corrupting’ the kids, but it is hard us all acting one way in front of my wife and another behind her back. It doesn’t feel like a good example to set. My wife still asks if I’ve gone to Jumma even though she knows just mentioning it will drive me mad and if I tell her I haven’t it causes tensions for days.
The result of all this is that I am not living a truthful life. I am lying all the time. I lie to say I went to Jumma. I lie when the Jammat come to my door to avoid embarrassing my wife. I can’t eat and drink what I want in my own home. I feel the intensity in the air as soon as I begin to play my guitar.
What I want is to say to all the Muslims around me that I am no longer a Muslim so please stop talking to me like I am one. Please stop assuming I am like you just because of an assumed shared faith. Please stop giving me salaam because I don’t want to fucking say it back! I just want to say hello!!!
I am two-steps away from this, but I think it will be the end of my marriage and that’s what stops me from going forward. So I continue to live a semi-lie and bring my kids up in the hope that they will get out of this mad cult as soon as they are able. I’m almost there.
Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends.
Topic: So this is how I got here....